Echoes Of Darkness
by Wild Hope
Summary: Hermione is captured and tortured by Death Eaters. When she's taken back to Hogwarts to recover she realizes that she will never be the same. The only person who can help her is the one that didn't save her soon enough... Severus Snape.
1. Torture

She bit her lip until it bled, the metallic, coppery taste filling her mouth. They threw her down on the cold, rough stone floor, scraping her bare skin raw in places. She wouldn't allow herself to cry out. She couldn't give them the satisfaction. Mentally, she told herself not to show any fear. If she showed her fear then she wouldn't have a chance. She had to be strong. She had to be brave. She hadn't said a word since they'd taken her from King's Crossing, hours (days?) ago. She had tried to keep her fear at bay when they had captured her and blindfolded her. She'd tried to fight and they'd knocked her out with a spell. She'd woken up here, in the dark chamber, the only light a few flickering torches set at intervals around the walls and a group of masked Death Eaters surrounding her. She'd stood up proudly even though they had taken her clothes and she was nude. It had taken all of her courage not to collapse in tears of embarrassment at the cat calls and the whistles. Then she had turned to face the Dark Lord, Voldemort. He was heavily cloaked and she couldn't see his face, but she could feel his eyes on her and she was scared, so scared. Lucius Malfoy, one of the few Death Eaters not wearing a mask, had knocked her to the ground with a spell. There she was, trying to be brave in the midst of her worst fears coming true.

Hermione Granger took a deep, calming breath and stood up, she wasn't going to cower on the floor like some whipped dog. Fear rolled around in her stomach and she wanted to vomit but she didn't. Lucius stepped forward, his face twisted in a malicious smirk so much like the one his son Draco had worn for their seven years together at Hogwarts.

"Well, well , well, I would like to introduce you all to our... guest," he said addressing the conclave of Death Eaters.

"Miss Hermione Granger, best friend to Harry Potter and smartest witch to graduate from Hogwarts in over a century. Hmm ... quite a catch. Now, I'm sure Miss Granger here would like to make this as easy as possible for herself. So, when I ask her a question she will answer." He turned to her, his pale, cold eyes challenging her and she refused to give in and look away.

"Now Miss Granger, I'm sure you want this over with as soon as possible so we'll skip the niceties. Where are the Head Quarters to the Order of the Phoenix located?" his voice was soft, silky, deadly.

"What is the Order of the Phoenix?" she asked proud of the fact that her voice wasn't trembling.

"Don't play dumb with me, girl," he growled, a dangerous glimmer in his eyes.

"As you said, I am the smartest student to graduate from Hogwarts in over a century, I don't play dumb," she said lightly.

He laughed and she had to stop herself from visibly cringing.

"You are a smart girl," he conceded, "so smart in fact that I think you'll know which one of these options would be in your best interest. Number one," he held up a finger, "you tell us everything you know about the Order and we let you go. Number two, you don't tell us and we torture you until you talk and if we're feeling generous we'll let you go," this got a hearty laugh from the other Death Eaters. "Option number three tell us what we want to know and we might let you join us."

Hermione bitterly smiled, "As I understand it I have two options, I talk and you kill me, or I don't talk and you kill me, I think I'll choose the latter." Her hands were shaking, her whole body was shaking. She hoped that they couldn't see her fear.

A coldness enveloped her as she spoke the words and the reality of everything hit her full force, she wasn't leaving this chamber alive. There was no Ron, no Harry, no Dumbledore who would swoop down and save her. She was by herself and she was going to die. She wanted to accept it, to make peace with the fact that she was eighteen and she was going to die a very painful death but it was beyond her to comprehend. This couldn't be the end, it just couldn't.

"Foolish girl," Lucius said without emotion. He turned to Voldemort and Hermione watched as the dark lord lifted a scaly hand as if to tell Malfoy to begin. Lucius smiled cruelly and then pointed a wand... her wand... straight at her.

"Crucio," he muttered.

All of a sudden it felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Seconds later it felt like her body was being burned alive. She couldn't move. It hurt. It hurt. It HURT! She didn't feel the jarring impact of her knees hitting the stone floor or her nails breaking and tearing as she clawed at the stone in agony. It felt like her mind was trying to rip away from her body and escape its prison of anguish. She thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest and just when she thought that the pain would kill her it suddenly stopped. She gasped, taking in great lung fulls of air. She swallowed a mouthful of blood from where she'd bit her lip, but she hadn't uttered a word the whole time.

'I'm a Gryffindor,' she repeated to herself over and over again like a soothing chant.

She stumbled to her feet, now clearly feeling the pain of her hands and knees. She knew that it was insignificant compared to what lay ahead.

"I ask you again, Mudblood, where is the Order located?"

"All right, I'll tell you," she said quietly.

"Yes?" he asked impatiently, excitement shining in his eyes.

"A big mansion," she stopped, hesitating, baiting him.

"Yes, yes, go on," he said his eyes greedily waiting for her information.

"It's very beautiful, it's called..."

"What is it called?" he asked sharply.

She looked up at him, "Malfoy Manner," she said wearily.

The pain hit her again and she dropped to her knees and it was impossible to keep a moan from escaping and tears from falling down her cheeks. She put her fist in her mouth, biting down hard, trying to form a coherent thought. It went on and on. The questioning, the false answers, and then the crucio over and over and over again until her screams filled the chamber and her throat was raw and she lay curled on the floor sobbing.

Lucius threw the wand down on the floor and she looked at it, knowing that even if she could make herself crawl to it she would never get to it before he saw her. She hurt so much now, it was hard to differentiate between when the crucio was being cast and when it wasn't. She watched Malfoy converse with Voldemort in low tones but she was too far away to hear what they were saying. She wondered if they would finally kill her. She couldn't take much more. She didn't want to go mad like Neville's parents, to be put into St. Mungos and not even know who she was.

Rough hands grabbed her arms and lifted her up and she cried out, her flesh was tender and she wanted to scream a new at the pain. It felt like her skin was being torn off. She was dragged forward and she wished that she would just pass out but she didn't.

"Take her to one of the cells," Lucius said waving a hand in the opposite direction.

As she was lead through the crowd of Death Eaters they pinched her and hit her and laughed at her. She wanted to scream and kick and curse them but she didn't have the strength. She was thrown into a small cell and as she hit the floor everything finally went blissfully black.

She woke up, aching for something to drink, to soothe her burning, swollen, throat. It was dark and cold and it smelled like mildew. She couldn't see or hear anything. She knew she wasn't dead. She hurt too much to be dead. She didn't know how long she sat there, shivering, crying. After awhile she began reciting the properties for certain plants she had learned in Herbology. When she couldn't think of anything else she started reciting potions recipes, starting with the ones she had learned in her first year. She had gotten all of the way to her fourth year and was reciting the procedure to the draught of the living dead when she heard footsteps. A rectangle of light filled the room and she blinked, trying to let her eyes adjust. She heard the barred door swing open and she was taken back into the circular chamber.

At the thought of what she was going to have to endure she broke out in sobs. She couldn't do this. She just wanted this nightmare to end. She was dropped unceremoniously at the center of the room and once again Lucius was holding her wand and standing next to Voldemort but they were the only ones in the room this time.

"Tell me what I want to know and I'll make your death quick and painless."

Hermione squeezed her eyes shut and her tears fell as she thought about Harry and Ron, Ginny and the rest of the Weasleys who were like her family. About Lupin, Tonks, McGonagall, and all of the others. She would never tell. Could never tell, not when the lives of the people she loved, who cared about her, were at stake. If she told them and they let her live, there was no life for her without all of those people. If they killed her and her friends lived... then all of the pain she was feeling wasn't in vain.

"No," it took all of her strength to utter that one word and she felt the pain tear through her body and it was so much worse than what she had felt before. She thrashed on the ground, her mouth open in a silent scream. It felt like the pain was destroying her body and ripping her mind to shreds. She couldn't breath and her hands clawed at her throat and she felt something around her neck. When the pain stopped she looked down and saw a small pendant hanging from a golden chain. Mr and Mrs Weasley had given it to her as a graduation gif. The pendant was a small replica of the Gryffindor Crest and she wondered why she hadn't noticed it sooner. She clung to it as Lucius cast the crucio again and the pain tore into her body time after time.

She wanted to scream the location until the pain stopped but she held on and the pain stopped and then started again. She didn't have the strength to do anything but lay there, still and silent, while she wondered if it would ever end, if she could ever have peace.

"Where is it?" Lucius was very close and she could feel his breath on her check. She didn't say anything and she gasped as he kicked her in the stomach. The pain was nothing compared to the crucio. He pulled her hair and slapped her, trying to get her to talk but she ignored him. She just wanted to go to sleep, to wake up in a place where it didn't hurt all over. Where she wasn't in agony. Suddenly, she felt him on top of her and she opened her eyes in time to see him pull up his robe. It took a moment for the coherent part of her mind to register that he was going to rape her.

She tried to move, to kick, to bite, to hit him, anything to make him stop. Her body felt made out of lead and there was laughter. Not Lucius but Voldemort, it was a high, shrill sound and it seemed to freeze her insides.

"Stop, no, stop!" She tired to struggle but he didn't stop, she was too weak to fight anymore. She let her mind drift away from what was happening, she wasn't Hermione anymore. She was empty and nothing mattered, she'd been laying there forever, decades, centuries, time didn't matter, there was nothing left.

"We've broken her mind, her body, and her spirit, it should be easy to find out what we want to know from her now, bring her here," came a voice from the darkness.

She was pulled up and dragged toward the voice. Her mind was broken? ... no she had to think, something wasn't right. From the part of her mind that was still sane there was a far off memory that came back to her. In a moment of clarity she knew what was going to happen. Voldemort was going to use legilimancy against her. He was going to sort through her memories until he found out exactly what he wanted to know. All of it had been for nothing. All of the pain she had endured, the torture... all for nothing because he was going to find out everything anyway and there was nothing she could do about it.

They had all been taught a little occulmancy last year but she was too weak to stop him, it didn't matter. Thoughts of Harry and Ron flooded through her, her best friends, the two people that she loved and trusted more than anyone. Voldemort would find out everything about them from her memories. He would know where the Order's Headquarters were and who was in the Order. She wouldn't let him take her memories. She was in front of Voldemort now, she could smell him. He smelled like death. She felt his eyes boring into her. She couldn't look him in the eyes or he would use legilimancy. She felt her eyes being drawn to his...

'No!' she mentally screamed. She dug into her memories frantically trying to hide them, to forget, to keep him from them. 'No, no, no, no, no!'

Suddenly a silver light filled the room and she heard him scream, and she smiled. He hadn't gotten the memories. She could sleep now. She was floating and her last coherent thought was that she must be dead.


	2. Night

Voices, so many voices, she wanted them to stop, it was hurting her ears, interrupting her sleep. She tried to float away again but she couldn't so she made herself concentrate on the words, on the voices.

"I'm sorry Albus, there is still no change in her condition, the poor little lamb. I don't know how she survived two days. I can mend her body but I fear her mind will not recover from the torture." There was an uncomfortable pause. "Have you called St. Mungos and arranged for her to be transferred?" Hermione knew that voice, that brisk but kind tone, Madam Pomfrey, the mediwitch at Hogwarts. While part of her wondered why she was hearing her the other part didn't care. It just wanted to go back to sleep. It wanted silence.

"I pray it doesn't come to that, Poppy. I can never forgive myself for allowing this to happen, I should have had her guarded," she heard frustration in the next voice.

"It's not your fault. In a few days she was going to go stay with the Weasley's like you had arranged. You couldn't have known that she'd be attacked, and right outside King's Crossing of all places. I think it is best that we take her to St. Mungos as soon as possible, they are more equipped to deal with her. Much more so than I am."

Where they talking about her? St. Mungos? Why? She wanted to speak, to tell them that she didn't want to go anywhere, that she just wanted to sleep but she was too tired to speak, too tired to think. Darkness began to descend all around her and she fell back into the sweet oblivion where nothing hurt and everything was quiet.

It was dark as Hermione opened her eyes, the only light coming from the open window that gave her a full view of the night sky and the large silver moon. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to everything. She laid there for a few moments in confusion, in fear. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears she feared the whole world could hear it. She was in a soft bed, with warm, soft, blankets and the air smelled sweet, like early summer flowers. She closed her eyes in contentment listening to the sound of crickets and the far off hoot of an owl. She was safe, it was just a dream, just a nightmare. It was gone and she could forget that she'd ever thought up such nonsense. She sat up and yawned intending to go down stairs and get a snack. She was starving. She rubbed sleep from her eyes and looked down.

Her hands was bandaged.

Her heart started beating furiously in her chest, she could hear it and with each moment it got louder and louder. Threatening to burst through her chest. She looked around in confusion. She wasn't at her parents house. It was her room at Hogwarts, but the school year was over, she was supposed to be home. She looked at her bandaged hands. Comprehension refusing to come. Something sounded from the back of her mind but she pushed the voice away. Her voice. Slowly she unwrapped her hands and looked down. She looked at her hands, her once beautiful hands. There were bite marks on them, as if she had bit herself to stop herself from screaming. Her nails were broken, some of the nails were nearly gone exposing red flesh, as if she had been clawing at the ground. It was hard to breathe now, it had been a dream! It wasn't real, it couldn't have been real! No. No. No.

She needed the fresh air, suddenly it felt too stuffy. She couldn't breathe. She just had to get to the window. Hermione climbed out of bed and all of a sudden her knees buckled and she fell to the carpeted floor. In her mind her knees hit stone and she was back in that horrible chamber with Lucius standing over her. She cried out in pain. She needed to get to the window, she needed to be free. Arms grabbed her and she struggled, tried to get away. She didn't want to go back to the cell. She didn't want the pain to come back.

Hermione was hysterical now. She was sobbing and kicking and hitting. She just wanted to get away from him and to the window. That window, the sight of the moon and the stars, it held everything that she wanted, that she needed. She was so close. She could get away. She just had to get to the window. It was so hard to breathe... the... window... Suddenly she collapsed, unconscious and the darkness surrounded her once again.

* * *

Severus Snape lifted her in his arms and gently laid her unconscious form back on the bed. He pulled the blankets over her and took a few moments to monitor her vitals. Her pulse was dangerously fast at first but it slowed as her breathing evened out. Satisfied that she was all right, as all right as one could be after such an ordeal, he took up his vigil from the chair by the fireplace. He watched her sleep and he felt something he rarely allowed himself to feel. Compassion. He ran his fingers through his long black hair. After all she had endured he couldn't believe that she had actually survived. He'd never believed in miracles but this was the closest thing to one that he'd ever seen. The Dark Lord had her within his grasp and he hadn't killed her. He rested his chin on his hands. That wasn't entirely true. For all he knew he'd killed whatever was left inside the young woman.

If Snape would have gotten there a moment later he didn't know what would have happened. He thought back to four days ago when the dark mark on his arm had began to burn, summoning him to a meeting. He had thought nothing of it, the meetings were never at regular intervals, simply whenever the Dark Lord wished. He had taken a few moments to inform Dumbledore and then he had changed into his Death Eater garb, not very different from the robes he usually wore. He had made his way to the front gate and as soon as he was off of school grounds he had apparated, following the call of the dark mark. Once there he had waited, dreading whatever was going to happen, if this might be the day he never returned. When the room had been nearly filled the great doors on the other side of the room had been opened and hauled between two Death Eaters had been a nude, unconscious, Hermione Granger. He had felt horror in his stomach as he recognized her, as he stood there helpless to do anything but watch as she gradually roused and realized where she was, the initial horror on her face...

He by no stretch of the imagination liked her, but he had always held a kind of grudging respect for her intelligence, she had been one of, if not the best, student he had ever had and there she was bravely facing her death. He had watched as Lucius crucio'd her over and over again while furiously trying to figure out someway to help but there had been nothing he was able to do. His palm bore nail marks from the frustration he had felt. The utter helplessness. Even now he could hear her screams in his head, out of all of the tortures he had witnessed through his years of being a Death Eater hers had been the worse. A lesser person would have broken from the pain but she'd never given up her secret. After an hour he had been sure that Lucius was going to kill her in his rage. The entire time Snape had battled with his conscious.

Save her and condemn himself?

He'd wanted to spare her the agony that was being dealt to her. Grab her and apparate somewhere safe. But in doing that, if indeed he could even manage to get to her, would have been a death sentence for him. Voldemort wouldn't have stopped until he was dead. The Order would be without their spy. He would have had to risk too much so instead he had watched her being tortured, all the while trying to push away the urge to vomit. He had almost passed out in relief and hopelessness when Lucius had ordered her to be taken to one of the holding cells. The cells were so heavily guarded that he knew there would have been no way to release her from them but at the same time it bought them a little bit of time. Once the Death Eater meeting was over he had gone back to Grimwauld Place and told the more senior members that she had been taken. Next to getting her back their second priority had been keeping the news from Potter and Weasley. They had succeeded in that aspect. He and Dumbledore had stayed up late into the night devising a plan and it was agreed upon that if she was still alive the next time he was summoned then he would do everything in his power to save her, even if it meant revealing himself to Voldemort as a traitor. Even if it meant risking his death.

He had known that she would be safe until nightfall because all Death Eater meetings took place after darkness fell. He didn't know if this time they would all be summoned to watch her torture and possibly, if he couldn't do anything, the end of her life. The Order had an unregistered animagus watching Malfoy Manner and that night when Lucius apparated they all knew where he had gone. Severus had waited for a summons, knowing that if he got there too soon Voldemort would know something was wrong. After a half an hour he knew that it was now or never. Wearing an invisibility cloak he apparated to the secret chamber, hoping she hadn't been moved or she wasn't still in the cell.

He had gotten there just a silver light filled the room and for a moment he had been blinded by it. He heard Voldemort scream and when he had been able to see again Voldemort was thrashing on the ground in pain and Lucius was knelt over him trying to help. He took the advantage and he scooped up the limp, unconscious Gryffindor and apparated to the Shrieking Shack as quickly as possible. Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey had been waiting and they'd transported her to Hogwarts and then she'd been taken to the infirmary where she had been in an almost coma-like state for two days, until a moment ago. Madame Pomfrey had been called away to St. Mungo's a few days ago so here he was watching over her, wondering if he had been too late, if her mind was too far gone. It was simply another regret on a long list of regrets. He sat there dozing, but never quiet asleep in case she should wake.

Severus was startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up, early morning sunlight flooding the room, and saw the Headmaster standing next to him. His eyes traveled to the bed just to make sure that she was still there, still safe.

"Has there been any change?" Dumbledore asked heavily, looking every one of his years.

Severus nodded and gratefully accepted the cup of coffee Dumbledore handed him. "She woke up during the night while I was sleeping. She was barely coherent. She had a panic attack and she passed out, she's been sound asleep since then."

"I am worried for her well being, Severus. Maybe Poppy was right, she should be at St. Mungo's where she could get the proper care," he said as he sat in the chair opposite Severus'.

"Voldemort or Lucius may decide to finish what they started. She's safe here, besides, I'm sure she feels a certain amount of safety here, this was her home, after all, until a week ago when she graduated." In truth he felt as if he was to blame for this. He wouldn't go so far as to say that he felt like it was his duty to watch over her but there was something telling him that he needed to. He had watched her in that chamber, writhing on the floor in pain, sharing every long second of it with her in his mind.

Snape heard a sound come from her bed and both he and the Headmaster turned to see her looking straight at them.


	3. Questions

Hermione stared around in confusion. The bright morning sun filled the room with a warm light and for some reason it comforted her. Being in her bed, in her room, gave her a kind of peace that she hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. She turned, hearing voices, and saw the Headmaster and her potions Professor sitting in the chairs in front of her fireplace. It took a moment for the confusion to clear and things started to come back to her in bits in pieces. Voldemort's high, cold laugh. Lucius Malfoy as he turned her own wand on her and cast the cruicatus on her. Him climbing on top of her... She closed her eyes and tried to block out the memories. How did one run from something permanently branded into your brain? She took a deep breath, calming herself and then returned her attention to Dumbledore and Snape.

Analytically she began to assess her situation. She was at Hogwarts, in her Head Girl's room. Physically she seemed to be fine. There was no pain, nothing more than a dull ache here or there. She was in one piece.

She felt like she was in many pieces.

Hermione studied the two men who hadn't noticed that she was awake yet. She wasn't paying attention to what they were talking about. She couldn't say that she really cared. Dumbledore looked old. He'd always looked old but now he was bordering on ancient. There were deep wrinkles in his face and as he talked he looked unhappy. It was strange but she yearned for that mischievous glint in his eye as he looked Snape over half-moon spectacles. His smile that seemed to hold a level of amusement that she never seemed to understand. That was the Dumbledore that she wanted. Not this grim faced, serious, ancient, man.

Hermione turned her attention to Snape. He didn't look well. He looked as if it had been a long time since he'd slept. His hair was in greasy tangles around his face and, if possible, his face was even more grim than the Headmaster's. He looked so weary. It was rare that she saw anything but intimidating strength from him. It was strange to see him in, what felt like, a moment of weakness. There was emotion it seemed. Real emotion. Sadness almost. She shifted in her bed and it was at that moment that they turned to look at her.

She felt strangely self conscious.

There was nothing to hid behind. She wasn't sure in what sense she wanted to hide. Here she was in bed clothes, sitting in bed while two of her teachers studied her. There were no books or assignments. No distractions. It was just them and her and she dreaded what they would ask.

She dreaded what they knew.

"Miss Granger?" Hermione hadn't realized that she'd closed her eyes until she heard her name and realized that the only thing she could see was the darkness of the back of her eyelids. She wanted to pretend that she was sleeping. She didn't want to face this. Not yet. She had a feeling that there were going to be questions that she didn't want to answer. Ones that she wasn't sure that she _could_ answer. At least not now. Maybe not ever. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Focusing her attention on the Headmaster.

"You are at Hogwarts and you are safe. Do you understand?" he asked. She didn't like the way that he was speaking. Softly, deliberately, seriously. She wished that he would pretend that nothing had happened. That he would treat her and talk to her like he always had. She didn't want him to know how broken she felt. She didn't want anyone to know. Could they see it when they looked at her? Did they know?

"Yes," she said, confused by the sound of her own voice. It sounded strange to her. Hoarse and deep. She cleared her throat and looked at her hands. She vaguely recalled bandages but they were gone. Her hands looked like they always had. The skin was a bit pink around the tips and her finger nails were short but they looked normal. Had she imagined the torn and broken nails? The raw skin? She didn't know and she refused to let her brain dwell on it long enough to come up with a satisfactory answer.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

She was thirsty. She knew that much. She supposed that really she felt fine. At the moment she was feeling deliciously empty. Very empty. She didn't want that feeling to go away. It was better than feeling... other things. She could think this way. She was Hermione.

"Can- can I have something to drink?" Hermione wondered if she was trying to stall. So far the questions hadn't been hard. She hoped that Dumbledore could sense what she was thinking. She didn't even know what she was thinking but she needed him to not push her.

"Of course." From out of nowhere a mug of tea appeared. He handed it to her and Hermione sipped it. She savored the feeling of the warm liquid traveling through her body. The whole time they watched her. Snape not directly but from the corner of his eye while Dumbledore seemed to study her every move. She defiantly looked at the wall straight ahead. She tried to order her thoughts but it seemed that her thoughts were being flighty. So she just stared at the wall and thought nothing. When the mug of tea was half gone she turned her attention to the window.

She had a wonderful view of the grounds. She had always thought that Hogwarts was at it's most beautiful in the summer. A few weeks before the end of the term it blossomed into life. Flowers bloomed and filled the air with a sweet scent and the trees stood proud and tall with their leaves a vibrant green. She lost herself in its beauty, in the sound of birds chirping, the way the sunlight filtered through the trees and made dancing patterns on the ground below. It was so radiant... so peaceful...

"Miss Granger?" she turned at the sound of her name. She had forgotten that she wasn't alone. Hermione mentally sighed. She had hoped that the silence would go on for just a little bit longer. It was nice to get lost in the world outside her window and not be sucked back into a situation that she didn't want to deal with. She looked at Dumbledore. His blue eyes seemed to look into her soul and she looked down at the empty cup of tea to avoid those all-knowing eyes. She absently wondered when she had finished her tea.

"Do you need anything else? Are you in any pain?" she could hear the concern in his voice and for some reason it upset her. She didn't know if it was the fact that he was acknowledging what had happened or just the simple fact that she didn't want to feel like he pitied her. Did she need anything? A good dose of peace and quiet might be nice. Pain? She wasn't sure what pain was anymore. Everything seemed to pale in comparison to the feeling of being crucio'd over and over... She resisted the urge to physically shake her head to banish the memory.

"I'm... fine." Hermione wanted to laugh at herself. She was anything but "fine". She had been brutalized, mind and body. She would never be fine again... ever. She swallowed a lump in her throat. If only she could turn around and look outside and forget the rest of the world existed. Forget, if only for a moment, that she existed.

"I would like to talk about what happened--"

"No."

She had never used that tone of voice with a professor before, let alone the Headmaster. She never wanted to think about what had happened, let alone talk about it. She wasn't going to relive it. The pain... the humiliation... she wasn't going to do it. Not for Dumbledore, not for anyone. It was bad enough that she couldn't control her thoughts. That they wandered in and out. Torturing her. She wasn't going to say it aloud. She wasn't going to make it any more real for her than it already was.

"I'm sorry if I upset you. Of course we don't have to talk about what happened." There were a few moments of silence and then he continued. "Misters Potter and Weasley have been quite worried about you. They send their well wishes and hope to see you soon."

"Harry and Ron? They're all right?" For a moment she felt a surge of panic. She couldn't remember the last time she had thought about them and she felt her stomach clench in a ball of guilt. It had never occurred to her that something might have happened to them. After all, they had taken her. It could have just as easily have been them. Part of her was glad that they hadn't had to endure what she had. The other part was insane with envy and jealousy. Harry and Ron were still Harry and Ron. She didn't know who she was anymore.

"Yes, as is everyone else. They are all safe, thanks to you."

Hermione felt tears spring to her eyes but she held them back. She didn't want to be made out to be some sort of Hero for what she did. When she had been laying on that floor it had been in her mind to just tell them what they wanted to know just so the pain would stop. She hadn't, but that didn't change the fact that deep down inside she felt like a coward.

She was a coward.

Hermione didn't know why this sudden thought occurred to her. She had nothing to be ashamed of. She'd done nothing wrong, but the whispers in her mind didn't believe that. She should have tried harder. Fought harder. She felt the tears again. She couldn't cry because if she cried everything would come back and she wouldn't be able to stop crying. Her friends were all right, but she wasn't and she didn't think she ever would be. She willed the tears away. She just wanted to disappear. She didn't want to deal with everything that had happened. If only it would all go away.

"I think we will let you have some time alone. If you need anything, anything at all, ring for a house elf. I believe Dobby would be happy to help out a friend," he said with a smile. It was the first smile she'd seen from him. She nodded but remained silent as they left the room.

Finally. She was alone.

Alone.

She had to accept what had happened and move on and that was just what she was going to do. Pretend like nothing had happened.

Forget.

Feeling like a bath might do her a little bit of good Hermione climbed out of bed, quite unsteadily at first. She managed to make it to the door on the left side of the room that led to a bathroom. She walked over to the large bathtub and turned on the hot water. She watched as the bathtub filled up and the room was enveloped in a cloud of steam. She got in. She wanted to scream.

The water was hot, and it hurt but she made herself pay it no mind. Physical pain was insignificant to the turmoil inside of her. Forget. Forget. Forget. She grabbed the soap and then lathered a washcloth. She ran it over her body, scrubbing as hard as she could. She needed to wash the taint away. Wash the memories away with the soap and then she could forget. She could almost hear Lucius voice as he had knelt down beside her as he had...

Hermione scrubbed harder. She didn't want to remember, didn't want to relive it. She wanted it to go away, she wanted to turn back time and make it so it had never happened. Forget. Images flashed through her head and she squeezed her eyes shut and put her hands over her ears as the memory of that terrible laugh sounded in her ears. She just wanted to forget and be forgotten.

Forget.

There was a knock at the door and Hermione fell back to reality. Her bath water had turned ice cold and she shivered, wondering how long she had been sitting there... hours? There was another knock at the door and she tried to still her pounding heart. She was okay. Everything was okay.

"Miss Granger are you all right?" she heard Snape's voice through the door.

"I- I'm fine." Fine. Fine. Fine. She was anything but. Hermione got out and wrapped a towel around herself. She dried off and had to keep herself from wincing. Her skin was red and tender from the hot water and the harsh scrubbing. She slipped her nightgown over her head and then opened the door, hoping Snape wouldn't still be there. She wasn't that lucky.

"The Headmaster – good Lord what have you done?"

"Nothing, the water was just a little hot..." she trailed off. How could she explain to her Professor that she felt tainted, unclean...

"A little hot? It looks as if you've nearly burned the skin from your body!"

She looked down at her arm, at the angry red color of her skin. It hurt. Her whole body hurt. Her mind hurt. What did it matter? At least it gave her something else to concentrate on. Something that wasn't in her head. A pain that wasn't remembered but felt. She walked passed him and climbed into bed and pulled the blankets up to her chin. She felt cold, but it was a coldness she didn't think could be cured by blankets or a hot bath.

"Stay right there," he commanded, as if he really thought she was going to get up and go somewhere. She laid in bed staring up at the ceiling wishing that she had her wand. If only so that she could Obliviate herself.


	4. Guilt

Severus Snape strode down to his private laboratory, shaking his head. What was he supposed to do with the girl? Albus had left some hours ago, where he had no idea. He should be here. Granger needed someone she could talk to, someone she could feel comfortable with, someone other than him. Snape shut the door to his laboratory and winced as the sound of it shutting echoed loudly. Minerva was the obvious choice but she was in Australia doing work for the Order and he doubted that she could be contacted. He rubbed his temples trying to concentrate, to think of a female figure that could be of help to her. Molly Weasley, perhaps? He didn't know how close they were but she was her best friends mother... maybe Professor Sprout... Trelawny? Anyone was better than him. After all what was he supposed to do with her? Pat her on the head and tell her that things would turn out for the best? If only it were that easy. 

This was all his fault.

Severus tried not to allow himself to think about the real reason that he was looking after her. If it hadn't been for him then she would've been far less traumatized. He should have saved her sooner. He opened one of his cabinets and pulled out a burn salve. Now the fool child had gone and burned herself. What was he supposed to do? He knew that he should be more understanding but right now he would rather be at Spinner's End, in his private laboratories, working. Instead he was playing nursemaid. 

He deserved it.

With the salve in hand he walked back up the stairs to her room. Knocking on the door and receiving no answer he opened it anyway. She was laying in bed just as he had left her, staring up at the ceiling with a vacant expression. For a moment he wanted to turn around and leave. Caring for people was a talent that he had long ago forgotten. He kept telling himself that all he had to do was make sure that she was fed and did no harm to herself but he wanted to make her better in ways that no potions and salves could fix. He wanted to undo what had been done to her.

"I've got something that will heal your skin." 

No answer. 

She didn't even blink. 

Severus resisted the urge to sigh in frustration and once again wished he were far away. He sat the jar of salve on the table figuring that sooner or later she would use it. He stood there not knowing whether to stay or go. He wasn't entirely sure that if he left she wouldn't do further harm to herself. 

He sat down in one of the chairs figuring that he would simply wait for the Headmaster to get back and then they would discuss who would be better suited to care for her. As responsible as he felt, it wasn't helping either one of them for him to be there. She obviously didn't trust him, didn't like him, or even respect him. There was nothing that he could offer to make her well. He couldn't be a confidant, he couldn't be anything to her. She needed what he couldn't offer and he wasn't going to make things worse by following his misguided sense of duty.

Severus closed his eyes. Sleep had been eluding him these last few weeks and the lack was finally starting to catch up with him. It was strange but during the school year he usually slept well, in a deep, dreamless sleep. It was during the summer when the stress started to get to him. Plans of the Order and of the Dark Lord dancing through his head. Wondering constantly if he was doing the right thing. He never doubted his allegiance to Dumbledore but frequently he wondered if he was going about things the right way. Following Voldemort's orders, doing despicable things in the name of helping the Order sometimes made him want to escape and watch the happenings from the sidelines. He was too involved with both groups to escape now. He smothered a yawn and looked over at Hermione. Her eyes were closed now but whether or not she was sleeping he couldn't tell. Closing his eyes he decided that after a little nap maybe they'd both be in better moods.

Severus woke up a few hours later and a glance towards the window revealed that it was early evening. He looked over towards the bed and Hermione was still asleep. He sat there for a moment enjoying the silent and stillness of the room. He wanted to go down to his chambers and turn in for the night but his stomach had other plans. He was starving and he decided that he would stretch his legs, go downstairs, and have the house elves prepare a meal for he and the girl. 

On his way downstairs he stopped by the Headmasters office but it was empty. He had figured it would be.He went to the kitchen and asked the house elves to prepare a meal for he and Hermione and then he went back to her room. It was starting to cool down outside so with a flick of his wand he started a fire in the fireplace and turned on the lights in the room. She didn't stir and he walked over to her debating on how to wake her up with out startling her. He gently shook her and she bolted upright and he nearly jumped back at the sudden movement.

"It's time for you to wake up, Miss Granger," he said using a schooled, authoritative tone. 

"I don't want to," she said turning over and he was reminded of why he had never even entertained the notion of having children. It was still a miracle that he had gotten through his teaching career with out murdering any of his students. It was very rare that she had ever been insubordinate to him and he wondered if it was an effect of what had happened or simply exhaustion. 

"I may no longer be your Professor, Miss Granger, but at the moment you are in my care, thus you will do as I say." 

She sat up and turned toward him and he expected to see her defiant or resentful, but she simply climbed out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. He turned and found that the house elves had delivered the food and set it out on the table by the fireplace. He sat down and tucked a napkin securely in the collar of his robes. He wanted to take his meal down to his chambers but he also wanted to make sure that she ate. Hermione came out of the bathroom a few moments later and sat down in the arm chair that was next to his. She grabbed a plate and sat indian-style with her plate balanced on her lap. He began to eat the turkey smothered in gravy and he watched from the corner of his eye as she listlessly picked at her food. 

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked after awhile. He was nearly finished and she hadn't taken more than a few bites.

"No."

"Eat anyway."

She picked up her fork and stuck it into the mashed potatoes. When he was reassured that she was getting food into her body he turned his attention back to his own meal. What was he supposed to say? He wanted to relieve the uncomfortable tension in the air but he had never been one to make polite conversation. He didn't know what she would like to talk about. There were always academic things. Severus had been very impressed with her final potion's project. She had created a new antidote to the Veritaserum potion. He had been very impressed by her ability to not only brew the Veritaserum but to counteract it's effects. True, there was already a proven antidote but with a little more work he thought that her formula could easily surpass it. He was saved from having to speak by a knock at the door followed by Dumbledore entering.

"Miss Granger, you're looking well this evening." She didn't look up from her plate, it was as if she hadn't even heard him. He wondered what thoughts she was thinking.

"Severus, a word out in the hall?"

He sat his napkin on the table, stood up and followed Albus out into the hall.

"How has she been doing?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

He shrugged, "I have no idea. I think it would be best if you had someone else here to assist in her care. Someone female perhaps?"

"I'm open to suggestions, Severus. Minerva of course would be my first choice but we've had no word from her for the last few days and I hate to call her away from her mission. You know that Bill Weasley barely escaped with his life from an attack and Molly Weasley is in Egypt tending to him." 

Severus furrowed his brow in concentration trying to think of people with whom she was close to. Anyone would be better than him. "Hagrid. The girl has always got on well with him." He felt a little ridiculous suggesting the half-giant. He didn't think Hagrid was exactly the best fit for this situation but then again neither was he.

"Hagrid's work with the giants is crucial, I'm afraid there is no way for him to come back until his work with them is complete. I can always send her to St. Mungo's, we can take extra precautions to keep her safe there." 

"And have her stuck in a ward with the insane in a place she doesn't know? I hardly think that any option at all." He couldn't imagine her being stuck in a bed there with Gilderoy Lockhart and the Longbottoms wandering around out of their minds. 

"Then the task must fall to us and with my duties calling me away..."

"I'll watch over her," he said with a heavy sigh, "At least until she is well enough to take care of herself."

Dumbledore smiled, though it was devoid of it's usual humor, "Then she stays. If you'll excuse me I think I will go lay down, it's getting late."

Severus nodded and bid him good night. He was worried about Dumbledore. He was looking older and run down lately. He was doing too much, spreading himself too thin. Severus wasn't sure how long he would be able to continue on with his work before he ran himself into his grave. He had long thought of Dumbledore as the father figure that he'd never had and just the thought of him not being around filled him with a sadness that he rarely felt.

He walked back into Hermione's room and found her back in bed her eyes closed. He hoped for her sake that she was truly asleep but he couldn't tell. He covered her with a blanket, cleared the table, and then made his way back to his chambers hoping that she would sleep through the night.

* * *

In the early hours of morning Hermione lay awake in her bed. She hadn't slept at all. She'd come close a few times but right before she drifted off she would see Lucius' face or hear his voice in her head and all thoughts of sleep would be driven from her mind. It was quiet. She closed her eyes hoping this time she would be able to sleep, to stop thinking and be able to rest without voices and faces haunting her. She startled and her eyes flew open as thunder boomed outside and seemed to shake the very castle itself. She pulled her knees up to her chest and listened to the great rumbling noise. She looked across the room, to the clock on the wall, it was just after eight in the morning. 

Hermione wearily got out of bed and made her way to the window. She opened it and leaned out, her arms resting on the window sill. She could feel the tension in the air as the early summer sky was blotted out by the dark rain clouds ready to unleash their fury on the world. Thunder sounded through out the room and it was so loud that it seemed to shake the very foundation of Hogwarts. She closed her eyes. She loved storms, loved the smell of the wet earth, the sound of rain drops hitting the window. She had always loved the feeling of being safe inside, protected from the elements. As she opened her eyes lightening flashed across the sky followed by more thunder. Well, she had learned that safety was nothing more than an illusion. She would never be safe again, would never feel safe again. She had the urge to be out in the middle of the storm, surrounded by the chaos and the fury of nature. 

She didn't bother changing out of her nightgown as she walked across the room, opened the door, and went out into the hall. Her bare feet silently moved across the floor as she made her way downstairs and through the castle. Hermione got to the Entrance Hall and when she opened the large doors she was buffeted by a strong wind. She took a step outside and shut the door behind her. It hadn't started to rain yet as she walked towards a spot of open ground. This was going to be no light summer shower but a full blown storm. The heavens thundered and Hermione stood, her arms open, ready to embrace it and, as if she commanded nature itself, it began to rain. 

It seemed as if the rain was unleashed all at once and within seconds she was completely soaked but she didn't care. She laughed and twirled around as lightening arced across the sky. This was freedom. This was living. She ran her fingers through her hair, already heavy with rain, and for the first time since she'd woken up here she felt really alive. There were no thoughts or struggles within her head not to remember, there was only wind, and rain, and thunder. Nothing mattered but the cold droplets of water that clung to her skin and the thunder that roared it's anger at the world in a way that she couldn't. 


	5. Hate

Reviews are so much appreciated!! I would like to thank everyone who has submitted one so far, they absolutely make my day and give me the drive to keep writing. Please feel free to leave comments. Happy reading!

* * *

When Hermione woke up she was warm and dry and for a moment she wondered if she had simply imagined the rain. Nothing more than a dream. She sat up and looked over to see Snape sitting in a chair next to her bed, his arms crossed. He didn't look happy. Honestly when did he? Though she was no longer a student at Hogwarts she half expected him to give her detention or take points away. She sat up pulling her knees up to her chest. He stayed silent, watching her with an unblinking gaze that unnerved her more than anything.

"I believe there are a few things that we need discuss Miss Granger," he said breaking the silence.

She turned towards him, meeting his gaze and then looking away. She was so confused about everything. What she wanted. What she felt. Who she was now. She didn't have any answers for herself, let alone for her former potions professor.

"We need to talk about what happened to you when you were... abducted."

Hermione closed her eyes trying to block out the picture of Lucius Malfoy in her mind.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it," she said through clenched teeth.

"Be that as it may you will never move past it if you keep it inside." His voice had an uncharacteristically gentle tone to it.

"Then let it out. Give me a pensieve or obliviate me." That was the only way to make it better. Talking about it wasn't going to solve anything. Remembering wasn't going to help her move past it. Only make her relive it.

"In the past that has been shown to do more harm then good when dealing with traumatic events."

She stayed silent wishing that Lucius had killed her, it would be so much easier, for everyone.

"I can always ask Potter and Weasley here if you would prefer." How dare he stab at the quick of her soul?

"No. I don't want them here." She couldn't let them see her, see the shame that she had to have clearly written on her face.

"Go away. I want to be left alone," she said quietly but he didn't move. She turned over with her back to him. She didn't want to discuss it further. She didn't want to think about it, she just wanted to be left alone.

He was sitting there, silently, and she closed her eyes tightly, wishing him away. She hated him. She didn't want him there. Why wouldn't he leave?

"I hate you," she said vehemently as she turned over and looked at him. The words had left her mouth without thought but she couldn't bring herself to regret them.

"And why is that?" he asked mildly. She was sure it wasn't the first time he'd ever heard someone say that to him.

She glared at him, "You hate Harry over something that wasn't his fault, something his father did to you. You are a miserable, lonely, person so you try to make everyone else just as miserable whether they deserve it or not. Look at how you treated Neville Longbottom, and don't tell me it was some misguided attempt to toughen him up. You have no idea what you did to him, how you humiliated him and you probably couldn't even care less. You are a Professor, it's not your job to be cruel or to make everyone feel as if they have no value. The worst part is that you enjoy it. You enjoy hurting people. That's why I hate you, that's why everyone hates you," she said acidly. She didn't know why her dislike of him was suddenly bubbling forth but she couldn't hold it in.

"Is that so?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, now leave. I don't want you here and you don't want to be here so save the both of us the trouble of having to sit here and be civil to one another."

"Well, Miss Granger, frankly I couldn't care less about your wishes and I will not have you forget that you are guest here. Regardless of your feelings towards me or the things that you have experienced that does not give you license to be rude to those who are only trying to help you."

"You think I believe that you want to help me?" she asked getting angry. It felt good to feel something so strongly, something other than fear, and to let it out on someone other than herself. "You've never done anything unless it helps you in the long run."

"Believe what you will. I have no need to justify myself to you, my reasons are my own."

"You're right. You don't have to justify your decisions to me but how do you justify them to yourself? You became a Death Eater. You killed people. You tortured people who didn't so anything to deserve it. You probably even raped a few muggles and got a good laugh out of --"

"Silence!" he stood up and suddenly she noticed an aura of power emanating from him. The look on his face made her feel ashamed and guilty for what she had said and she waited for him to verbally assault her. Instead he turned and walked out, slamming the door behind himself.

For the first time since she had been rescued she began to cry.

* * *

Severus slammed the door to his dungeons shut behind him and threw himself into the chair behind his desk. He couldn't believe what she had said... how close to the truth her words were. He put his head in his hands. She wasn't the only one with things that would make life easier if forgotten. He had spent his whole adult life trying to repent for the things he had done but it was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing he did could erase the things that he had done. He looked around his laboratory and the meticulously organized jars of ingredients. It usually made him feel better to look at them but now it seemed like an empty pleasure. He couldn't stay at Hogwarts any longer. He had to get away from everything here. He had to get away from her. There were those that knew about his past as a Death Eater but none of them, not even Sirius Black, had gone as far as she had. It was decided. Tomorrow he would talk to Dumbledore and have him make other arrangements for her.

He had always held a grudging respect for Miss Granger. She was intelligent, eager to learn, and she had a thirst for knowledge that had rivaled his own. Having her in class had at times, though he would never admit it, been a delight. Especially during this last year. She had been one of five students in Advanced Potions. Strangely enough, due to the odd number of students in the class, she had often been partnered alone. For awhile it had given him an odd sort of glee. He'd been amused by the other students' reluctance to pair with her. He'd thought that it had been because they were intimidated by her or that they were afraid that he would be especially harsh on anyone that paired with her. In reality, he had found out later, she had refused to partner with anyone.

While he found that admirable, and also stupid, it earned her his respect. Instead of making her partner with one of the other groups he had respected her decision to do it by herself. He sometimes helped her when the potion was too difficult for one person to do alone. Still, the times that she had needed assistance had been few and far between. She had surprised him with her natural ability at Potions and he had quite enjoyed watching her succeed. There were many times when he had sat in class, holding his breath, waiting for her to fail. When she hadn't he had secretly shared in her triumph. Granger had been one of his least, and most, favorite students. Her harsh words had cut him in more ways than one.

Severus got up from his chair and then made his way into the adjoining sitting room. It was sparsely furnished as he rarely entertained. As far as he could recollect the only person who had been invited into his private chambers had been the Headmaster. There was a sofa decorated in a renaissance style. It was fashioned in green and black, as was much of the room. There were two large sitting chairs in front of the fireplace with a little table in between them. The walls were brightly decorated with various scenes of Wizarding history. One was even a colorful rendition of 'The Fountain Of Magical Brethren' found in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic.

Sometimes he needed a little bit of brightness to lighten the dreariness of the dungeons. Despite what some people would think he was very much a connoisseur of fine art and food. He owned many paintings, most which were secured in his vault at Gringotts. One of his most secret dreams was to visit Paris and live there for awhile. As soon as Voldemort was defeated then he would go. He would leave Hogwarts, leave this life, and disappear. The way things were going that might still be years away. He wasn't sure he would last that long.

Severus sat down in one of the chairs and as he did a glass of wine appeared next to him. He took it and slowly sipped the red liquid. His eyes fell to a chest that was sitting in a darkened corner. He hadn't opened it in years. About eighteen years. He willed his thoughts away from those things but his mind wasn't letting him rest. He had done terrible. Things that kept him awake long into the middle of the night while he remembered and regretted. Regrets that made up a large part of his life. Regrets that, despite appearances, made him very unsure of himself. Sometimes he didn't know if he was doing the right thing. If it would ever make a difference.

'There are spots that don't come off, spots that never come off.'

He pushed up the sleeve of his left forearm and looked at the dark mark. It was barely visible, it looked like nothing more than a slight discoloration of skin, but it was there and would be there until the day that he died. Whether he could see it or not, it would never come off. He would never be free of it. Of all the things in his life that he wished he hadn't done that was his biggest regret, but he'd been so... lost... back then. He had yearned to be accepted, he had wanted to fit in somewhere... be something to someone. He had been foolish enough to believe that becoming a Death Eater would fill that void. How stupid he'd been. He spent along time staring into his wine glass, searching for answers he knew he wouldn't find. He hoped that sleep would come at some point in the night.

* * *

Hermione woke up early in the morning the next day. She had cried herself into an exhausted, and much needed, sleep. She laid in bed for a long time. Sunlight was flooding through the open window and it was a bright summer day. She could hear birds chirping and smell flowers. She sat up and climbed out of bed and walked to a bureau that held her school uniforms from last term. She dressed and it felt odd to be back in her school clothes when she wasn't a student anymore. They didn't seem to fit who she was anymore. She then made her way outside. She stopped just outside of the doors and closed her eyes, soaking up the warm sunshine, drinking in the fragrant air.

There was no sign of the storm that had passed through the day before as she walked to the lake. She sat down on a bench and stared at the water for a while, and then she made her way across the grounds to Hagrid's cabin. It was locked and empty and Hermione sat down on the stoop wishing that Hagrid was there. The sun was warm on her back and she pulled her knees up to her chin. She listened to the sound of birds chirping and the occasional honeybee flying past her. A small breeze flowed over her and it reminded her of summers spent at home. Home. The word echoed in her mind. She ached to see her parents but she knew that she would never be able to tell them what had happened to her. Ever. She wondered what Dumbledore had told them to explain why she hadn't been at King's Cross that day. She hoped he had told them anything but the truth.

The day slowly passed by and she stayed there, taking enjoyment from it. It was peaceful and silent and she let herself drift between sleep and wakefulness. After awhile she had worked up the courage to do what she knew had to be done.

Apologize.

The chilliness of the dungeons was a welcome change from the heat outside. Hermione was going over what she was going to say in her head but she doubted that she would be able to recall the words she wanted to say when she came face to face with him. Walking into the potion's classroom gave her a sense of deja vu. She wanted to go back to a time when she would stumble into the classroom after practically no sleep, and still manage to do well. She wanted to go back to being Hermione Granger, top student of Hogwarts. Instead she wasn't a student anymore. She didn't have a job. She didn't have anything. No purpose. No dreams. No real goals. The only thing she wanted to do was feel safe enough to walk out the gates and not fear for her life. She wanted to close her eyes without seeing what happened in that chamber.

Hermione walked across the room to the door that led to Snape's office. She went inside and his office was empty, as she thought it would be. On the other side of that room was another door that she suspected lead to his private chambers. She stood outside the door and knocked. There was no answer. She cracked the door open but the room was empty. It looked like it was a private laboratory. It was smaller than the classroom and there was a large table in the middle of the room. The shelves were lined with so many ingredients that it made her head spin. She wanted to look around but she didn't want to lose her courage.

Across the room Hermione could see an open door and movement from with in. She walked over to the door and stopped a few feet away. Snape was pacing and flipping through a book. She was surprised that he didn't notice her. She cleared her throat and he spun around. When his eyes landed on her they narrowed and for once Hermione wondered if he actually hated her more than Harry. She hadn't been expecting this to be easy but at the same time she wasn't sure she was ready to face his anger.

"Miss Granger, to what do I owe this... pleasure?" His voice was clipped and cool, the one he used to set first years trembling in their robes. Well she wasn't a first year and it wasn't going to work.

"I wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday. It was out of line and I'm sorry." It was shorter than she had expected it to be. There had been a whole speech planned out in her head but it had all disappeared like smoke in the wind.

"You're sorry Miss Granger?" he said with a sneer. "Save your trifle apologies for someone who cares to hear them. You will no longer have to put up with me because I will be leaving shortly."

A part of her felt relieved that she wouldn't have to be around him anymore, that she could be by herself without him hovering over her in a misguided attempt to make her better. Anything was better than being stuck here with him.

"And you, my dear, better get packed."

For some reason Hermione's heart began to pound, she didn't like the malicious look of satisfaction on his face. She had seen it too often, just when he was about to fail a student or hand back a test with a less than stellar grade. This was worse, much worse.

"What do you mean?" She was proud that her voice didn't tremble.

Snape smiled, and it reminded her so much of Lucius Malfoy that she took a step back.

"St. Mungos of course, unfortunately there's no other choice. Dumbledore should be here soon to collect you." God she hated that voice. Hated him.

"I – I'm not injured, I'm fine, I don't need a mediwitch," she said trying to swallow the lump in her throat. What was he doing? What in the Hell was he trying to do?

"I'm sure a few weeks on the sixth floor will be good for you, after your ordeal."

"But – but that's – no that's where Neville's parents – where Lockhart – I'm _not_ crazy."

"I think that's for the experts to decide. Now if you'll excuse me –,"

"I'm not crazy, I'm not! I can't go there. I can't. Please. I'm sorry." Images were rushing through her head. She didn't want to leave Hogwarts. The thought of leaving filled her with enough fear, but the thought of leaving to go to St. Mungos sent terror coursing through her body. She wouldn't go. Couldn't go. There had to be some way to make him see. She had to convince him not to let her go.


	6. Truce

Calm.

Stay calm.

Hermione took a deep breath.

Snape was just bluffing. He and Dumbledore were not going to send her to St. Mungos. He was angry and he was punishing her. A twisted sort of detention.

Try not to cry. That wouldn't help anything. She wasn't going to look weak in front of him. Evil git that he was.

She was so tired of fighting with him and fighting with herself. There was nothing that could make her better. St. Mungos was not the answer though. That much she knew. She felt broken, smashed up against the Whomping Willow until the pieces were so small it was impossible to put her back together again. She didn't want to be herself anymore, it felt... wrong, to be Hermione. As if she was in another person's skin, like she had used the polyjuice potion. The only problem was that in one hour she wouldn't turn back into herself, she wouldn't be Hermione Granger, intelligent, brave, full of life and vitality she was never going to be the same.

It was his damn fault.

If he would just leave her alone and stop torturing her. Hermione brought her mind back to the problem at hand. He was just standing there looking at her. She wanted to wipe that smug smile from his face. So he thought he had bested her? Well, he had another thing coming.

"Fine," she said with a calm voice.

"I'll be in my room." Hermione turned and walked out anger coursing through her. He really thought he could send her away and she would go quietly? He was wrong. Strategies ran through her head. She could owl Harry and Ron... but she wasn't ready to see them. She could hide in the Room of Requirement until he came to his senses and realized he was being an evil bastard.

If she was locked up then she would truly go mad, she was sure of it. A plan in mind, she traveled through the silent halls and stopped when she reached the great doors. She opened them as quietly as possible and then made her way outside. It was still beautiful outside. The warmth of the afternoon sun shone down upon her. Hermione could see the gates off in the distance and began to determinedly walk towards them. Dumbledore couldn't make her go to St. Mungos and neither could anyone else. She was an adult and she could leave whenever she wanted to and that was just what she was going to do.

One could not apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts so as soon as she got on the other side of the gates she could be free to go where she pleased. She hadn't yet earned her apparation license but she knew what to do in theory. It couldn't be that hard. She could apparate to the Leaky Cauldron and then she would figure out where to go next. The Burrow sounded appealing as did Grimwauld place but she didn't think she was ready to see her friends, not yet, not when she wasn't herself.

Hermione had finally reached the gates and when she went to push them open they didn't budge. She tried a few more times and looked for a locking mechanism but she didn't find one. She reached in her pocket for her wand only to discover that it wasn't there. Of course it wasn't there. The last time she had seen it was when Lucius had pointed it her. She never wanted to see that wand again. She looked up at the twelve foot high gate, there was only one thing to do and that was start climbing. It was hard work and she had nearly made it to the top when suddenly she felt herself being lifted into the air and she began to slowly descend to the ground. She turned to Snape, his wand in his hand.

* * *

Severus had watched her leave without saying a word. As soon as she left a whimsical smile crossed his face. That look of abject determination was something that he hadn't seen in her since she had been rescued. Perhaps he had been a bit hasty in his decision to send her away. It was rare that he did something without thinking. He had let his anger at her words get to him in a way that he shouldn't have. He supposed that it was the fact that the harsh words had come from her. He had done nothing but try to help her and she had thrown everything that he had done back in his face.

Brought up a past he didn't want to remember.

She was right though. He hated to admit it but she had been right. At that moment he hated that about her. Still, that was no reason to punish her. She had been through so much and he supposed that she had a right to lash out. He still wasn't pleased that he had been her target. With a flick of his wand he unpacked his clothes. Spinner's End would have to wait. He tried to push away his disappointment at not being able to go home. In truth it wasn't that much of a sacrifice. Here he had house elves at his beck and call, a spacious castle almost all to himself. It was the fact that he was sharing it with her that got to him. Still, he might as well go find her and set things straight. From that look in her eye she was probably already planning her escape.

It took him only a few minutes to find her. He watched, amused as she stomped across the grounds towards the gate. He leaned against the wall with his arms crossed as he watched her try to open the gates. That didn't seem to work so she stood there looking up at the gates. He chuckled as she began to climb them. It was a little known fact that once you reached the top of the gate you could never get to the other side. That stopped students from getting out and others from getting in. She had almost made it to the top when he strode after her.

With a flick of his wand he _wingardium leviosa_'d her back to the ground.

She looked less than pleased.

"You can not make me go to St. Mungos, if you do I'll report you and Dumbledore to the Ministry."

He supposed she had a point but he figured she was bluffing. He was doubtful that she would actually accuse Dumbledore of kidnapping. Of course he was a different story.

He pointed his wand ,and with a screech, the gates opened behind her.

"You are free to leave. However, I have decided that should you want to continue your stay here at Hogwarts it would permissible." He turned sharply, his black robes swirling around him as he made his way back down to the castle. If he knew her as well as he thought she wouldn't leave. Hogwarts was the one place she was safe. He glanced back and saw her reluctantly following. With a flick of his wand the gates closed behind them.

* * *

Hermione followed him back to the castle but didn't go inside. She trusted him, she didn't know why but she did. It was only mid-afternoon and already she was exhausted. It seemed like every little thing sucked her energy away. She had slept more in the last week than she had the entire last month of school. She wondered if that had something to do with it. Her last month at Hogwarts she'd gotten an average of three or four hours of sleep a day. There had been so much to do. Exams, NEWTS, essays, projects. Every waking moment there had been something to do. She wondered if at least some of the way she was feeling had something to do with winding down from all of that. Either way she hoped she would feel better soon.

She heard the sound of wings and looked up just in time to see Hedwig land right beside of her. Her heart started pounding as she took the piece of parchment that was tied to her leg. With that done she watched as Hegwig launched herself into the air and flew away. Hermione looked at the folded piece of paper and saw that her name was written on the front. Harry's handwriting.

She missed him.

Missed both of them.

Harry and Ron had been so many things to her. Best friends, brothers, confidants. The two loves of her life. She loved them both more than she ever thought she could love anyone else. It wasn't a romantic love, or a sexual love, but it surpassed what she felt for family and friends. They were the other parts of her.

Had been the other parts of her.

Right now she felt as if there had been an explosion in her insides, shattering everything that she knew and felt.

Hermione went to open the letter and then she stopped herself. She couldn't read it, not now. Maybe later. She went inside and stopped in the main hall wondering where to go. She was so tired of her room. Maybe she could go to the Gryffindor Common Room... and do what? She had no homework, nothing to do. There was only one place to go, the library. Maybe there she could find a distraction. Something worthwhile to think about. She would read the letter later. When she wasn't afraid that she would be filled with such sadness and longing for her old life that it might make whatever was left of her crumble to pieces.

* * *

Severus made his way to the kitchens of the castle to get something to eat for supper, his stomach was grumbling and it had been a while since he'd eaten anything. His long fingers rubbed at his temples. He could feel a headache coming on and he hoped once he had something to eat it would go away. From the kitchens he made his way to the library carrying a tray loaded with food. The house elves had been a little exuberant in their cooking. Usually they had to feed three hundred students, the staff, and themselves. Now that nearly everyone was gone the elves were getting bored so they spent their days cooking large amounts of food anyway. Dumbledore had arranged for the excess food to be sent to St. Mungos to feed the patients and staff.

Severus entered the library only to find that it was all ready occupied by none other than Miss Granger. She was sitting at a desk alone staring at a folded piece of parchment and absently holding a book. He was curious as to what she was doing but he quelled his urge to ask and sat his tray of food on a table in the far corner and then made his way over to the restricted section. He found a book he hoped would help him on his current potions project. He began eating while flipping through the book, glad that Madame Pince wasn't there to _avada kadava_ him for eating and drinking in her library. He casually glanced at Granger and saw that her back was to him and she was holding the piece of parchment. Suddenly it occurred to him that it was a letter. He was suddenly out of his seat and he quickly made his way over to her.

"What is that?" he asked trying to sound casual.

"It's a letter from Harry and Ron," she said quietly.

Merlin!

Those two idiots better not have said anything. They had all agreed to tell her at the right time. It wasn't the right time. If they told her...

"May I see it?" he asked holding out his hand ready to grab it. If she wouldn't hand it over he would incinerate it if he had to. There was no way that she could find out. Not now.

"I haven't gotten to read it yet –," she protested, holding the letter close to her.

"Hand it over Miss Granger or I incinerate it." She glared at him defiantly and then handed him the letter. He quickly unfolded it and began to read it to himself:

Hermione, this is Harry and Ron (Ron seemed to have been written in after the fact)

We've been thinking about you and we hope to see you soon, we miss you lots and we hope that you are feeling better. Everyone sends their love. Lupin wants me to tell you that he found an old book that you're going to love and he can't wait to discuss it with you. If you would like a few visitors just tell us when and we'll be there in a second. Well, I'll be there in a second. I just got my apparation license yesterday. Ron, on the other hand, failed. He almost squelched himself, it was hilarious. ('It was not' was written in different hand writing presumably by Ron) He blames it on the fact that you weren't there to help him study. He did get the question right about not being able to apparate on the Hogwart's Grounds, thanks to you.

We're both really proud of you Hermione. I don't think any one of us could have been as brave.

Love, Harry and Ron.

He handed the letter back to her glad that they'd had the good sense not to mention it. If she found out... especially now, he wasn't sure what she would do. She took the letter back and held it with trembling hands. He waited for her to read it but she folded it back up and sat it on the table where she looked at it.

"I don't really want to read it," she said quietly, almost to herself.

"Why not?" he couldn't resist asking. She was silent for awhile and he wondered if she was going to answer.

"They haven't changed, they're still Harry and Ron but me, I'm different, I'm not their best friend anymore. I want to be. I wish I were the person that I was before all of this but I just feel so... and I can never go back to the way that I was. I feel like I'm so different from them now."

"I hate to shatter your illusions but you were always different from Potter and Weasley and one would think that after surviving all that your friendship has survived it would be near unbreakable by now." He wanted to slap himself, he was beginning to sound like Dumbledore.

"We have been through a lot, I really miss them but... I'll read it later," she said briskly as she stuffed the parchment into her pocket. He wasn't so sure that she would read it later but in a strange way he understood.

"Would you care to join me for something to eat? I have a task that I would like to discuss with you if you're interested." He was going to make the rest of their stay together as bearable as possible. While he was in the kitchens he had designed a plan that just might get both of their minds off of their problems and allow him to look after her at the same time.


	7. Potions

Severus watched as Hermione's eyes narrowed as if searching his face for an ulterior motive. He had learned long ago to hide his emotions. In his world showing emotions could get you killed. It hadn't taken him very long to come up with this plan. It made sense really. She had been a good student and would be useful if she decided to help him. She might even enjoy herself.

"All right." She stood up and walked over to the table where his untouched tray of food was sitting.

"Help yourself," he said motioning for her to sit and she did. He watched as she took a piece of homemade bread and slathered butter on it. At least she was eating without putting up a fight about it. That made him feel relieved. He had come up with several tasks for her to complete over the next few weeks that would keep her occupied and hopefully out of his way. It was all in the form of research so he doubted she'd mind.

"What did you want me to do?" she asked curiously as she poured herself a glass of pumpkin juice. There was only one cup and she was using it.

"I'm doing research for a new potion that I've been working on. I need the formula for the Polyjuice potion. I was hoping you could look through the library and see if it happens to be here," he kept a smirk from his face. There was only one book that the Polyjuice potion could be found in and currently it was sitting in a dusty corner of the restricted section. It would take her days to find it, thus giving him time alone in his laboratory without worrying what she was doing.

"Moste Potente Potions on page 89. I can go get it right now if you'd like. What type of potion are you doing research for?" she asked taking a sip of her pumpkin juice.

Severus stared at her trying not to let his surprise show. He wondered how she knew what page it was on. He could only remembering mentioning the book once in class and that had been so long ago it was a surprise to him that she still remembered.

"You're familiar with Moste Potente Potions?" Why she would have been looking through a book like that. Of course he already knew why, she was Hermione Granger, more ravenclaw-like than the average Ravenclaw.

He watched as face turned red and then she seemed to be thinking about something and Severus wondered if she had done more than simply read the book.

"I did one of the potions," she said biting the inside of her lip.

"Which one?" he asked genuinely curious. Most of those potions were at the least, NEWT level, and the rest were much more complicated than that.

"In my second year Harry, Ron, and I, well me mostly, created the Polyjuice potion for a special... uh... project."

"You created the polyjuice potion in your second year?" he asked. A twelve-year-old creating a potion as complicated as that was nearly impossible, nearly. He knew that she was a clever student and had a talent for potion making but this, though he hated to admit it, amazed him.

"What were your results?" he asked, his love for the subtle art of potion making coming through. It had been so long since he'd actually had someone to intelligently discuss potions with. Every now and then he'd sneak away to a Potions convention but those were few and far between.

"It worked well, but for one... misstep towards the end, a bit of cat hair got put into the potion and unfortunately I was stuck with cat like features for several weeks," she said with an embarrassed grimace.

Severus vaguely remembered her absence from his class but he hadn't bothered to find out why. They sat there talking and he discovered that she had been the one who had stolen the boomslang skin from his private stores. Instead of being angry he was rather amused, he had always thought Potter had done it. While she skirted around the details of why exactly she had made the potion they talked about the process of making it. When he had been apprenticed soon after leaving Hogwarts he had been given the task to make the Polyjuice potion. It had taken him two tries to get it perfected while hers had worked the first time around.

The clock in the corner chimed and Severus realized how late it was getting. They had somehow gotten onto the topic of the wolfsbane potion, one that she had been interested in since she had discovered that Remus Lupin used it to control his transformations.

"We should continue this discussion tomorrow. It's getting late and I could use the rest," he said standing up, he stretched and then with a flick of the wand made the remnants of their food disappear. He was pleased to see that between the two of them they had finished most of it.

"I am a little tired," she admitted as she also stood up.

Severus watched her as she walked across the library and then disappeared out the door. It was odd but he felt almost a sense of comradery with her. It was strange to talk with her, one-on-one, about his greatest love. In class it was different. He just taught bumbling fools who would probably never master potions in ten lifetimes. She was different. For some reason it was easy for her, and he admired that natural talent. He ran his hand through his long hair and then made his way back to the dungeons intent on a good night's sleep.

* * *

Hermione sat in bed, her knees pulled up to her chest. She stared at the folded bit of parchment that was resting on the blanket. She wanted to read it so badly. When she reached her hand towards it her hand began to shake and she couldn't bring herself to open it. She wanted to see them, her two best friends, life just felt so empty without them. They had spent most of their lives together, the longest she had ever been away from them was the few short months of their summer breaks. It had even been years since they'd spent even that amount of time without them. They were her family and she wanted them to comfort her but she knew she wasn't ready to see them yet. So many things had changed and it wouldn't be the same. She didn't know why.

Snape's words floated through her head, she, Harry, and Ron had survived so much. Hermione wanted to believe that their friendship was unbreakable, the one constant thing in her life, but if it wasn't what would she have left?

Nothing.

She quickly grabbed the letter and made herself read it. It looked as if it had been written by Harry but Ron had gone in and added things in parenthesis. By the time she had finished reading the short letter she was crying. It wasn't a bad crying though. A smile broke through as she pictured Ron squelching himself. She had the two greatest friends in the world. She loved them both so much.

Hermione got up out of bed and searched her desk until she found a sheet of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink. She stared at the blank parchment wondering what she was going to write, what she could say to them. It was very rare that she was speechless, especially when it came to her friends. However at the moment she couldn't think of a thing to say. Finally she forced herself to come up with something.  
_  
Dear Harry and Ron,_

She stopped not knowing what to write next, should she pretend that she was all right?

Should she tell them how... broken she felt?

_Thank you so much for the letter. I've been thinking about, and missing, you too. Tell Lupin I can't wait to read the book, you know me, always up for an interesting read. Good job on getting your license Harry. I wish I had been there to see it. Ron, I know you'll do better next time, maybe we can take our test together. _

Hermione stopped again. She wasn't sure she wanted to make plans for the future to see them. She was just so unsure right now and as much as she knew that they would love and support her she didn't want to feel pushed to be someone she didn't feel like she was.

_I'm not really up for visitors right now but I really look forward to seeing the both of you in the future._

Hermione signed her name, feeling like a liar. She didn't look forward to seeing them but she couldn't tell them that. She sat the letter by her bed and then she blew out the candles that were lit around her room and then she got back into bed. She laid there for a long time, thinking about her friends and all that they had been through. Trolls, a three-headed dog, a basilisk, dementors, blast ended skrewts. Compared to what she had endured in that chamber, blast-ended Skrewts and basilisks didn't sound so bad. She shook her head telling herself not to think about that, not to let his voice into her mind, she couldn't think about it. If she just pretended that it never happened then she could live through it.

The Gryffindor climbed back into bed. She thought back to her time in the library with Snape. It had been strangely pleasant. The ability to have a normal conversation about something mundane was something she had feared she lost. The conversation with him had made her realize that although lots of things had been taken from her there were still things that hadn't been. She still had her thirst for knowledge, that was something that no one had managed to take away from her. She would hold onto that. Hermione fell asleep thinking about ingredients and potions.

* * *

The next morning Severus Snape sat at the desk in his room, a mug of coffee in one hand and the Daily Prophet spread out on the table before him. There was nothing of interest to him except an article saying that there had been a rise in dark activities through out the world and that wasn't much news at all. He flipped through the rest of the paper and sipped his coffee.

He was startled by a knock at the door. Thinking it was the Headmaster he walked and opened it. He was surprised to see Granger standing there, looking as if she had been awake for quite sometime. Ah, to be young again.

"Yes?" he asked trying to keep the harshness from his voice. He was not a morning person and he didn't like being disturbed before he had finished at least two cups of coffee.

"I was wondering if we could continue talking about potions. Maybe, well maybe, we could brew one from Moste Potente Potions," she asked. "I would do it myself but I don't really have the ingredients for anything and I wouldn't want to presume that... well that I could use your things without asking."

He looked at the clock on the other side of the room and resisted the urge to massage his temples. "Miss Granger, it's barely after seven in the morning. I think I'd like to wake up a bit for I go off brewing complicated potions." He was intrigued by her sudden motivation. It was the first time that she had seemed to want to really do something other than lock herself in her room or go traipsing outside in the rain.

She shrugged. "I don't mind waiting," To his complete and utter surprise she walked into his room, sat down at his table and began reading his copy of the Daily Prophet.

He stood there staring at her and not quite knowing what to say.

"Why don't you go to my laboratory. I'll be there shortly."

Hermione got up and walked out and he shook his head as he watched her go. She sometimes surprised him and if there was one thing that he didn't like, it was being surprised. He finished his coffee and then made his way to the lab where she was walking around admiring all of his jars filled with various potion ingredients.

"What's this one?" she asked pointing to an unlabeled jar.

"Dragon intestines."

"No wonder Hagrid doesn't like you very much," she said as she walked over to him, waiting expectantly.

Severus had been working something over in his mind, he had planned to work on a project this summer but had decided to postpone it in lieu of his new... duties. Now he was wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea to do the potions project anyway and have her help him. He had originally just planned for her to do research, just to keep her occupied and to make sure that his own notes were accurate. Maybe having her assistance on the actual potion-making wasn't such a bad idea. It would keep them both occupied for hours at a time and he was beginning to think that she might be more of a help than a hindrance.

He decided it couldn't hurt. If they botched the potion he could always try again later.

"I've been working on a variation of the Wolfsbane potion. I'll need three cauldrons, one large one and two of the smaller ones. They're in the cabinet over there, third door from the right. Wash both of them out by hand first in the sink by the corner."

Severus watched her and her eyes seemed to light up, just as they had the night before when they had been talking about potions. He realized that she looked alive, something that she had been lacking these last few days. At least he seemed to be doing something right. He'd had the mistaken impression that taking care of her had been something of a nurse maid's role. Perhaps he had been wrong.

"What type of variation?" she asked as she went about the tasks he had set her on. He could clearly hear the excitement in her voice and he nearly wanted to smile, nearly. To occupy himself he began gathering the ingredients they were going to be using.

"After a certain number of years a werewolf builds up a resistance against the Wolfsbane potion. I've been developing a formula that will hopefully not only break down that resistance but have a longer effect on delaying the transformation of the werewolf. If my formula is correct then the affected werewolf will only have to take the potion twice a year. It will stop werewolf transform and also any pain or discomfort during the time of the full moon."

He could tell that she was working over the challenge in her mind, weighing what it could do to help the Werewolf community. He was a little surprised that he had even told her, but for Dumbledore and Remus Lupin no other knew about what he had been working on for the last two years. It had been his secret, his passion. He had devoted hours upon hours of work and research to this and it had been so easy to tell her. He supposed it was because there was probably no one else around that would really understand.

"You really want me to help you?" she asked from where she was diligently scrubbing the cauldrons in the sink. He gave noncommittal shrug.

"If you have nothing better to do."

She looked at him and actually graced with him with a small smile.

"I have nothing better to do."


	8. Mask

Again I would like to thank you all for your wonderful reviews. Keep them coming! It makes me enjoy writing this more than you know.

* * *

Six days had passed.

Severus had to admit that they hadn't been the worst six days of his life.

Six days they had been working on the potion. According to his calculations it would take about a month to get everything brewed and mixed. He had to admit, he was actually looking forward to it. He glanced over at her from across the table and once again felt himself fill with a little bit of relief. Hermione seemed to be enjoying herself. There had been no incidents lately, no lashing out. She almost seemed as if she was back to her normal self. This gave him a little hope that not all was lost. The first few days he had believed that this arrangement was not going to work but so far he had been proven wrong. Things were finally starting to progress.

He was surprised that she had taken so well to this project. She didn't mind standing over a boiling cauldron all day or spend endless hours cutting and chopping up ingredients. Granted she had never seemed to mind in class, still, Double Potions was quite different from what they were doing. Yesterday they had spent nearly nine hours secluded in the large room before he had insisted that she go outside and get some fresh air. She'd actually protested. She reminded him more of himself sometimes than he cared to admit. He knew that was probably why they had disagreed so frequently.

Severus, to his complete and total surprise, actually didn't mind working with her. She was precise, she followed his directions to the letter, and she didn't complain. The three most important qualities as far as he was concerned. What also surprised him was that when they took breaks for meals she actually sat with him and they talked. He knew that she did it to keep her mind off of other things more than anything else but he found their conversations somewhat enjoyable, which was probably the biggest surprise of all. He had never been very big on talking to other people. It required him to be polite and hold his tongue, both of which he hated doing. She didn't seem to mind his harsh analyses and frank opinions and he appreciated the fact that he didn't have to censor himself.

While their conversations were not always about potions it never strayed to anything personal, which was a relief to him. He didn't plan on telling his entire life story to her. To anyone really. The only person he could say that knew any significant details about his life was Dumbledore. He was very content at keeping it that way. Apparently she felt the same way. He had attempted once or twice to get her to open up about what had happened to her but still she remained firm in her stance that the topic was off limits. He had tried to respect that. He just wanted her to talk about it so that she could begin to heal.

It wasn't healthy to keep so much inside.

Of course that had never stopped him.

At the moment they were eating supper and had been discussing the animagus elixir which was a potion that could mirror the powers of an animagi for short periods of time. This led them to the discussion of animagi in general. Hermione was telling him about how she had discovered that the reporter Rita Skeeter was an animagi and how she had all but blackmailed her into stopping the outrageous stories about Harry. He hid a smile behind his hand. He found her story oddly entertaining, especially the bit about how she'd put the Skeeter woman into a jar.

It was beginning to get late and they had a little bit left to do on the potion before it was safe to let it simmer overnight. He had been sleeping incredibly well lately. Whether it was the mental fatigue of such complicated potions or just the fact that his stress level had dropped dramatically.

Either way, he couldn't really complain. He was enjoying the slight normalcy he felt. It was good to have a routine and it was good to have something to keep his mind off of everything. He had put a temporary hold on all of the worrying. Generally the conflict between the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters was not far from his mind but lately it had been pushed aside in favor of more pleasant things. It was rare that he felt such a level of contentment in his life. He'd spent the last week brewing potions and enjoying intellectual discussions. He would almost go as far as to say that at that moment he was happy with life. There were no students to deal with, no papers to grade, no plans for the Order to carry out. He quite liked it like this.

* * *

Hermione took a sip of her pumpkin juice and idly glanced at her Professor. He was busy finishing the last of his sandwich and once again she marveled at how well they got along. When he wasn't taking points from Gryffindor, intimidating everyone, or just generally being the biggest prat that ever lived he was actually all right. He still made good use of his gift of sarcasm but instead of finding it intimidating she found it quite funny at times. He had very interesting ways of putting things into perspective. It was getting rather late, darkness had fallen outside and she smothered a yawn.

It had been an interesting week to say the least. She had almost convinced herself that she was back in school again and that everything was normal. Generally Hermione would wake up, after sleeping in, grab breakfast and then make her way down to Snape's laboratory where he would be waiting. They would then spend the rest of the day working on potions. Some days were busier than others. Sometimes the several potions that they were making all at once required little more than stirring or a change in temperature. This left ample time for other pursuits.

Sometimes Hermione felt as if she was taking a college course on Potions. It wasn't that she minded, there were just endless amounts of lectures. She actually enjoyed them. Snape had an endless amount of knowledge at his disposal, both in books and in his head. She had always assumed that potions was something like a hobby to her Professor. Everyone knew that it was the Defense Against The Dark Arts position that he really wanted. However she had changed her opinion of that. Potions seemed to be his life. In addition to that he had a fair amount of knowledge about other topics, especially Herbology. She was beginning to see that he was a lot more multi-faceted than she thought.

It unnerved her to see him in such a different light.

"Now, add the boomslang skin," Snape said, referring to the dry, almost leather like strips that sat on the table. One section of the large work table was completely devoted to different herbs and ingredients. The whole table itself was rather cluttered. It was covered in vials, jars, cauldrons, and books. The odd thing was, neither one of them seemed to have trouble finding anything. As cluttered as it was there was a sense of organization.

"After that –," he stopped and she saw the slightest twitch of the muscle in his jaw. His face seemed suddenly pale. Paler than usual anyway. Hermione wondered what was wrong. She was getting a little bit sore. Bending over the cauldrons and the endless stirring did make her arms hurt after awhile.

"I have to go," he said simply. There was something in his voice that spoke of urgency, danger, it made her insides fill up with panic. Hermione knew what it was. Deep down she knew. She told herself that she was wrong, that it wasn't happening. She could feel the fear bubbling up inside her just at the thought. She got that familiar queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she thought about it. About them.

About Death Eaters.

She swallowed hard.

There had to be some way to convince him to stay.

"You can't just go. What about the –,"

"If Dumbledore comes back tonight tell him I had to go. If he doesn't show up by morning, owl him. For the potion, add the skin, stir..." he stopped, his teeth clenched. Hermione could see sweat forming on his brow. She wanted to do something to fix it. He had worked so hard to make her better and she was helpless. There was nothing that she could do. There was no way to save him.

"Stir the potion three times in a clockwise direction and let it simmer over night. I must go." He turned and walked out of the laboratory and into his private chambers. She followed him, her hands sweating, her mouth dry. She kept telling herself not to panic. She had to stay calm, she had to think clearly.

"You're going to a Death Eater meeting aren't you?" It was more an accusation than a question. She couldn't help the hostility for a multitude of reasons. One, the fact that he was going to participate in Death Eather activities, and two, he was leaving her all alone. She watched as he started digging through his drawers and he pulled out a bundle of black material.

"You can't go," Hermione protested. "I don't want... I'll be alone," she said trying to keep her voice from trembling. She failed miserably. The idea of being alone in the large castle terrified her more than she was willing to admit. Nothing would stand between her and Lucius. Nothing but stone walls. She needed more than that.

Snape turned and looked at her, any understanding he might of felt masked by the pain on his face. He was holding his arm close to his chest.

"If I'm not there within twenty minutes I'll pass out from the pain. You will be fine. The castle has it's own protections."

'But you won't be fine,' she wanted to tell him. He could be tortured... or worse.

He read the concern on her face.

"This is a part of my life. I've accepted it. Remember to owl Dumbledore if I'm not back by morning." He put on a dark cloak and Hermione turned away, unable to look as he tied the mask around his face.

The mask..

Hermione suddenly wondered if he had been there, in the chamber after they had brought her in. She was astonished at how it hadn't occurred to her to even wonder about it. Things began to fall into place. That's how they had known where she was. Snape had been there, he'd had to have been. He had watched as she cried, as she writhed on the ground in the most excruciating pain.

It was hard to breathe.

Any concern she felt for him melted away in the wake of furious anger. He had done nothing to stop it. He could've saved her.

Hermione turned, ready to lash out, only to find that he was gone, the door laying wide open. She ran out of the room and down the hallway, up the stairs to the main floor and then down a long corridor. The Great Doors were opened and she could barely see him as he made his way through the darkness to the gate. She wanted to follow him, to make him stay and face her but her feet wouldn't move. She heard the gate open and close and then he was gone.

For a moment she hated him.

Hermione turned around and did the only thing that she could do that would keep her sane. She went back the laboratory added the boomslang skin and stirred it three times.


	9. Turnabout

Hermione sat on the cold stone. Waiting. Watching. The sun hadn't yet risen and still she waited. Snape had told her to owl Dumbledore if he wasn't back. That had been hours ago. What if he was dead? She shivered at the thought, at the memory of the pain that had almost killed her. She didn't want to imagine anyone else experiencing that. She wasn't even sure she could imagine it. She could just see the light on the horizon. Something was wrong. He wasn't back yet. He should've been back by now.

She got up off the steps and made the long trek to the gate hoping that somehow he would appear. It seemed that her wish had been granted. Hidden in shadows was a figure dressed in black, wearing a mask, laying in the grass.

"Professor? Professor Snape?" No response.

Was this a trick? Was it a trap to get her to leave the grounds so that they could take her again. Images flashed through her mind. What if they had killed him? He might've told them where she was. He might be laying there dead but they might be lurking in the shadows. She stood on the other side of the gate looking helplessly at him. What if it wasn't even him but Lucius? Ready to grab her the minute she went to him?

What was she supposed to do?

Hermione wanted to run back to the castle and owl Dumbledore. He could take care of this. He could fix it. Help Snape, keep her safe. She turned to go back to the castle but something inside stopped her and she turned back. She couldn't leave him. Not like this. But what if it wasn't even him?

He might need her.

Her hands touched the bars on the gate and she pulled hard trying to open them. There was no visible lock that she could see. She tried pushing and still they wouldn't budge.

"Professor?" she tried again, hoping for some sort of response. There wasn't one. He was still unmoving. Any of the anger that she felt over the revelation that he might have been there to witness her torture faded. She just wanted him to be alive. She didn't want to be left here alone.

Hermione began to panic. She wasn't safe here alone. Something could happen. Something would happen and there would be no one to hear her scream. She felt her heart pounding dangerously in her chest. He was dead and she was alone and they were coming to get her. But what if he wasn't? She needed to help him if she could but there was no way to get out. She had no wand, no broom, no anything. She grabbed the bars and shook them.

"Open. Open. Open!" That apparently seemed to do it because as soon as the words left her lips there was a click and then the gate opened a fraction. Part of her wanted it to close again. Hogwarts was vulnerable now. She was vulnerable. She glanced towards Snape willing her fear down. She was a Gryffindor and there were very few things that truly terrified her but lately it seemed like terror was the only thing that she felt.

She took a deep breath.

Hermione pushed the gates open a fraction and scrambled over to him.

He was still and laying on his stomach. She couldn't tell if he was breathing.

"Please don't be dead," she said aloud as her eyes frantically took in the surroundings looking for any sign that she was being watched. That Lucius Malfoy was waiting for his chance to inflict her with more pain. Her fear was almost paralyzing. She turned her attention back to Snape. She was afraid to touch him. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want confirmation that he wasn't alive.

He was still wearing the Death Eater mask and she was so loathe to touch it. Part of her was convinced that if she removed it she would see a face other than Snape's. She was so scared but she made her hand move. She reached out and with a motion so quick that it surprised even her she pulled it, exposing part of his face.

Snape's face.

Hermione was sure that she stopped breathing. She rolled him over and then fully took the mask off and knocked it aside. His face was pale and his lip was bleeding. She couldn't tell what the extent of his injuries were. His clothing wasn't soaked with blood, she supposed that was a good sign.

She rummaged through his pockets looking for his wand. Every second that she was away from the safety of the enclosed gates of Hogwarts was another second that she felt like she was going to pass out from the panic. Finally she found it in one of his inside pockets. It had been about two weeks since she had last seen her own wand. She wasn't sure that she would be able to use his. Using another wizard's wand was a very rude thing to do, especially without asking first. She held his wand and then pointed it at him, hoping that it wouldn't backfire.

Hermione almost felt like she was holding a wand for the first time. Magic wouldn't fail her. She could do this. A deep breath and a bit of concentration. That's all she needed.

"_Mobilicorpus_," she said pointing his wand right at him. His body slowly lifted off of the ground and hovered there for a moment. She took another deep breath trying to stop the flood of memories. The only thing that she could see was Lucius Malfoy pointing her precious wand at her. For seven years she had held that wand close to her. Cherished it, treasured it, it had become an extension of herself and he had used that against her. To hurt her. The loss of that hurt her more than the cruciatus curse ever could.

With determination that she didn't know she possessed she slowly pointed the wand ahead of her and watched as his body slowly floated towards the gate. She was still terrified of something lurking in the shadows and as they reached the safety of the grounds the gates slammed shut on their own. The sound made her jump. Hermione grabbed the gates and pushed and pulled but they seemed to be locked tight.

Feeling a sense of normalcy and security return she assessed the situation. She needed to get him inside the castle where she could figure out what was wrong with him. He was still breathing and still alive. That was all that mattered. She wondered which would be better, the infirmary or his private chambers. She chose his own chambers due to their closeness and proceeded to lead her Professor's unconscious body inside the castle.

Once she got him to his room, with a flick of the wand, she laid him on his bed. His room looked like an exact replica of her Head Girl room except for the fact that it was decorated in Slytherin colors. It calmed her to be in semi-familiar surroundings. She was glad that she could finally let go of his wand. It felt strange using someone else's. It just felt wrong in her hand, yet at the same time it felt so good to use magic again. She had forgotten what it felt like.

Snape still wasn't moving and Hermione looked at him wondering what she should do next. His breathing wasn't as shallow as it had been and that put her mind at ease a little bit. She removed his black robes and found that he was wearing a black shirt and black pants, completely unsurprising. She felt too uncomfortable to undress him so instead she lifted up his shirt, searching for any wounds. He looked in perfect health. The only thing that she could discern that was wrong with him was his bloodied lip. Well that at least was something she was capable of taking care of.

Hermione made her way up to the owlery and sent a letter to Dumbledore quickly explaining what had happened. She then went down to the infirmary and raided the cabinets. She found a wound cleaning solution and a healing paste and then she looked for something that might revive him. She found a potion that, according to the directions, looked like it would do the trick. She went back to Snape's room and found him sleeping soundly.

Hermione pushed one of the arm chairs next to his bed and sat down. She took a cloth and dabbed a bit of the solution to his lip. She figured it would be easier to tend to him if he wasn't awake and chastising her for everything that she was doing. After all, it was the least that she could do. He had looked after her and it was only fair that she returned the favor. She would talk to him later about her suspicions. Maybe she had been wrong. Perhaps they had found out where she was by some other means and Snape hadn't been the one to rescue her. It would explain why he had stayed here with her and watched over her.

Something grabbed her and Hermione looked down to see that Snape was awake, his hand wrapped around her wrist and his eyes looking around in what almost looked like fear.

"It's alright. You're alright."

* * *

Severus resisted the urge to flee as he tried to banish the grogginess of his thoughts. Everything was jumbled up in his mind. He didn't know where he was or what had happened. It was all a blur. He remembered a Death Eater meeting and a chamber, one different from the one they had been in last time. He remembered Lord Voldemort, weakened and furious beyond belief. Something had happened to him, he had been wounded, almost killed, and it had been Hermione Granger's fault. No one knew what had happened but Voldemort's current obsession was the capture and death of Miss Granger. Even the destruction of Harry Potter had been pushed to the back burner.

Try as he might he couldn't understand it. He recalled the night that he had rescued her, how Voldemort had been writhing on the floor. He hadn't stopped to question what had happened, he'd just been thankful that he had been able to escape with her. Now he needed to know what had happened to her in the time between her torture and her rescue. Whatever it was it held the key to discovering the Dark Lord's rage.

Voldemort had tortured and interrogated each and every one of them last night. Curses had flown through the small chamber. Accusations had been made. Accusations against him. He was always an easy target, "Dumbledore's Little Pet". He had been one of those that had endured the worst of the torture. He hadn't caved, hadn't even come close. It pleased him that he had taken the pain like he had. Each time he was tortured it made him feel worthy. If he endured all of that pain for a good cause then maybe he wasn't the horrible person that he sometimes thought he was. He wasn't wasted, his life wasn't wasted.

His last memory was apparating to Hogsmeade, how he got into his bed he had no idea. Severus looked up and realized that Miss Granger was looking down at him with a puzzled look. He realized that he was still holding onto her. He quickly let go feeling awkward. She sat back in the chair and he sat up, wincing at the pain of his insides. He'd forgotten half the curses that had been thrown at him last night but they had definitely taken a toll on his body. He looked down at the cloth that she was holding and the small amount of blood that was on it. His blood? She seemed to see the question in his eyes.

"It's just your lip. It was bleeding. Here," she reached forward with the cloth and he winced a little bit as it touched the broken skin. He looked up at her feeling quite confused. He had never been taken care of like this. He didn't need to be taken care of, never had been. Severus let her tend to his lip and when she was finished she looked at him, a serious look in her eyes.

"Are you alright?" she asked and he was surprised to see that there was real concern in her voice. He didn't know why that surprised him, he had felt just as much concern for her when she had been laying up in her room, mentally and physically wounded.

"I'll be fine," Severus said trying to give her what he hoped was a comforting smile. It made his lip throb. There was a moment of silence and then they both talked at once.

"Where you in the chamber while I was being tortured?"

"What happened in the chamber after you were tortured?"

There was silence.

He pondered her question. He had been waiting for her to ask and he had wondered why she hadn't. Maybe she hadn't wanted to know. Maybe she didn't care. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to her. From the look on her face he deduced that it was the latter. He couldn't help but give her an honest answer.

"Yes. I was."

The look on her face almost broke him inside.


	10. Truth

Hermione looked at Snape, her worst fears confirmed. She felt utterly betrayed. So he had been there? He had watched as they'd brought her into the chamber, naked, and tortured her until she thought she'd go mad. He had seen all of it and he hadn't stopped them. He had not put her out of her misery. The logical part of her brain told her that in the end he had saved her. Not soon enough though. It hadn't been soon enough. She wanted to run from the room but she couldn't make her body move. If only she could go up to her room and lock herself away. Away from him and away from the memories.

He was looking at her and she looked back. He actually looked upset. She wondered what he was thinking. What he wanted her to say. It was so hard to organize her thoughts let alone form them into words. She began with the only question that she could think of that wouldn't reduce her to tears just by asking it.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't know how. I couldn't find the right time."

Simple. To the point. Of course, that was Snape's way. Hermione collapsed back in the chair and put a hand over her face. She was mentally telling herself to deal with this and not to run away. She wanted to be thankful to him for saving her. She really did, but she was angry at the same time. If he just would have been a little earlier. Spared her the memory of what Lucius had done to her. Then she could've been thankful. That moment that Lucius had climbed on top of her was the moment that everything had been destroyed.

Why hadn't he saved her sooner?

"I'm sorry."

He was sorry? Sorry didn't make it go away. Sorry didn't erase the memory of being violated in the worst way possible. Sorry didn't help her sleep at night.

"What were you thinking when you saw them bring me into the chamber? How could you have left me there? You let everyone believe that you are this noble man that is trying to atone for his past mistakes but you left me there! You left me there to be tortured!" She was trying to keep her voice level but having a hard time of it. She was trying to keep her tears at bay but that wasn't working either. There was so much pain that had built up inside of her and she just wanted it to go away. She had to have someone to blame.

"I did what I had to do to keep the both of us alive. If I thought that I would've been able to save you then I would have but I couldn't. We were in a room full of Death Eaters. I had no choice but to wait. I wish things could have happened differently." He was speaking softly and she wanted to tell him that she didn't believe him but she did. It almost looked like there were tears in his eyes. Hermione knew that he had done his best. It still just infuriated her that someone hadn't been able to do something sooner.

"Wishing didn't stop Lucius from torturing and raping me. Wishing doesn't make any of it go away. I've tried. I want so much to make this all go away." Her heart sunk as she realized what she had said, what she had admitted to him. She had never wanted to admit that to anyone. That had been a secret that she was going to take to her grave. That shame was something that she couldn't bare having another person know.

Now he knew. It wasn't a secret anymore.

She couldn't stay here. She had to leave.

Hermione got up out of the chair, trying to see through the veil of tears. She made it to the door when she felt his hand on her arm. She felt him pulling her to him and she didn't resist. She buried her head in his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. It had been so long since someone had hugged her. She didn't want to pull away. It was strange but she wanted his comfort. She wanted to know that she was still there, still alive, still substantial.

She wasn't sure how long he stood there holding her. She cried and for once since this whole ordeal it made her feel better and not worse. After awhile her sniffles were swallowed by yawns. She had forgotten that she had stayed up all night waiting for him. The emotional exhaustion wasn't helping her stay awake either. She just wanted to lay down and forget that any of this had happened. She wanted to let the fear and the anger fade away. Going up to her room was tempting but she didn't want to be alone.

For once she really didn't want to be alone.

"Would you like me to walk you up to your room?" Snape asked.

Hermione didn't want to go. Really she didn't, but at the same time she didn't want to be a bother to him. She already felt silly that he was standing here with his arms around her. Severus Snape was hugging her. Just that thought made her feel strange. She had never thought that he could be so comforting, yet here she was feeling marginally better.

"I really don't want to be alone." It took her a lot to admit that to him. She didn't like feel vulnerable, even though that was a constant state for her now a days.

"Would you like to stay here?" She couldn't see his face as he asked the question but she could imagine that he was annoyed. She didn't know what to do. Her pride told her to suck it up and go up to her room but everything else told her to let him reach out to her. It felt like she had spent all of this time carrying this gigantic emotional burden inside and she wanted to share it with someone.

"If you don't mind?" Hermione half expected him to say that he did.

"I don't mind. Why don't you lay down?" he said as he let go of her and moved towards the arm chair that she had been sitting in earlier. She felt bad for making him sleep in the chair. It was his room after all and he had just spent the night enduring what she didn't know.

"You should sleep in the bed. I can take the chair," she said not moving. He paid her no mind and sat down in the chair. Hermione felt bad but got into his bed anyway. It felt comfortable and it smelled like him. He always smelled like the potion's classroom, which just smelled odd. It was a mixture of things that she couldn't identify. Still, it wasn't an unpleasant smell.

Hermione laid on her side facing him. His eyes were closed but she could tell that he wasn't sleeping. She watched him for a few minutes wondering so many things about him. There were so many sides to him that sometimes she didn't know where to begin. One moment he was one thing to her and the next minute he was something else. A little while ago she had seen him as a betrayer and now she had to admit that she was grateful. She was very thankful for the fact that he had saved her. She would be dead without him.

"Professor?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

* * *

Severus watched over her as she slept. Honestly he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep but something was keeping him from it. He knew what it was. Guilt. A very familiar feeling. His stomach curdled again at the thought of what she had endured. So Lucius had raped her? He'd had his suspicions but he hadn't been able to ask her that. His fist clenched as he thought about what Malfoy had done. He wanted to punish him. How dare he lay a hand on Granger like that. How dare Voldemort allow it? He ran his hands over his face feeling older and more tired than usual.

He heard a noise and looked over to realize that she was snoring. Of it's own accord his face broke out into a small smile. She had endured so much and daily he found himself wanting to keep her safe and protected. He had always thought that she was so strong and so well put together. While most of her classmates had gone through the teenage angst and drama of figuring out who they were she had never seemed to question herself. He wished he had that kind of self confidence. What she had experienced had shaken that but he knew that the self-assured Gryffindor was in there somewhere. Hopefully this had been a small step in putting her back together.

She was a strange girl.

Not that strange was a bad thing. One minute he thought he had her figured out and the next minute he was just as confused as ever. Their conversation earlier had proved that. He had fully expected for her to be angry and to run up to her room and away from him. Instead she had faced her feelings. He understood why she was upset and truly he wished that he could have done more. Each accusation that she had made against him had cut to the bone. At one point, when she was asking him how he had left her to be tortured, he felt himself nearing tears. It had been so long since he had shed tears for someone other than himself. He supposed part of it was for himself. He didn't want to carry the guilt of what had happened to her but he did, and just as she couldn't erase the memories neither could he. He hoped that she understood that.

He wanted to tell her how the things he had done kept him up at night. How he never wanted to be noble, he just wanted to get to the place in his life where he finally felt like his good deeds outweighed the bad. He just wanted to sleep at night and not feel like the traitor he had spent the last almost two decades feeling like. However, he couldn't find the words to explain that to her.

Severus stretched out in the chair feeling his aching muscles protest. It felt like his whole body was bruised. He hoped that there wouldn't be another meeting in the near future. He wasn't sure his body could take it. He felt so old. He was tired of living this double life. Tired of the lies and the secrets and everything that went with them. There was the sound of the door opening and Snape looked up to see Dumbledore standing in the doorway, a perplexed look on his face.

"I must admit this isn't what I expected to see," he said glancing over at the sleeping woman in his bed. Severus felt himself almost blush. He sincerely hoped that the Headmaster was not getting the wrong idea about what was going on. He admired her intelligence, her strength, and her courage but that was as far as it went. At that moment a small part of his mind thought about the way she had clung to him earlier, the way his arms had wrapped around her. It had been so long since anyone had sought comfort in his arms like that. He had forgotten what it felt like to be wrapped around someone. He banished those thoughts and then turned his attention back to Dumbledore.

"There have been lots of unexpected happenings," he said dryly. Dumbledore moved close and Severus told him what had transpired at the Death Eater meeting and the revelations that had occurred when he had woken up here. As he told Dumbledore about the fact that Hermione had been sexually assaulted he could have sworn that the air in the room changed, the hair on his arms stood on end, but Dumbledore listened and remained seemingly calm.

"Why would Voldemort decide to come after Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked, deep in thought, after Severus had explained to him that she was apparentlya his new target.

"I have no clue," said Severus. "My only guess is that she has something he wants. I just haven't figured out what it is."


	11. Understanding

Hermione stirred and laid in bed for a moment as she remembered where she was. The events of earlier that night came back to her and she sighed sleepily. She was so tired of feeling the way that she was constantly feeling. She just wanted a little bit of peace. She just hoped that she would be able to find some eventually. She wanted to remember what it felt like to be Hermione Granger. It was getting harder and harder to remember who she had been. The thoughts and feelings that she had before all of this seemed strange to her. So much was different. She was so different. Maybe that wasn't entirely a bad thing. The process in which this transformation had happened was a bad thing, growing up, however, was inevitable.

She suddenly noticed something tickling her hand and she looked over to see Snape's head resting on the bed and partially on her hand. She imagined that he must be quite uncomfortable. He was still sitting in the chair but he had slumped forward so that his upper body was resting on the edge of the bed. His hair was surprisingly softer than one would think but it was still tickling her hand. She found herself smiling as she watched him sleep. He looked rather peaceful. She laid there for a few moments studying him and wondering random things about him. If he was as lonely as she sometimes felt. She allowed herself to think about his life and for the first time she realized how desolate it seemed. She couldn't imagine being so alone, with no friends, or no family.

Hermione had to admit that she didn't know very much about his private life. He might have friends and confidantes. She just couldn't imagine it. Dumbledore seemed to be the closest thing to a friend that he had. In that moment she felt very sorry for him. Earlier he had shown her a kindness that had surprised and confused her. She wanted to repay him for that. Somewhere between falling asleep and waking up she had forgiven him for whatever part he had played in the events that had transpired in the chamber. In truth, he was just as much a victim as she was. He had saved her from even more torture. Neither one of them could take back what had happened but he had saved her from what could have been far worse. He had stayed at the castle and looked after her when he really didn't have to. He had let her help him with his potion's project, and most of all, quite possibly most importantly, she got the sense that he understood her. At that moment he felt like the only one.

She moved her hand and she watched as he stirred and then woke up. Hermione looked at him and felt the urge to smile. The puzzlement in his eyes as he woke up looking at her was endearing. He seemed to have realized that he was a little bit too close to her so he moved away, leaning back in the chair.

"Good morning, or night. I'm not sure what time it is," Hermione said as she sat up in the bed.

Snape turned and pointed to a grandfather clock in the corner. It was six o'clock. It was hard to tell whether it was daytime or nighttime from the dungeons but she assumed they hadn't slept for nearly a full day so it was probably evening. She was getting rather hungry but she was also quite comfortable where she was. The room was cool and it made the contrast of being under the warm blankets that much nicer. Although she supposed it was rude not to give him his room, and his bed ,back.

Hermione looked over at him and found him watching her with a thoughtful look on his face.

"May I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Yes." Hermione wasn't looking forward to the question or giving an answer. Whenever Snape had something to ask her very rarely did it turn out to be something good.

"What happened in the chamber right before I appeared?" The look on his face was serious yet contemplative at the same time. She wondered why it mattered. She tried to think back to that night but her mind was protesting. She didn't want to remember, not even if she thought that he would understand. It felt like a barrier had come down between them earlier that morning. She didn't know if it was on her end or his. Something just felt different. It was a good different though. She forced her mind to skim through the memories, refusing to let it linger on any one thing.

"I remember Lucius." It was hard for her to admit that but she did. He knew the worse. There was nothing else worth keeping from him. "Afterwards I think I heard Voldemort speak maybe? Or was it Lucius? I don't remember. The last think that I recall is the smell of death and then everything after that is a blank. I woke up here at Hogwarts."

Snape seemed to be weighing her statement but whatever conclusions he was drawing he seemed content to keep to himself. She was content to let him.

It was time to move on.

* * *

Severus watched her and again it occurred to him how strange it was to have someone else sitting in his bed. He wasn't sure that had ever happened before and it was unnerving him for some reason. This was a sort of sacred space to him and that he had let her in made him feel odd inside. She did that to him quite a bit. One moment he cared and the next he didn't. One moment he wanted to stay at Hogwarts and look after her and the next he was ready to ship her off to St. Mungos. She constantly made him second guess himself and it drove him insane. Anyway, he believed her. He wasn't sure why but he did. The mystery of Voldemort's sudden interest in her was simply going to remain a mystery just a little longer. If she couldn't tell him what had happened he would have to find a way to discover it on his own.

"Would you like to go down to the Great Hall for dinner?" he asked. Food would definitely make him feel a little better. His whole body was sore and he was not looking forward to moving from his post in the chair but it had to be done eventually.

"I am a bit hungry," she admitted.

"I'm going to get cleaned up and then I'll join you in a few minutes." He watched as she got out of the bed and then made her way across the room. She stopped as she reached the door and turned back towards him.

"Professor Snape?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"I just wanted you to know that I am grateful to you and Dumbledore for letting me stay here. I know I haven't spent much time saying it or showing it. This whole situation has... it's had my mind elsewhere but I would like you to know that I am very thankful for all that you have done for me." With that she disappeared out the door and left him with a thoughtful look on his face.

Severus had to admit that she'd just impressed him. She had spent this whole time being self-absorbed and blaming everyone for what had happened to her. Not that she didn't have that right. He fully understood that she wanted someone to blame for what had happened to her, unfortunately that blame frequently seemed to have fallen to him. He hoped that she was beginning to come to terms with what had happened. He still didn't know what he was supposed to do about her. As far as he was concerned she was ready to leave Hogwarts. The reason she was here in the first place was to make sure that she was physically and mentally well. Her physical wounds had healed two weeks ago. Mentally he believed that she was sound. She had worried him that first week but now she seemed better.

Perhaps it was time to send her to the Weasley's at the Burrow. True, it might not be safest place for her if Voldemort really was after her, and it seemed that he was, but she couldn't stay with him in the castle for the rest of the summer. Perhaps Grimwauld Place would suffice until they could figure out what it was that Voldemort wanted from her.

With quite a bit of moaning and groaning Severus got up from his chair and made his way to the restroom. He looked in the mirror and ran his fingers through his hair. The only evidence left from his injured lip was a small cut that was already nearly healed. After a quick shower Severus dressed in clean robes, grabbed a packet of herbs, and then made his way down to the Great Hall.

Hermione hadn't made it down yet so he assumed that she had decided to get cleaned up as well. There was an issue of the Daily Prophet sitting at the table so Severus grabbed it and skimmed through it. There was nothing of extreme interest but he entertained himself by reading a few articles. He heard footsteps and he looked up to see that she had entered the Hall. She walked over to the table and sat down across from him. Summoned by their presence, food appeared on the table before them.

The first thing Severus grabbed was a tea cup that he filled with hot water. He then took the packet of herbs that he had put in his pocket and emptied the contents into the cup. With four painful gulps the concoction disappeared down his throat. His face must have showed how unpleasant it had tasted.

"What was that?" Hermione asked as she looked at him worriedly.

"Just something to ease the pain. I'm a little sore."

"Well, if you would have taken the bed like I had suggested..."

"I was trying to be a gentleman," he said dryly.

"I appreciate it. I don't think I've ever had a man share his bed with me." Severus felt his face going red. He suddenly felt very awkward and he didn't quite know what to say.

"I've been thinking about something so I thought I would bring it up," she said as she poured herself a glass of juice and took a sip.

"Yes?" Severus asked wondering what it could be. He was wondering if she wanted to leave. He wouldn't really blame her. There wasn't much to do here at the castle when school wasn't in session. Truthfully it had to be boring for her. She probably missed her friends and he couldn't fault her for that.

"I miss my wand. At first I thought that I never wanted to have one again, not after what happened, but it's become such an extension of who I am. I feel incomplete without it. So, I was hoping that tomorrow we could go to Diagon Alley so that I can get a new one."

Severus could tell that it was taking a lot for her to ask. He didn't know if it was because she felt as if she was imposing on him or she was afraid to actually leave the safety of Hogwarts. Either way it was too much of a risk to let her leave. At least until he found out why Voldemort wanted her.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that's possible at the moment," he said as he piled food into his mouth. He was hoping that she would let that be the end of it but he knew better. This _was_ Hermione Granger.

"Why isn't it possible? I've been stuck here for two weeks. Not that I dislike it here, but it would be nice to get out for an afternoon."

"It's not possible."

"Can I have a reason?"

Severus sighed, seeing no other way around it but to tell her the truth.

"Because the Dark Lord has taken an interest in you since you escaped him and is intent on finding you. At this moment you are at the top of his list, even above Potter."

"Why? Why does he want me?"

"I have no idea."

Hermione looked at him and he could see her processing it, see the fear in her eyes. He wished that he had put it more gently. She was silent for the rest of the meal and he kept trying to think up points of conversation, each time he failed, so he accepted the silence and finished his meal. When he was done he got up, intent on going back to his room for a nap in his bed.

"I have an idea," she said before he could get more than a foot away from the table.

* * *

Please, please, review! This story has the highest hits of any of my others yet has the smallest amount of reviews. Let me know that you like it and I'll love you all the days.


	12. Plans

"Absolutely not."

"It will work. I know it will work," Hermione said from her perch on a stool in his laboratory. She had pestered Snape all the way down to the laboratory and now, a few hours later, she still hadn't given up. Once Hermione Granger got a good idea she stuck to it until her means were achieved.

"It's not safe." This had to be the hundredth time he'd told her that. "Will you hand me the knot grass?"

Hermione picked up the knotgrass from the orderly lines of ingredients laid out on the table and handed it to him. As he grabbed it their fingers touched. There was nothing extraordinary about that but for some reason the simple brush of his fingers against hers made her want to sigh. It was an odd sensation. Turning her mind back to the task at hand she resumed her argument.

"No one will know except you and I. There are a million ways that I can disguise myself. Invisibility elxir, polyjuice potion, a glamour spell, Disillusionment Charm, the Fidelius Charm, even an aging potion might work. No one would recognize me if I looked like I was eighty years old. We could pretend that I was some aging relative that you were taking to Diagon Alley on a little outing." She swore his mouth twitched in a smile.

"No."

Did he have to be so _final_?

Hermione sighed in exasperation. She was determined to get herself a wand and get away from the castle, if only for the afternoon, and he was going to take her. She was quite set on this course of action. Deep down she knew why she wanted this so badly. It gave her something else to think about. Something other than what Snape had told her at dinner. She was trying so hard not to let her fear paralyze her but every time she thought about how at that very moment they might be lurking in the shadows, ready to take her again, she felt her insides twist up.

Hermione knew that going to Diagon Alley was dangerous but in her head it was a sort of act of defiance. She needed to prove to herself that Voldemort didn't have control of her. Harry hadn't spent his whole life in hiding and she wasn't going to either. Besides, part of her was comforted by the fact that she would be around lots of people. There was safety in numbers.

If she really wanted safety she could go to Grimwauld place. She kept telling herself that but she still wasn't ready to be around anyone she knew personally. She wanted to be sure that she was really alright and ready for that. There was just something deep inside of her that was worried that if she saw anyone, Harry and Ron especially, she might break down. They might just look at her and know that she wasn't the same as she used to be. They might not love who she was now.

It was a silly fear of course.

It was still the one thing she wasn't ready to face. Hermione looked at Snape and from what she could see he wasn't going to be giving into her anytime soon. They had come down to the laboratory to check on the progress of the Wolfsbane-hybrid potion. Everything was setting and simmering and boiling the way it was supposed to now. There was really nothing that they could for the next few days so as Snape sat leaning against the table she sat on the stool watching him.

Maybe she should change tactics. Make him understand her point of view in a round-a-bout way. She wasn't very sure on how to go about doing that. There wasn't much she knew about her former professor and if there was one thing she did know about him it was that he was very stubborn and set in his ways. Well she could be stubborn too. Gryffindors had that trait.

"Do you usually stay at Hogwarts during the Summer holidays?" she asked, a little plan forming in her head. He had been stuck at the castle since the beginning of the last school year, a little over nine months, surely he was just as eager to get away as she was. If she could exploit that then maybe she could make him see that he wanted to get away as much as she did.

Hermione again, saw a small smile forming on his lips and she realized that he knew exactly where she was going with this line of conversation. The man was absolutely impossible.

"Usually I do go home for the Summer holidays, that or I spend my time at Grimwauld Place, it really just depends on which one is more convenient at any given point in time. You usually stay with the Weasley's don't you?"

Hermione wondered what he meant by that. Was he trying to encourage her to ask to leave? She wanted too, really she did, but Ron and Harry were there and that was out of the question for the moment. Still, it would be nice to see Mrs. Weasley. She was like a second mother to Hermione. Hermione missed her own mother. It had been so long since she'd seen her. She hadn't been home since last summer and that had only been for a week. That was why she had been determined to visit her parents this summer.

And then she had been attacked.

More time with her family ruined.

"Yes, I do. I like the Burrow. Do you have any family?" she asked. She could immediately see that this topic was making him uncomfortable but apparently he had decided to answer anyway.

"I was an only child and my parents are dead."

Again with the short answers. He was absolutely impossible.

"Where is your home?" she asked as she absently fidgeted with her necklace that had the Gryffindor crest charm dangling from it. She knew it was getting late but she didn't feel like sleeping just yet, after all, the both of them had slept the majority of the day. He seemed to be feeling better as well, the tea he'd had at dinner looked like it had helped.

"It's in Northern England."

Did the man ever say more than one sentence? Her whole time here she had wanted nothing more than for him to be silent and stop pestering her and now, when she actually felt like talking, he was being vague. That was Snape though, vagueness was what he did. Good or evil. Kind or hateful. Friend or Foe. Unattractive or handsome... she didn't know exactly how that last one got in there.

Looking at him now she had to admit that his face wasn't as bad as she used to believe. Yes his nose was large and hooked, and his skin was pale, and his hair looked greasy, although from what she remembered earlier it hadn't felt that way. All in all he wasn't completely unattractive. She had always found his eyes to be the most distasteful part of his face. They had always been so hard and cold and cruel. Lately she hadn't seen that. For the most part they had been anything but.

"Is there something I can help you with, Miss Granger?"

Hermione's face turned red as she realized that she must have been staring at him. He was looking at her with his arms crossed over his chest and a speculative gaze on his face. Yes, not very unattractive at all. She didn't know why she was bothering to analyze what he looked like. It was just one of those random thoughts that had popped into her head.

"No, nothing at all. I suppose I just lost my train of thought for a moment. Are you sure there is no possible way that we can go to Diagon Alley tomorrow. It won't take longer than an hour and then we can come right back."

"I'll think about it."

Hermione resisted the urge to sigh.

"Is that your way of saying 'Stop bothering me about it, the answer is still no, but I'm not going to tell you because you won't leave me alone,'?" Hermione asked.

"Perhaps. Is it going to work?" he said with a smile.

Hermione really wanted to throw something at him but she couldn't help but smile in return. It was nearly the middle of the night and she had run out of ideas on how to convince him that her idea was a good one. He'd come around eventually.

"It's late, I could use more sleep. Good night Miss Granger. I will see you at breakfast." With that he walked through the door to his private chambers and shut the door behind him.

He was an absolutely impossible man.

* * *

Severus laid down in his bed and after a moment he realized that something was different. His pillow smelled like her. He sighed deeply and rolled over, pulling his blanket over him. His room was pitch black. It was the only way he could even attempt to sleep soundly. He debated upon getting up and brewing a potion to help him sleep deeper but after everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours something told him that his sleep tonight might not be altogether unpleasant. If he could sleep the whole night without waking up more than once then he'd count it as a blessing.

Hermione had her heart set on going to Diagon Alley and he had to admit that he wanted to give in to her. The only thing that was stopping him was his worry for her safety. He didn't want to be responsible for anything bad happening to her. If he put her in danger by taking her there then he wouldn't ever forgive himself. She had grown to mean something to him and he didn't want to put her at risk. So the answer had to be no. It was hard for him to admit that he had been close to caving in. The way that she looked at him made him want to give her whatever she wanted.

He wasn't thrilled about that fact.

Severus spent a few minutes tossing and turning and then after a little while he drifted off to sleep... and he dreamed.

He was surrounded by Death Eaters. He wondered why they had all been called to this meeting. It was late and he wanted nothing more than to go back to Hogwarts and finish packing. It was the last day of the school year and all of the students at Hogwarts had gone home, it was time for him to do the same. Merlin he wanted it to be over already. Wanted the comfort and solitude of Spinner's End. He'd give anything to find that peace.

He could see Voldemort sitting in the middle of the room, covered in a cloak. It was silent. No one dared speak. The doors to the chamber opened and then he saw her.

She was completely naked. It was Hermione Granger.

In that moment he thought his heart stopped. How could this be happening? He watched as Lucius tortured her. He felt his nails sinking into the skin of his palms. Felt sweat drenching his body. What was he going to do? He stood there, silently watching her bravery as she refused to give Lucius what he wanted. He watched helplessly as they lead her away.

The scene in his mind changed.

Again he was in the room and he could feel the fury in the air. Almost taste it. He was waiting. Waiting for his name. For what might be his death.

"Severus, Severus, Severus." That lethal, mocking, voice, calling his name. Each time he heard that voice he felt his stomach tie itself in knots. He wanted to be at Hogwarts, he wanted to be back with her. She had seemed so worried as he left her. He didn't want her to be alone. She was afraid to be alone. He was afraid to be alone.

Severus walked forward and the smell of death and decay hit him like a wave. Even after all these years he couldn't get use to it. He couldn't get used to the fear that always permeated his entire body. He made his mind blank, cleared his mind of everything. It was dangerous to have any thoughts around Voldemort, dangerous and possibly deadly. Finally he stood, standing right in front of Lucius and the Dark Lord.

Severus hit the floor before he could say a word.

The cruciatus curse tore through him like a thousand white hot knives. He did what he always did when this happened. He was no stranger to the cruciatus, Voldemort used it for interrogations and as a member of the Order Severus was interrogated more than most. Sometimes Voldemort would take him on his word, other times Voldemort made sure that he had initiative not to lie. Severus kept his mind clear and concentrated on the black, velvety, darkness behind his closed eyes. After a few seconds it was over.

"Do you have any knowledge of the whereabouts of one Hermione Granger?" It was Lucius Malfoy talking. Severus addressed his answer to Voldemort, as was proper protocol. He kept his eyes lowered in submission, not even daring to stare directly into the Dark Lord's eyes.

"No, my Lord." Again the pain shot through him, this time it was more intense and lasted longer. He was on his knees, doubled over in pain, all of his muscles taunt with tension.

"Did you have knowledge of her rescue before it happened?"

"No, my Lord." Again the pain.

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, my Lord."

"You may rise." Severus got up and the moment he straightened himself he was hit with the cruciatus again and back on the floor, accidentally biting his lip in the process. This time Voldemort spoke.

"Do not ever lie to me." Severus heard something and looked to his left to see Nagini slithering towards him, a hungry look in the large snake's eyes.

"Don't ever lie to me, Severus. We're done for now, get up. Yaxley, come forward..."

Severus woke up sweating and let the pitch black darkness of the room soothe him. After a few moments he fell back to sleep, the scent of her hair soothing him more than the darkness could.

* * *

I would like to thank dazedme, darkness is my only light, Mother of Tears, notwritten, tefy, Eden Snape, NairobiDawn, Sonseeahray, and Miss-Fleur-Riddle for their comments on last week's chapter. I would also like to thank each and every one of you that has reviewed this story so far. I write for you and you make it so fun! I hope you enjoyed and please leave any feedback, I so very much appreciate it.


	13. Wands

Hermione was in the Great Hall eating breakfast. She had woken up an hour or two ago and as far as she knew Snape was still sleeping. She supposed that was a good thing, yesterday had been hard on the both of them. Every day it felt like she was getting better and making progress. Yesterday had been no exception. Part of her still felt awkward for admitting to Snape what had really happened in that room with Lucius but at the same time it had helped to let someone else carry the burden with her. She no longer had that deep dark secret that was tearing her apart. It was still inside of her, waiting in a shadow of despair, but she refused to let herself ponder it. It had happened and it was over and there was no use in thinking about it anymore. She could move on and stop letting him have control over her.

She so desperately wished that was true.

Hermione firmly believed that were it not for the fact that Voldemort was currently looking for her she would be taking the first steps to moving on. The knowledge that at any moment she could be captured and taken back there was weighing heavily on her mind and stopping her from being free of the fear. She didn't blame Snape. She was actually happy that he had told her, even though it was causing her large amounts of stress. She didn't want to feel coddled like a child. This was her life and she had to feel like she had some sort of control over it. She supposed that he had been forced to tell her to keep her from wanting to leave the castle but she liked to think that he would have told her anyway.

"Good morning."

Hermione looked up from her breakfast to see Snape standing on the other side of the table. She hadn't even heard him come into the Hall. He looked very well rested and she was happy not to see dark circles under his eyes. She smiled to herself, wondering when their roles had reversed and she had started thinking of him as her patient.

"Good morning," She said as he sat down across from her and started piling food onto his plate. She was also pleased to see that he had an appetite. She was pondering when she should broach the subject of getting out of the castle. She had laid in bed all night thinking about it and wanting to go, only for an hour or two. Her independence needed to be asserted. Even if she was in disguise she had to know that she wasn't afraid. Hermione remained silent as he ate, not wanting to interrupt him in the middle of his breakfast.

"I was thinking that perhaps a trip to Diagon Alley might not be out of the question later today," Snape said as he finished his breakfast. Hermione could scarcely believe what he had just said. Did he really mean it? She was half tempted to launch herself across the table and hug him. She erased that thought, this was Professor Snape that she was thinking about after all.

"I've owled Ollivander and asked him to shut down his shop for a few hours this afternoon. That way there should be little chance of us being interrupted or anyone finding out who you are. I will be in disguise as well but you are the one I am worried about. If someone were to discover my real identity it can be easily explained. You on the other hand, you must take every precaution."

Hermione nodded. She had no intention of being reckless. She didn't want to boldly announce her presence to everyone in Diagon Alley, she just wanted to have her wand back, or a wand back, one that belonged to her. She'd do anything. "Just tell me what the plan is and I'll do it," she said excitedly.

Hermione followed Snape up to the Headmaster's office. Apparently, during the summer, his fireplace was the only one in Hogwarts connected to the Floo Network and they were going to Diagon Alley that way. According to Snape it wasn't the safest of all venues because their path could be traced but he was hoping that there was no one on the Dark Lord's side who worked in the Department of Magical Transportation. Both she and Snape were disguised by charms that made their faces look entirely different.

Hermione looked as if she was in her late thirties. She had a large nose and her hair was brown and stringy. She was definitely sure that she could be considered a hag. She didn't really mind all that much. Her stomach was feeling a little queasy but she supposed that nerves were to be expected. It had been about two weeks since she'd been away from Hogwarts. She always got this feeling when she was leaving to go home for the holidays as well.

She glanced over at Snape as the stairs to Dumbledore's office slowly started moving upwards. Snape looked worse than she did. His fact was pockmarked and he had a strange little mustache. He was balding and looked about as old as she did. It was strange seeing him without his black hair and his large nose. Looking at him now she was surprised to realize that those were the two features she missed most.

They entered the office and it was empty. Hermione had always loved Dumbledore's office. There was always something to look at. She noticed that one of the figures in one of the portraits was behaving oddly. She walked a little bit closed and saw a man with long, dark, hair and beard doing an Irish jig.

"Who's this?" asked Hermione. She had been in the Headmaster's office several times and she had never seen this particular Headmaster's portrait. He looked a little bit insane. He was wearing a very odd robe that looked like it had been made out of muggle curtains. It was an unattractive yellow color with different types of fruits plastered all over it.

"Ah, that would be Erificus Fruit, a Headmaster during the late 1800s. I am surprised to see him here. He generally gets lost for years at a time. He once caused quite a commotion when he appeared in the portrait of Mona Lisa while it was hanging in the Musée du Louvre in Paris, France. It took the Ministry a week to smooth it over," Snape explained as the figure in the portrait stopped, stuck his tongue out at them and then continued to dance.

"What happened to him?" Hermione asked. She found the story amusing but she was quite curious as to why a Headmaster would behave like that.

"Befuddlement charms I'm afraid. He was blasted by several of them at once. He died quite insane."

Hermione watched him a few moments longer and then decided that they ought to get going. Part of her was stalling because honestly she was a little bit scared. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach but she wasn't about to tell Snape that. She was a Gryffindor and she was brave and she was not about to make herself look like a coward in front of her Professor. They stepped into the fireplace and Hermione was surprised when he reached down and grabbed her hand. The world began to spin and before she knew it they were at the Leaky Cauldron. She resisted the urge to pull the cloak of her hood down over her face as panic began to rise up in her.

'I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright,' she said to herself. The Leaky Cauldron was not extremely busy but the sight of so many people set her on edge. She had gotten use to seeing only Snape's face and occasionally Dumbledore's. She felt very much out of place. Snape lead her to the wall behind the Leaky Cauldron, tapped the bricks and then it opened up to reveal Diagon Alley.

Hermione felt Snape hook his arm with hers as they began to walk down the street. Being close to him helped her feel a little bit more calm and she managed a smile.

"Relax, everything is fine," he whispered to her as he gave her arm a comforting squeeze. She didn't know how he could read her so well but she was thankful for it. Taking a deep breath they walked away together, arm in arm.

* * *

Severus looked at her hoping that she was going to be alright. A few minutes ago she had looked absolutely terrified but she seemed to be getting more comfortable. It was strange seeing her with this odd face that wasn't hers. It didn't fit her at all and he found himself wishing that it would go away. Her real face was so much more pleasant to look at. He steered them towards Gringotts. He was planning to pay for her wand personally, as he felt a bit of guilt as to why she didn't have one.

They walked inside and he pulled her towards one of the shorter lines. He hoped that she didn't mind that their arms were hooked. It had been his awkward attempt at trying to get into character as husband and wife. He hoped that no one would question why he looked as he did and was pulling out gold from Severus Snape's vault. He didn't think that it would be much of a problem, he had the key to his vault and there were anti-theft charms. If anyone intended to take the money and not give it to him it would stop them from leaving the vault and as he was Severus Snape, the magic would recognize that and allow him to leave unscathed.

They walked up to the Goblin sitting behind the counter. He gave them a sour look, as Goblins usually did, and then in a terse voice he said, "How may I be of assistance?"

"We would like to withdraw money from a vault," Snape said, trying not to sound like himself. He knew that he had a rather distinctive voice and he was trying his hardest to make it sound a bit lighter and less polished.

"And the vault name?"

"Granger."

"Snape."

Severus looked at her not believing that she had been stupid enough to say that out loud. Did it really not occur to her that getting money from her own vault might be dangerous? He resisted the urge to look behind him and see if anyone heard, that would only make him look suspicious. He shot her a look and by the uncomfortable look on her face she seemed to have realized her mistake.

"Snape," he repeated firmly to the Goblin. They were led away towards one of the passages leading towards the vaults. Snape nonchalantly looked behind him and back to those that were still in the line that he and Hermione had been in. He didn't recognize anyone so he hoped the declaration of her name had remained unnoticed.

Ten minutes later they were leaving the bank and Snape had a few Galleons in his pocket. Still arm in arm with her they walked down the street towards Ollivander's. The door had a 'Closed for the day' sign on it and Snape knocked on the door. After a few moments it opened and they were ushered inside.

"Ah, Miss Granger, ten and three-fourth inches, vine wood, with a dragon heartstring and Mr. Snape, twelve and three-fourth inches, yew, and dragon heartstring. How delightful! What can I do for you?" Mr. Ollivander asked as he closed the door behind them.

Severus listened as Hermione explained that her wand had been taken and there was no way to reclaim it. She left out all of the important details which he was glad of. As soon as she was done telling her story Ollivander hopped to the task of finding her another wand. He started with one that was very similar to the one she had lost. She waved it and nothing happened. This happened with the three wands that she tried after that one. The fifth wand she tried sent the paperwork on Ollivander's desk flying into the air.

He didn't know how many wands that she'd tried an hour and a half later, but it was well over one hundred. None of them seemed to fit her. He was beginning to feel her frustration. Ollivander usually had a knack with picking out wands for people. He seemed to be getting frustrated as well. Severus hadn't wanted to stay more than a few hours and that time limit was quickly approaching. He didn't want to be the one to tell her that perhaps they should come back and try again another day.

Another forty minutes later and still no success. He wasn't sure that he'd ever heard of it taking so long for a wand to match with someone. Finally Ollivander seemed to have given up because he threw his arms up in his air.

"I'm sorry Miss Granger but I simply do not foresee you finding a wand today. The only thing that I can suggest is that you come back and try again at a later date. Or... well never mind," he said briskly.

"Never mind what?" Snape asked for her. She looked so disappointed that she was on the verge of tears. He felt badly for her, really he did. She had wanted so much to come here and get a wand and still she was without one.

"I usually don't suggest my competition, you see, but there's a Wizard, named Gregorovitch over in Bulgaria. Makes wands, can't say I recommend them but he might have what you are looking for. He's retired though, don't know what he has left, if anything. It's an idea."

Severus had no intention of traipsing across Europe to find her a wandmaker that didn't even make wands anymore. He thanked Ollivander for the advice and then he stood up from his perch on the stool. She looked so disheartened. It wasn't his fault though. If there was a practical way to get her wand he would do it. They would just have to come back in a week or two and see if perhaps things had changed.

They left the wand shop and on their way out Severus reached over and grabbed onto her Hermione's. Part of it was because he still intended for them to look like a couple and the other reason, one which he didn't feel like admitting, even to himself, was that he wanted to. She looked so sad. She seemed lost in thought as they traversed the streets. After a few minutes Severus felt an odd sensation on the back of his neck. He casually looked behind him and saw three figures wearing black cloaks. He told himself to think nothing of it but there was something that was telling him that perhaps something might be a bit wrong.

He picked up his pace, nearly dragging her along with him. He was trying not to feel paranoid but the feeling wouldn't go away. There was suddenly an influx of people on the street, Ministry workers were probably getting off of work for the day and Severus took that opportunity to pull her into the crowd and from there into an alley. He gently pushed her against the wall, and put his face near hers as if he was intending to kiss her.

"Do not be alarmed but I believe we might be being followed. If anything happens to me I need you to apparate yourself to Grimmauld Place or the Burrow. I know you don't have your license but I am sure you know how to do it. Under no circumstances must you go to Hogwarts. Do you understand?"

She didn't look like she understood. In fact she looked like he had just told her that he planned on murdering her. What to do? What to do? He needed to know if they were truly being followed. If they were and they knew who he was, then it was unsafe for them to apparate back to Hogwarts unless they could get to the Leaky Cauldron to floo there, but that was risky as well. He needed a plan and quickly.

Out of nowhere a flash of red streaked by him. They were using the stunning charm. Well that was answer enough for him. No time for a thought out plan now. He held her close and, with a thought they, disappeared.

* * *

As always, please review, they make me happy in the pants!


	14. Secrets

Hermione squeezed her eyes shut and held onto him for all that she was worth. They had stopped moving but she refused to open her eyes. She didn't care where they were, she just knew that she had no intention of letting go of him. Ever since that moment in the alley when he had told her that someone might be following them she had been completely paralyzed with fear. All of her nightmares coming true. Not completely. In her nightmares there was no one to save her. If she simply just held onto him and didn't let go then she would be okay and the bad dreams wouldn't exist.

"Miss Granger." Hermione held on tighter, her arms wrapped around his torso. He was real, and warm, and it chased away the thoughts of the cold floor. She would give anything not to ever go back to that room. Anything in the world, her life included. She was never going to go back.

"Hermione?" The gentle way that he said her name pulled at something inside of her. There was no panic, no fear, just her name. She loosened her grip a little bit and then looked up at him, only it wasn't him. She had a small moment of additional panic until she realized that it was because he was still wearing the spell that made him look like someone else.

"It's alright. We weren't followed. We're safe." Hermione concentrated on the wonderful, comforting tones of his voice. She had become so use to hearing it that it brought with it a sense of peace. Trusting that everything was indeed alright, she let go of him and then took a step back.

She then felt her heart plummet in her chest.

"I'm not staying here. I will not stay here," she said firmly as she took a few steps back.

"This is one of the safest places for you to be at the moment. Someone in Diagon Alley found out who you are, who I am. You don't just go shooting stunning charms at random people on the street. There are potentially Death Eaters waiting near Hogwarts to spot us. You will be safe here."

_You_ will be safe here. Not _we_ will be safe here. Did that mean that he was leaving her? She was not going to stay here to begin with and she certainly wasn't going to stay anywhere without him. She looked back at the Burrow and her heart ached. Besides Hogwarts no place had ever meant as much to her. All of friends were there, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, their wonderful, magical, house. She wanted so much to run up the hill and into that house and let everything fall back to normal.

She just couldn't. Not right now.

"_We_ have to leave," she said, the tone in her voice telling him not to argue. When it came down to staying at the Burrow or going into hiding from the Death Eaters then she would chose the unknown. That was less scary to her. She had a feeling that if she went in there she would suffocate on her own thoughts. She couldn't pretend to be the 'old' Hermione but she couldn't be who she was now. She didn't know who she was now and she wouldn't be able to stand seeing the concern in their eyes.

"_We_ are not leaving. There is nothing to be afraid of. You'll be safe here, you will be surrounded by people who only have your best interests at heart. There is no other place that you should be." Hermione took in what he was saying. Part of her knew that he was right, it was safer here, but without him... honestly... she didn't want to be without him.

Hermione wasn't sure why she felt that way, she just did. She trusted her friends with her life. There was no doubt about the lengths that they would go to for her. Or her for them. In the last few weeks Snape had come to mean something to her, something more than just a Professor, and while she knew that her friends would do anything for her, she wanted Snape to know that she would in turn do anything for him.

The implications of what had happened began to really occur to her. They had known that she was with him. That meant that Voldemort knew, or would know soon, that Snape was protecting her. When he didn't turn her over to them his life would be forfeit. He had been working undercover since Voldemort's return. Seven years of his work down the drain because she had wanted a wand.

What had she done?

Those weeks spent with him in the castle had changed things between them. Changed her feelings and the way she reacted to him. She had never imagined that she would think of Snape as a friend. She was beginning to wonder if it ended there. Hermione looked up at him. She wanted to see his face. His real face. If she was going to walk up that hill and try to recapture who she was then she wanted to say goodbye to the person that had made that possible. She wanted that much.

"Will you please remove the spell?" she asked, looking over at the Burrow and hoping that no one could see them. It was late afternoon and she was surprised that no one was outside. They were standing near the orchard so there were trees blocking her view of most of the house. She hoped that it would block their view of her and Snape as well.

Snape pulled out his wand, tapped himself on the head and then did the same to her. Instantly his real face appeared. He looked worried and she realized that she was worried _for_ him. Where was he going to go? What was he going to do? If Hogwarts wasn't safe then where was he going to stay?

Hermione asked him the same question that was floating through her head. Snape was quiet for a moment, as if he was debating upon whether to reveal information to her. Hermione hoped that he would confide in her. She wanted to know that he was alright and that he would be safe as well.

"Dumbledore and I came up with a plan a long time ago. I'm supposed to apparate to Grimmauld place and then inform Dumbledore of what happened. I suppose that is still the plan. Now I need you to go up to the Burrow and stay there until you hear from Dumbledore."

"No," Hermione said firmly. It wasn't just that she wanted to go with him. She needed to go with him. The more that she thought about it the more she realized that she couldn't leave him. They were in this together, had been since the night that he rescued her. She wasn't ready to let him go just yet. Their lives had become intertwined and letting go of him now would be letting go of another part of herself. She had lost so much already, she wasn't losing more.

"I want to go with you."

* * *

Severus looked over at her. She seemed to be quite set on the fact that she wasn't going to leave his side but he couldn't let her stay with him. He wanted her to, Merlin, did he want her to. He had spent the last few weeks with her and the thought of letting her out of his sight, even if she was in the care of those that would protect her, did not make him happy. It wasn't as if he thought that he could protect her better, it was just that it had become second nature for him to do so.

She still wasn't relenting. "I will be just as safe at Grimmauld Place, even more so there. I know that the Burrow has its own protections but there is no place that is protected more than Grimmauld. I know that I would be around my friends here but this isn't where I want to be. Not yet. Please take me with you."

How could he deny her? It was becoming increasingly impossible not to give her what she wanted, regardless of how much trouble it got him into. First, he had allowed her to stay at Hogwarts with him, then wand shopping, and still he couldn't deny her. He had his own reasons for wanting to keep her close as well. There were things that she didn't need to know and in a house as crowded as the Weasley's he wasn't sure that he could protect her from that knowledge.

Knowledge that might destroy her. She was strong, he knew that, but still, she wasn't ready. With a heavy sigh he motioned her forward. If she wasn't ready to see Potter and Weasley then so be it. He wasn't going to push her. Besides, with her with him it would be easier to find out exactly why the Dark Lord wanted her. They were still no closer to finding out what had happened in that chamber that had sent Voldemort into a wild rage.

Voldemort.

That name sent shivers through him. Everything was falling apart now. He couldn't go back to Hogwarts. This knowledge devastated him inside. He wasn't sure what Dumbledore's plans were but he was quite positive that should Voldemort still be at large at the beginning of this next school year then he wouldn't go back to teaching. It would be too dangerous. Was his career as a Professor over? He refused to ponder that, he couldn't.

Teaching was the only thing that had meant anything to him, that and seeking redemption for all of the horrible things he had done as a youth. For what had happened to Lily... He pushed those thoughts away. Now was not the time nor the place to start down the road of thinking about her. It never ended well. Severus pulled Hermione close and then apparated her to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. The building split apart revealing a door and Severus unlocked the spells that kept intruders out and then pushed her inside.

It was quiet and he wondered if anyone was there. It was the middle of the summer and the middle of the day, so he hoped there would be few, if any, Order members there. His wished proved to have come true. A quick sweep of the building revealed that the decrepit House Elf seemed to be the only creature inside. While he had looked around she had gone into the Dining Room and sat down at one of the tables. After he had grabbed a glass of water, and owled Dumbledore, he joined her.

They sat at the table in silence and Severus was glad for it. He needed time to sort out his thoughts and figure out what was to happen next. Their main priority was to keep Hermione safe and figure out this secret that she held about Voldemort. The first part was easy. If they made sure that she stayed here or at the Weasley's then she would be safe. The second part was the troublesome bit.

He would have to talk to Dumbledore about performing a spell that might unlock her memory. The only problem with that was he was afraid it might unlock more than she wanted to remember. He didn't want to cause her any additional trauma yet, at the same, it was extremely important that they know everything she knew. He felt bad for even entertaining the notion of something that might cause her harm. He told himself that he had to distance himself from his emotions. She did not matter, everything was a means to an end. The ends justified the means.

Looking over at her from across the table he didn't believe that for one moment.

"I'm sorry, about everything." Severus looked up, wondering why she was apologizing. True, it had been her idea to go to Diagon Alley but he had relented to it. That had been his choice. She had no reason to apologize to him. He told her as much.

In truth he wanted someone to blame but couldn't bring himself to let it fall on her. He had gone through so much in the last several years in an attempt to bring Voldemort down and all of that work was crumbling. He had been trying to think of some way that he could work this situation to his advantage. Make it look like he had captured her. There was still the rather big problem of not being able to hand her over.

Even if he could go to Voldemort and say that he had found and captured her there was still an explanation as to why they had been in Diagon Alley. He might be able to come up with a convincing story about how whatever she had that the Dark Lord wanted was in her Gringott's vault, thus the trip to Diagon Alley before he turned her in. He could explain the reason he had taken her and apparated was that he wanted all of the glory of her capture to himself.

However, all of that was contingent on him actually handing her over. If he went to Voldemort with nothing but excuses, flimsy excuses at that, and no Hermione then he would be a dead man. He had a feeling that he was already a dead man. He heard a noise and he and Hermione turned to see Dumbledore standing in the doorway. Severus had to admit he was not looking forward to telling Dumbledore what had happened. The Headmaster hadn't expressly told him not to let her leave the castle but he had a feeling Dumbledore had simply assumed that he wasn't that foolish.

Severus watched as Dumbledore asked Hermione to leave the room and when she was out of sight he cast a spell that would stop all eavesdropping.

"Tell me what happened," Dumbledore said as he sat down.

Severus recounted the day's events and how he had attempted to procure her a wand. He told Dumbledore about how he had attempted to get her to stay at the Burrow but she had been adamant about coming with him. Dumbledore seemed to think that he had made the correct choice in taking her with them. They sat talking for more than an hour and soon their conversation turned back to her.

"Severus, I do think it's time that we tell her the truth. If you had left her with the Weasley's surely she would have found out sooner than later. It is better to tell her now than risk her overhearing someone talking about it or someone accidentally telling her. I believe it is time she knew."

"That Voldemort had her parents killed the day of her capture? No, she's not ready." In reality he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to reveal that he had kept something else from her for the last few weeks. He wasn't ready to see her in yet more pain.

* * *

This story is so close to having 100 reviews. That is so completely _awesome_. Have I told you all lately that you are the absolute best readers ever? Please review, it feeds my creativity and keeps these chapters coming! Enjoy the weekend! xoxo


	15. Feelings

Hermione laid on the bed, absently staring up at the ceiling. She was in one of the several bedrooms at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. This was the room that she had shared with Ginny during the summer between her fourth and fifth year. It made her both happy and sad to sit in there and reminisce about that summer. The secret meetings that the adults had held downstairs had made her want to become part of the Order. It had seemed so special and important. She had to admit that she hadn't completely comprehended the danger of it at that point. She fully realized what was at stake now. She didn't like it one bit.

Part of her was a little bitter over the fact that she and her friends had been introduced to this secret organization. All of them had so much knowledge about who was in the Order and what was going on. She didn't blame any of them really, it was just seventeen and eighteen year olds having such powerful, and potentially damaging, information wasn't good. The Death Eaters had taken her with the specific purpose of finding out information about the Order and she had almost given it to them.

Hermione had never had a feeling of such helplessness as she had in that room with Lucius and Voldemort. She had never tried harder to be brave and be strong. Like the Gryffindor that she was. Instinctively her hand traveled to the Gryffindor pendant that hung from a chain around her neck. Sometimes she was ashamed that she hadn't been braver. If Snape hadn't have showed up when he did they would have killed her. Where had her bravery been? She should have fought harder, or died trying. With a sigh she rolled over so that she was on her stomach. It was far too early to sleep but she didn't see the harm in trying.

Sometimes it was better to be asleep than awake.

She again wondered what Snape and Dumbledore were talking about. Not that either one of them would probably tell her. Her former Potions Professor was such a mystery to her. There were so many things about him that just contradicted themselves. He was a contradiction. Her feelings for him were a contradiction. She had spent the last several years if not hating him then severely disliking him. Her last year at Hogwarts when he had helped her in Advanced Potions had softened that dislike. Now the scales had tipped once more.

Hermione supposed some of what she felt was gratefulness. He had done so much for her these last few weeks. He had taken care of her and looked over her. Entertained her and occupied her. Those were things that she had no end of appreciation for. She realized what an important role he had played in helping her to feel better and she was thankful for that. However, other things were beginning to creep up on her and those things she was having a hard time understanding.

She couldn't get him out of her head.

The way that he had pulled her close as they had apparated was branded into her mind. She told herself that it was the feeling of being safe and protected that she couldn't let go of. In reality it was the way that his arms had felt. So strong and gentle at the same time. She missed the smell of him. Her eyes closed and she listened to the silence of the house. It was interrupted by the sound of footsteps and Hermione instinctively knew that those steps were his.

The way that she anticipated him made her giddy inside. She had never been one to indulge in idle crushes, however, there was a first time for everything. She told herself that there wasn't anything wrong with developing a fondness for him. He was no longer her Professor. If anything, lately, he had become more of a friend.

She really liked that she could think of him as her friend.

Hermione heard a knock at the door and she sat up on the bed and told him that he could come in. He opened the door and stood in the doorway studying her. He didn't look happy and she supposed that really he had no reason to. He was now in hiding from Voldemort. Now stuck with her. She had spared a thought to wonder if maybe he had been trying to get her to stay at the Weasley's for more reasons than her safety. While she wanted to believe that he liked being around her, she almost thought that it was too much to ask of him. He had spent a long time despising her and her friends and just because those negative feelings had gone away on her end didn't mean that they had for him.

"Miss Granger-"

"Hermione," she interjected. She didn't know why but she wanted him to call her by her name. She liked the way that it sounded when he said it. She internally chastised herself. Both of their lives were in danger and she was worrying about what he called her. She knew that it was silly request but she hoped that he would understand. She also hoped that he didn't. How could she explain that she savored the sound of her voice saying his name? What would she do if he understood and knew how it made her feel?

"Hermione?" he asked perplexed.

She felt her face go red. "I just figured that we might as well be on a first name basis." Figured why? She had no clue. It had sounded like a good idea. The thought of calling him by his first name did appeal to her. Severus... just saying it in her head made her want to smile. Yes, she had truly gone insane. Not more than a few hours ago she had been fearing for their lives and now she wanted to call him Severus. Because it made her feel happy.

She was going completely mental.

He looked rather confused.

Now she really felt silly.

"Well... Hermione..." he sounded incredibly uncomfortable and she had to stop herself from cringing. "It's getting late and a few members of the Order should be arriving shortly for a meeting with Dumbledore. There's no one you are closely acquainted with but I thought it would be better if you stayed here in your room. The less people who know you are here the better." He stopped and for a moment she thought he was going to say something else but then the moment passed.

"I am getting a little hungry..." she said tentatively. She hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was already early evening. The adrenaline that she had felt earlier was finally subsiding and allow her to feel normal things again, like tiredness ad hunger.

"I'll have something brought up to you," he said as he turned to go. She wanted to call him by name but couldn't bring herself to be so personal with him. He was still holding up walls against her. She could feel it and it made her sad, without her really knowing why.

"Would you mind eating with me? The quiet here is beginning to get on my nerves a little bit," she said with a smile. He simply nodded and then closed the door behind him. Hermione sat on the bed and stared at the door. She needed to talk to him again about what had happened earlier. While she had apologized and he had told her that there was no need to she still felt responsible for turning his life upside down.

A little voice inside of her head said he was doing his fair share of turning her life upside down as well.

* * *

Severus carried a tray holding two plates of food up the stairs to the room that he had found her in. He had resolved himself to telling her the truth about her parents. It wasn't going to be easy but as Dumbledore had said - it had to be done. Better done by him Dumbledore had said. Right. So that she could hate him for not being honest with her. He was truely afraid that if he told Hermione about her parents she would never forgive him for keeping it from her. He wanted to believe that she would understand why he had done so but he didn't think she would.

Not that he could blame her.

He'd had many opportunities over the past few weeks to tell her and while he had wanted to he had believed that it was for the best that he give her time to heal other emotional wounds before he inflicted more on her. Now he wasn't so sure. She had made so much progress and now he was putting that in jeopardy. Maybe it would have been better to have told her at the beginning instead of lulling her into a false sense of comfort about her life. He didn't know if it had been a mistake or not and it was really to late to do anything about it.

Severus had to tell her tonight. The knowledge was eating away at him and he knew that eventually she would find out. It would be easier for her like this. Harder for him. Why was he always cast in the light of the betrayer? He stood outside of her door with the food in hand, loathe to enter. Still, it had to be done. He knocked on the door and she told him to enter so he walked inside with the two plates of food.

There was no table in the room so he figured the bed would do. He handed her a plate and then sat down towards the edge of the bed. He began to eat and then looked at her. Really he couldn't do this. His plan was to wait until after she had finished eating and then he would tell her. This was honestly going to be one of the hardest things that he had ever done. What she had said earlier, about calling her by her first name, had only made it harder. He had mentally been detaching himself from her during his talk with Dumbledore. She was his student and he was her Professor. End of story. In truth that only seemed like it was the beginning.

He didn't want to be attached to her. The only person in his life that he held any bit of real fondness for was Dumbledore. There was only one other person who had ever gotten him to care. Lily Evans. He told himself not to go down that train of thought. Those thoughts only led him to darkness. She had been his only real friend and he didn't think that he could ever allow himself to care about anyone like that ever again. He could never allow anyone to care about him like that either. It spoke of nothing but disaster.

But he did care.

Cared so much it frightened him.

Severus realized that he was halfway finished with his plate and hadn't heard a word she had said, if indeed she had said anything at all. He emptied his mind of thoughts and turned his attention back to her. He didn't want her to think that he was angry with her or that he resented her in anyway for what had happened.

"You looked like you were lost in thought," she said as took a sip from her glass of water. He was reminded of how beautiful he thought her dark brown eyes were.

"Just preoccupied," he said shortly and then regretting it. He really didn't want to be sitting there with her. Didn't want to be anywhere near her. It made it so much harder to be impersonal when she was sitting there talking to him like she was. Maybe after all, him telling her about her parents would be best. She would hate him afterwards. He wouldn't have to deal with his conflicting emotions. It wouldn't matter if he cared for her because she wouldn't care for him. He had learned long ago to let things be. He knew what she was about to say and he stopped her before she could.

"It's not your fault. I chose my path long ago." Severus knew that he was inadvertently making her think that he was in a mood about what had happened earlier. He wasn't happy about it, that much was true, but he didn't blame her. While he had always hoped that Voldemort would never find out that he was working for the Order it had been a risk that he was well aware of and willing to take. That had been the price he paid. The price for Lily's life. The price that was never enough. Again with thoughts of Lily.

"Why? Why did you choose to defy Voldemort and join the Order?" she asked as she finished her food. Severus looked at the empty plate. The ominous sign of what he had decided to do. He didn't know how he could bring himself to tell her. He decided to concentrate on the questions she was asking instead of the information that he was withholding from her.

"It was the right thing to do. I've... done things that I'm not proud of and I didn't... I didn't know what to do to make up for them. I couldn't just apologize and move forward. It wasn't that easy." Severus didn't know why he shared that with her. He just wanted her to know that he did have regrets, that he did feel bad for things that he had done. Things that he still had yet to do.

They sat in silence for a long while. Severus knew that he was prolonging the inevitable while she was probably thinking of more intrusive questions to ask him. The odd thing was that any question that she asked he was sure that he would give her an honest answer. This unnerved him as he had never had the urge to share so much of himself with someone. Not even with Lily. As much as he had loved her he had kept so many things from her.

Instead of asking him about something personal Hermione reverted back to discussing Potions and he was more than happy to oblige her on the subject. It had become something of a "safe" topic for them. She was very knowledgeable about the subject in her own right but she seemed to like hearing him speak. They talked about the potion they had started at Hogwarts and he told her about how Dumbledore was going to salvage what he could of the potions and save them for later.

A little while later they were still talking about potions. Hermione was laying on the bed, on her side, facing him. He had moved towards the top of the bed and was sitting with his back against the headboard. He was telling her about different potions he had created through out the years. Some of which is students had even made in class. It was getting late and she had yawned a few times. It was time. He had to tell her. Maybe after he told her she would still be able to sleep. The thought of depriving her of sleep weighed on his conscious. The thought of her not allowing him to comfort her was driving him insane.

Severus wanted to hold her close one last time, like he had when they had apparate. Hold her hand like he had in Diagon Alley, yet he couldn't come up with a good reason to do those things. He was simply had to swallow the lump in his throat and tell her.

Now or never.

"Hermione... I have something to tell you."

He was greeted by the soft sound of snoring. With a sigh he leaned back against the headboard with his arms behind his head. He looked over at her, watching her sleep, wishing that he could just sit there forever while she had sweet dreams and slept peacefully. He never wanted to be the one to take that away from her.

* * *

Reviews are sweet like candy to my soul. You guys and gals have been such wonderful muses to me and thank you for making it so fun to write this story.


	16. Confession

Severus cracked open an eye and took in his surroundings. It wasn't yet morning. If he had to venture a guess he would've said that it was a little past two or three o'clock in the morning. The Dark Mark on his arm was on fire. Voldemort was calling to him. He had a moment of panic. Usually it started out as a small burning sensation, depending on the Dark Lord's mood it could go one of two ways, the pain could subside... or his arm would begin to feel like the skin was melting off of it. There, of course, were spells that would stop that from happening and keep the pain primarily at bay. The problem with that was it was best that someone else perform the spell. The Dark Mark was essentially magic, especially when it was being activated. To perform magic while under the control of a spell was not the most intelligent thing to do. Add the distraction that the pain was causing and it was a recipe for disaster.

He would just have to wake her up.

Severus looked down at her. At some point in the night he had moved closer to her and she was laying against his side with an arm draped over him while his right arm wrapped around her. Seeing her held so close to him, wanting to be so close to him, the warmth from her body, it made him happy despite the sensation on his left arm. He was almost sure that if he kept looking at her and the small smile on her lips then everything would be okay.

"Hermione?" he whispered, savoring the way her name felt on his lips. She had such a beautiful name. He still felt extremely awkward whenever he called her that but at the same time he was glad that they shared that intimacy. She moved a little bit and then her eyes opened and through the darkness he could see her looking up at him. To his surprise she didn't seem to mind that they were so close. He was tempted to move away from her just to be respectful, when he felt her arm tighten around him. He wasn't sure if she was just too sleepy to really realize that it was him or that she actually enjoyed their closeness.

The former was easier to accept.

"Hm?" she finally responded as she sleepily laid her head back down on his chest.

"I need you to do something for me," Severus said. He didn't want either of them to move but he could already feel the pain increasing and his left hand was trembling.

"What?" The question was followed by a yawn.

"The Dark Mark. It's burning, I need you to make it stop." This apparently got her attention because she sat up in the bed and he could feel her panic.

"Don't worry. I'm not going. There are just a few spells that I need you to do to make the pain subside a little."

"I don't have a -"

"You can use mine," Severus said as he reached in his robes and pulled out his wand. He went to hand it to her but she hesitated.

"Could you light a few candles first?" she asked nervously. He didn't know why she couldn't do that herself and then he realized that she was still probably nervous about using wands in general, especially wands that didn't even belong to her. It was a simple enough spell to light the candles that were setting in racks around the room. Again he held his wand out to her. With a trembling hand she took it.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked and he could sense the Hermione that she used to be. The one that relished a challenge and was brisk and to the point.

"First I need you to point the wand directly at my arm and cast _Finite Incantatem_. This won't stop the pain but it will lessen the Dark Mark's hold on me and stop me from apparating to him should I accidently touch it. After that use _Ardentis Constitus_, which should halt the burning sensation so that it doesn't get any worse, and then _Subsisto Agon_ which will lesson the remaining pain."

He saw her going over the words in her head and then committing them to memory. The first spell she already knew, the other two were probably new to her as they were high level medical spells. He had faith in her abilities and did not doubt for a moment that she would be able to do each spell flawlessly, as long as his wand worked for her, which she hadn't seemed to have a problem with so far.

"Alright. Are you ready?" she asked him as she held his wand in her hand. He could no longer sense any nervousness or panic and he was glad that she had as much faith in herself as he had in her. He didn't ever want her to doubt herself. He wondered if the absence of having a wand was having more of an effect on her then he had originally realized. He would have to talk to Dumbledore and find someway to remedy that.

"Ready," he said as he carefully rolled up the sleeve to his robe. She curiously looked at the mark and he couldn't remember if she had ever seen it before. It made him feel strangely vulnerable. It was a reminder to him of what he really was. It was a reminder to her...

For the millionth time in his life he regretted the decision to become a Death Eater.

As he knew she would, she performed the spells flawlessly. Immediately he felt the pain and pressure he felt dissipate so that there was only a mild burning sensation. He wasn't sure he would be able to sleep but that was more from the stress than the actual pain. He could only imagine what Voldemort was thinking. The raw anger and fury that he was probably feeling towards him. Voldemort didn't handle betrayal well.

"Thank you," he said as she handed the wand back to him.

"Better then?" He could hear the concern in her voice and it made him happy to know that someone cared about him. He sincerely hoped that she knew how much he cared for her in return.

"Yes, much better." Severus decided that he should probably be finding another room to sleep in. Being there with her was definitely not helping him in his quest to distance himself from her. He had temporarily pushed away the knowledge of what he had to tell her. Hermione seemed to be satisfied with his answer and to Severus' surprise she resumed her position of laying next to him, her head resting on his chest while her arm draped over him.

It made him breathless.

It made him happy.

It stirred up feelings that he had long considered dead and dormant.

With a few flicks of his wand he extinguished the lit candles and then he sat his wand aside. He felt so incredibly awkward. He didn't know what to do with his arms. Wrap them around her or no? That was his current conflict. With a deep breath that he hoped she didn't notice, he wrapped his right arm around her, letting his hand rest on her side.

He felt like a school boy again. Despite the popular opinion of his students he had, at various points in his life, had a love life. Nothing that he would call serious and nothing that ever went to a deep and meaningful level, but he was not so inexperienced when it came to the opposite sex. Seven years ago, when Voldemort had returned, his love and sex life had been pushed to the back burner. With so much responsibility to Hogwarts and the Order it had been rare that he'd enjoyed the company of a woman. In fact, it had been about a year since he'd last had the attentions of a female.

He wondered why all of these thoughts were creeping up. He knew, and the reason didn't make him happy. He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't attracted to her. It was much more than a sexual attraction as well, which probably bothered him more than anything. It was easy to look at someone and like them for what they looked like. It was more difficult, especially for him, to see the other levels of someone and like them for that as well. There was very little about Hermione that he didn't like.

She was attractive, that was fairly easy for him to admit even though he chastised himself for it, but she also had an intelligence that he admired above all else. She had a passion for knowledge that rivaled his. She was brave and courageous, qualities that he admired but usually felt himself lacking. His thoughts were interrupted by her voice.

"What's your happiest memory?" she asked.

He wondered why she wanted know. Happiest memory? They were few and far between. He had to admit that laying with her right then actually happened to be one of them. That, however, was information that he intended to keep to himself. All of his happy memories, every single one of them were tainted in sadness. This one was no exception. He knew that things between them wouldn't go on like this once he told her what he knew. The day that Lily had told him that she loved him, even if she had only meant it platonically, had been a happy memory, the sadness that surrounded his thoughts of her was almost too much to bear. The day that he had got his letter from Hogwarts had been happy as well, until his father had found out.

"My happiest memory is when Dumbledore gave me a second chance." That was perhaps the happiest, and saddest, memory of all. The death of Lily, the betrayal of Voldemort, his life in pieces. Dumbledore had been the only one to give him hope in the moment that he felt his darkest. That had been the moment when he had decided to atone for all of the things that he had done.

"I'm glad that Dumbledore decided that you were worth trusting. I trust you."

He didn't know what to say to that and soon he heard her breathing even out as she fell back asleep. Deciding that it would be best to attempt to do the same he closed his eyes, but her words were still playing out in his head. She trusted him. Three words had never meant more to him.

* * *

Hermione absently trailed a finger over his arm, outlining the dark mark. She had been awake for awhile now, thinking. The sunlight was coming through the window and filling the room in pale light. She enjoyed watching him sleep, he didn't look so worried and stressed out. It was good to see him calm, especially when she was part of the reason he wasn't.

Her eyes concentrated on the skull with the snake coming out of its mouth. Everyone had learned to hate and fear that mark and the wizards who bore it. It stood for so much badness. Death, destruction, chaos. It was the most feared symbol in the Wizarding world. Yet it was a part of him. She found it hard to hate any part of him.

Hermione was still impressed with her boldness last night. It had just felt right to sleep next to him and be close to him. Besides the feeling of safety that she felt with him, there were other things that she felt for him that made her want to keep him close. Safety was one of the smaller ones. He had a habit of making her heart beat in a funny way that she liked. Last night when he had put his hand so innocently on her side she had felt her insides respond to that.

Honestly, that scared her.

She was trying not to let it.

She was also failing miserably. She didn't really know what she wanted from him. What kind of relationship she was aiming for. Most of the time she just wanted friendship. There were other times when she wondered if what she really wanted was more. She was just afraid to admit it. Even if they had been caught up in more normal circumstances she wasn't sure than anything other than friendship could come from what they were. How could it? He was her Professor after all, former as it were. There was still a part of her that said that was inappropriate. His age didn't particularly bother her, as really it was just a number. His heart, and its capacity to feel, however, did.

It wasn't that she thought he was cold and heartless because she didn't. He had just been through so much in his life that she wasn't sure that he would allow his heart to feel anything for anyone, let alone her. She didn't want to get trapped into having feelings for someone that could never have them back.

It was too late for that.

Hermione wondered how long he was going to be asleep. Her stomach was telling her that it was past time for breakfast. She slowly sat up and looked at him as he continued to sleep. She had to resist the urge to reach out and touch his face. The only thing that stopped her was the fear that he might wake up to her touch and she'd feel silly being caught touching him in such away.

She still had yet to call him by his name.

Hermione decided that now was as good a time as any. After all, it couldn't really hurt. He had called her by her name a few times now and she hoped that the courtesy was extended to her as well. It just seemed strange to call him anything other than Snape. However, the prospect of calling him by his name was making her a bit giddy inside.

"Severus, it's time to wake up," she said leaning close to his face. His eyes fluttered and when he opened them and saw her the smile that he gave her made her heart melt. She liked his sleepy morning smiles.

"Morning," he said as he sat up in the bed.

"Good morning. How's your arm feeling?" she asked as she tried to block out how soft and smooth his skin had felt. How she was still fighting the impulse to touch more of him.

"Much better, thank you. I better go down and get some coffee," he said climbing off the bed and making a hasty exit. She wondered why he had been in such a hurry to leave. It definitely had spared them the awkwardness of sitting in bed together. Still, she hadn't minded his company.

Hermione climbed out of bed and saw that there was a large trunk and a bag sitting by the door. It was her luggage. Apparently Dumbledore had sent it from Hogwarts. Hermione grabbed a change of clothes and went off to find a shower and get changed.

When she was all nice and clean she made her way down the kitchen where she found Snape sitting at the table, a cup of coffee in one hand and the Daily Prophet in the other. Hermione grabbed a plate and helped herself to the dish of scrambled eggs and toast that was sitting in the middle of the table. She sat down on the opposite side of the table directly across from him and poured herself a glass of orange juice.

She wanted to broach the subject of finding that wandmaker that Ollivander had mentioned but at the same time she wasn't sure that this was the time to do it. Admittedly, her last wand search had ended in disaster. She had no intention of ruining what had, so far, been a very good morning. A wonderful morning. She knew that it was silly to even think about, but she didn't think that she would ever tire of falling asleep and waking up next to him.

"Is there anything interesting in the paper?" she asked as she buttered her toast and took a bite of it. He looked up at her from behind his paper and he no longer looked happy, as he had when she had awakened him. It was obvious that something was bothering him and she wondered if it had something to do with her. Or the fact that they had woken up together.

Was it possible that it was bothering him for the same reasons that it was her?

"No, nothing at all. Just the usual."

"What's wrong?" she asked as she started in on her eggs. He was quiet for a long time and she looked up, wondering if he had even heard her. He was giving her the oddest look. She wasn't sure if it could be defined as affection or sadness.

"I've gotten used to keeping secrets. It's become part of who I am. I've tried to believe that certain things have to be kept for certain reasons but sometimes it's more complicated than that." He stopped for a moment as she looked at him perplexed. She didn't have the slightest clue as to what he was talking about. He took a deep breath and in a rush he continued.

"There's something that I've been keeping from you for awhile now. I was worried about you and that's the only reason that I didn't tell you. You have to believe that I never intended to keep it from you for this long."

Hermione still had no earthly idea about what he was talking about. She wanted to know what he was keeping from her. For a moment she wondered if maybe he was going to confess to her all of the things that she had been thinking about him. That perhaps he liked waking up to her and saying her name, and just being in her company as much as she enjoyed being in his. The thought that perhaps she had been wrong and he was able to feel something for her made her heart speed up.

"The day you were... the day you were taken... Death Eaters attacked your parents. They... they didn't survive."

* * *

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	17. Untrusted

"The day you were... the day you were taken... Death Eaters attacked your parents. They... they didn't survive."

"What?" Hermione asked. It felt like all of the air had been sucked from the room. Was he serious? Really serious? He couldn't be. There was no way that her parents could have been dead all of this time. She would have known it, felt it, sensed it somehow. It had to be some sort of mistake or misunderstanding or... something. He wouldn't have kept this secret from her all this time. All of these days... he would have said something sooner.

Not her parents.

"Your parents never made it to King's Cross Station that day to pick you up. They were in a car accident on their way to come get you." He stopped for a moment and she looked up at him. She wanted to know the whole story. Every single little detail, and he was going to tell her. He seemed to sense that she wanted to know more so he continued.

"There were suspicious circumstances surrounding their deaths. It is believed that they were victims of the killing curse." Hermione looked at him trying to process what he was saying yet she felt like it was going in one ear and out the other. It was suddenly hard for her brain to digest the information that he was telling her. She wanted to hear and yet she didn't. What she really wanted, more than anything, was to pretend that this wasn't happening.

Her mum and dad were killed by the killing curse? The logical part of her brain, that sometimes took over in times of panic, reasoned that at least their deaths had been quick. That was something to be thankful for.

Thankful? How could she be thankful about anything? Her parents were dead. The ones that she had been too busy to write more than once a month, if she remembered. The ones that she had seen maybe seven times in the last seven years.

They had been so proud of her when she had gone to Hogwarts and excelled in her studies. She had wanted so much to make them happy. She knew that part of them was disappointed that she would be away from home and learning about things that they would probably never understand. All of their dreams of her following in their footsteps and being a dentist or even a doctor, were put aside. She sometimes thought that she tried so hard at her studies because she wanted to make it up to them and show them that she could still be something.

That dedication had gotten them killed. It was because of her. That thought hit her like a tidal wave. She had tried so hard to protect her friends and protect herself that she hadn't thought about the people who had protected and nurtured her as she grew up. If she hadn't have gone to Hogwarts. If she hadn't tried so hard, been Harry's friend, allowed herself to become part of the Order, then none of this would have happened.

How could this have happened?

Hermione looked over at Snape. He was giving her a concerned look, like he was expecting her to fall apart at any moment. Well, she was done falling a part. She had done enough of that to last her a lifetime. Falling apart wasn't going to bring them back. It wasn't going to change anything. They would be just as dead as they were yesterday. Her eyes felt dry and she wondered why she wasn't crying. Was she in shock? Did she still not believe it?

She wasn't sure. She just knew that she didn't want to cry.

"How long have you known?" she asked and she was surprised to hear that her voice was surprisingly devoid of emotion. She wanted to be angry with him but it was getting hard to muster up much feeling for anything. She almost felt a moment of panic. She remembered what it felt like when she had woken up at Hogwarts. That need to be empty of thoughts and feelings and memories. She didn't ever want to go back to that.

"I found out the day it happened."

The day that it happened? Did that mean before or after? Her parents were killed by Death Eaters. He was a Death Eater. Did he know what they were going to do before hand? Had he cast the spell on them himself? She had held his wand in her hand, had that been the wand that had killed her parents? She hated that she was having doubts about him.

She couldn't help it.

Part of her was saying that he had given her every reason in the world to trust him. He had saved her, watched over her, kept her safe, comforted her numerous times. The other part told her that he would've done anything to hide his true allegiance from Voldemort. After all, he had stood there and watched as Lucius tortured her. What else had he done for the sake of what was "right"?

He had saved her yesterday, at the cost of Voldemort discovering that he was hiding her.

That was worth something.

But was that enough? He had talked about guilt. That he felt guilt about not being able to save her from that chamber sooner. Was that as far as it went? He was going above and beyond the call of duty for her. Maybe there was something more to the guilt that he was feeling. After all, this was Severus Snape. She and her friends had never had any problem mistrusting him in the past. Why had she allowed all of that to change?

"Did you kill them?"

The moment the question left her lips she regretted it. The look on his face... she never wanted to see that look again. She wanted to apologize but she couldn't bring herself to. He owed her an answer. She wanted to know for sure. Have no doubt. As much as she hated to admit it there was doubt there. He had kept this from her for almost a month. If he could keep something like this from her then who was to say that there weren't other secrets? Secrets that could destroy her.

"How can you ask me that?"

Hermione looked down unable to look him in the eyes. She needed an answer. He owed her at least that much. How could he expect her to trust him? How was she supposed to look at him and not be suspicious? She didn't know how many Muggles he had killed over the years, didn't want to know, but she had a right to ask about her parents. They had been her parents, the only ones that she was ever going to have.

"Are you going to answer?" she challenged, feeling more angry than sad. Why wasn't he answering? Was he stalling? Trying to think of something to say?

"The answer is no," he said softly.

Hermione felt the air leave her body. For a moment she had feared what his answer might be. Deep down, she wanted to believe that he didn't have it in him to do something so horrible, but there was still the part of her that felt betrayed that he had kept this from her. She was relieved. She was so relieved to hear him say that it wasn't him.

She couldn't believe that they were gone. Really gone. She hadn't been able to go to their funeral. Hadn't said goodbye. She wanted to go back and change time so that she didn't have to deal with this. Any of it. She wished the last month had never happened and at some point she would wake up from this nightmare that had become her life.

"How could you have kept this from me all this time?" she asked looking up at him. She was surprised to see that her hands were shaking. She felt like she was on the verge of tears but she didn't want to give in to it. She didn't know what was hurting most at the moment. The knowledge that she would never see her parents again or the knowledge that the one person that she had trusted for the last month had hidden something so important from her. She hated herself for not knowing what hurt more. She knew what should hurt more but she wasn't quite sure it did.

It was hard to comprehend the fact that she would never see their faces again. It still seemed unreal. However, the fact that he had kept all of this from her seemed all to real. It was the pain that was easiest to deal with at the moment.

"I didn't know how to tell you. When would be the right time to tell you. I've been debating with myself about this for weeks. I never wanted to keep this from you for so long but it never seemed like the right time to tell you. I was worried about you. I care about you."

"Care about me?" she asked, feeling the odd urge to laugh. She had thought that this whole conversation was going to be a confession about how he cared about her. How wrong she was. She wanted to understand his motives but right now she couldn't. She was too angry. There was very little that she understood at the moment.

"Yes, I care about you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. There are very few people in my life that I have ever said that to. You aren't just my student or a member of the Order. You are more than that to me."

"What am I?" she asked feeling her eyes well up. She wanted so badly to believe him. He had been the only one that she could count on lately and she didn't want to believe that it had been a false sense of trust. She wanted to believe that there was friendship... or something.

"I don't know if I have the words to describe it," he said looking at her with his dark eyes. Hermione felt her remaining anger lessen a little bit. She didn't know what they were either, had no earthly idea really. She supposed it really didn't matter what they were or what they had been.

Hermione just sat there staring at the table trying not to let her emotions overwhelm her like the tide trying to pull her under. Death was not something that she was intimately acquainted with. There had been Cedric, and Sirius, but that was pretty much the extent of her dealings with death. This was so much more personal, and it made her feel emptier than she had ever felt. It was still hard to wrap her mind around the thought of them not being there.

Even when she had been away from them for months, sometimes almost a year at a time, she knew that they were always there. She had taken them for granted, thought that they would always be there when she needed them. They weren't there now.

"Hermione..."

The sound of her name brought fresh tears to her eyes.

She missed her mum and dad.

* * *

Severus tried to get his emotions under control before he could even begin to help her with hers. Last night she had told him that she trusted him and now she was accusing him of killing her parents. He didn't blame her. She had every right to be suspicious. After all, he was Severus the Betrayer, Oath-breaker, Liar, Coward. Those names had followed him through out his life. Once again he had betrayed someone's trust in him. He wanted to do anything to get that back.

She had been the first person in a long time that had trusted him. That he had trusted in return. He mourned for the fact that he might have just lost that. There had been no other way. He could have feigned ignorance, had Dumbledore tell her. That still wouldn't have made him any less of a coward or a liar. She would have found out eventually and then she would've hated him even more.

No words had ever hurt him more than that question that she had asked him. He wanted to believe that it had been asked out of anger and that she hadn't believed that he would have done that. He knew that wasn't the case. He had seen the look in her eyes. That look had killed a little part of him.

He was always the Death Eater first. Everything else came later.

Sometimes Severus felt like he was never going to amount to anything more than that mark on his arm. He got out of his chair and went to her, hoping that she would allow him to attempt to make amends for things. To comfort her in anyway that he could. Hermione stood up and he put his arms around her, waiting to be rejected. Waiting for her to tell him that he wasn't wanted, or needed. Instead, her arms wrapped around him in return and she buried her head in his chest.

He felt her body shake with her tears and he didn't know what to do or say to make it better. He wanted to, Merlin did he want to. He had got to the point where he wasn't sure that there was anything that he wouldn't do for her. He almost wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. He had been agonizing over telling her and now that it was done he felt a small amount of relief.

Finally her crying died down and she pulled away from him.

"I think I just need some time to be alone," Hermione said as she turned away from him and hastily made her way up the stairs. He watched her disappear and then he sat back down at the table with his head in his hands. For the first time, in a long time, he allowed himself to cry.

It was a few hours later when Severus felt a hand on his shoulder. He hoped that it was her yet at the same time he knew that it wasn't. It had been hours since she had disappeared upstairs and he had been trying so hard to work up the courage to go speak to her. He didn't because he didn't want to invade her space. Also, he was terrified. He turned around to see Dumbledore standing there.

"How did she take the news?" asked Dumbledore as he sat down in the chair across from him.

"Better than I expected actually. She was angry, she was upset, but I think she'll be alright" Severus said as he ran his hands over his face. It was only mid afternoon but the day had been passing so slowly that it felt like it was much later. Dumbledore was looking at him and Severus sighed, wanting to confide in someone.

"She asked me if I was the one that killed her parents," he said heavily. Dumbledore's level gaze seemed to see right through him and Severus felt strangely vulnerable in front of the old man. He hated admitting that something that she had said had hurt him but he couldn't help himself. He was still reeling from it while at the same time trying to understand that she had been upset and angry.

"You have feelings for her?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus considered the question before answering. He had been asking himself that question all morning. Did he have feelings for her? Of course. It was exactly what those feelings were that he was having trouble pin pointing. It was different from anything that he had ever felt before and that told him all that he needed to know. That made his brain shy away from any other thoughts about her.

"Yes, I have feelings for her," he said simply. It was the truth, he cared about her. Cared about all of his students, or former students, in one way or another. Dumbledore didn't need to know the complicated intricacies of it.

"Are you falling in love with her?"

"Of course not." Severus knew that he answered the question too quickly but the words had flown out of his mouth before he had been able to stop them. In love with her? It wasn't as simple as that. Nothing was as simple as that. He enjoyed her company and found her easy to talk to. While that was something rare in and of itself for him that didn't mean anything.

Or how he wanted to be the one to make her happy. That he had the desire to be near her, to hold her, to sleep next to her every night... he refused to let that mean anything either. He was not an affectionate person by nature and the fact that she brought out those qualities in him did mean something. It just didn't mean love.

He had no idea what it meant.

"Hm. Well, since you two might be staying here for awhile I gathered some books out of your library and brought them here so that you would have something to read. It has been confirmed that Voldemort knows that you were with Miss Granger in Diagon Alley." That reminded Severus of the fact that he had been called by the Dark Mark so he proceeded to inform Dumbledore of what had happened.

They sat talking for awhile as they went over various plans and reports from members of the Order. Severus looked up at the big grandfather clock in the corner and realized that it was early evening. He wanted to take her up something to eat but he reasoned that if she was hungry she would come down and find something eventually. He yearned to see her but he reasoned with himself that if he gave her space perhaps it would let her anger for him fade.

As the day wore on and various members of the Order got off of work from the Ministry, or wherever else they worked, the dining room began to fill with people. Most only stayed a few minutes, whether to tell Dumbledore a spare bit of information they had heard, or just to keep themselves updated on anything that was happening.

As darkness began to fall Severus bid Dumbledore good night as he went back to Hogwarts for the night. Dumbledore had been gone only a few minutes when he felt the familiar prickly sensation on his forearm. Deciding that he hadn't seen her all night and she needed to eat, not to mention he needed her to help with his arm, he gathered some food and then made his way up the stairs. Hopefully spending the better part of the day in solitude had helped her deal with her grief and her anger towards him. He hoped so.

Severus knocked on the door but there was no answer. If she was sleeping he didn't want to wake her up. Still, the pain in his arm was bound to get steadily worse. He decided that he would risk doing the spells himself if it meant that she could rest peacefully. The pain was not yet bad enough to stop him from concentrating and hopefully there would be little magical interference. He opened the door to her room just to make sure that she was in fact alright. The room empty.

He told himself not to panic. Hermione had said that she needed to be alone so perhaps she had chosen a different room so that he might not bother her. That was all it was. Grimmauld place was large and it took him several minutes to do a room to room search. As he looked through each room, bathroom, and closet he felt his heart beating faster. He had a moment of hope when he heard someone in the hallway only to discover that it was the old house elf. Finally he was back at her room.

The house was empty.

She was gone.

His arm was on fire.

* * *

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	18. Goodbyes

It was dark and silent. So deathly quiet.

It had taken Hermione an hour to find their graves. She hadn't expected it to be that hard. She'd known which graveyard, it had been the same one that she had visited as a child to see the graves of her grandparents. That had been over eight years ago and she hadn't been able to remember exactly where the graves had been. It didn't help that she didn't have her wand or any other means of light.

It also didn't help that she was exhausted.

Apparating without a wand was definitely something that Hermione didn't recommend. At first she had been afraid that she would splinch herself but she'd gotten over that fear quickly. Five long hours she had sat in her room at Grimmauld Place thinking. Five long hours of regret and grief and misery. She just had to say goodbye. There were so many things that had been left unsaid and she needed to say them.

She knew that she was stupid. Her fear of being caught by Voldemort had been pushed to the back of her mind. There was no room for it in her head. Right now there could be a Death Eater animagus watching her and she'd never be the wiser until they caught her.

But she would survive.

Hermione didn't know how but she knew that she would. She had determination, she had the will to live and no one, Dark Lord or not, was going to ever take that away from her again. The Gryffindor looked down at her parents graves and at the single large headstone with their names engraved on them. At the top of the headstone in large letters was their last name. To the left was her mother's name, Emily, and to the right her father's name, Jonathan. There was writing between their names and she traced the carved words.

_ Loved. Missed. Remembered. _

_Together for eternity._

Hermione looked at the stone and etched every word into her mind. She was never going to forget. She had spent so much time "forgetting" about them during the last seven years and that wasn't going to happen anymore. She was going to make sure of it.

Harry could have Voldemort. That was destiny. She had accepted that.

Lucius, however, and anyone else who bore the dark mark for that matter, they were all hers. They were going to pay for taking so much from her. She was not going to let them get away with ruining her life. As soon as she found a wand they were all going to die. After all of the trauma that they'd put her through the least they could do was pay for her therapy. No matter if it cost them their lives.

Deciding that she had no where else to be Hermione sat down on the grass next to their resting place. She wanted to say something, to tell them that she loved them and missed them but no words would come so she settled for just sitting there in silence. She was utterly exhausted. She had never imagined that wandless magic would be so hard, especially something as complicated as apparation. She felt like she could sleep for days. She pulled her cloak closer around her. It was summer but the night was still cool and she felt herself shivering. She wanted to go home.

She just wasn't quiet sure where home was.

A small part of her wanted to visit her parent's house but she was afraid of what she would find there. Would it be empty? Or still full of all of their stuff? She didn't know and she didn't really want to. She didn't know which was worse, the thought of walking into the house and finding it just as she had left it the last time she had been home, or going back and finding it empty, as if none of them had ever existed.

Maybe they'd even sold the house already and there were new people living there. Hermione supposed that wasn't really possible as she was fairly certain that the house now belonged to her. All of their stuff probably did too. She didn't really want any of it. She wondered if Dumbledore had come up with some way to get everything in order. After all, if her parents' attorny couldn't get in contact with her then what would happen to everything?

She didn't know.

Hermione sighed and rested her back against the side of the headstone. Home. Did that mean Hogwarts then? There was no place for her there anymore. She wasn't a student, she wasn't a Professor. She meant nothing to Hogwarts. So where did that leave her? The Burrow? Grimmauld place? She really didn't know, maybe she would stay in a hotel until she figured it out. She had a little bit of muggle money, enough for at least a night or two.

Sometimes home wasn't a place but a person.

Hermione wasn't sure where she had heard that but it felt strangely fitting to her at the moment. Who was her home? She knew. Of all of the people in her life, she knew who made her feel safe. He had been the one that had made her feel safe and then had lied to her.

No, not lied. Omitted. That made it all better.

Yeah. Right. Hermione had spent five hours thinking about nothing but her parents death and the fact that he had known all of these weeks. At first she had felt a large amount of numbness. Which then gave way to hurt. Which made her angry. Severus Snape's power to hurt her should have ended the day she graduated.

It hadn't. He had hurt her more than she would ever be able to tell him. She wanted that hurt to go away most of all. She kept telling herself that she had the rest of her life to grieve for her parents. No matter what she did they weren't coming back. But Snape, that was in the here and now. That was something that she had to deal with now. Someone she had to forget as soon as possible.

How could she ever trust him?

How had she ever trusted him in the first place?

Now that she thought about it it seemed like such a foolish thing to do. Not once in seven years had he even really been nice to her. He had protected her and her friends from Voldemort yes, but who was to say that wasn't to protect himself. Or guilt? Him and his damn guilt. That was what bothered her most of all.

The reason that he had taken such wonderful care of her, been so nice to her, protected her, it was all because of his guilt. He might not have been the one to kill her parents but he had been a part of it none the less. He had watched her get tortured. He had kept something from her for a month. Guilt fueled his actions. She knew that's what it was. Guilt or Dumbledore. Those seemed to be the only two reasons he did anything.

Hermione felt tears welling up in her eyes and she desperately wanted them to be tears for her parents and she was so ashamed of herself because she knew that they weren't. She wanted to cry for them but she couldn't and she didn't know why. She was afraid of the dam of emotions breaking. She didn't want to go back to the dark place that she had found herself in after she was rescued.

If she concentrated on the anger instead of the sadness then maybe she wouldn't drown in it. With a sigh she looked down at the dirt covering her parents' graves. The grass had started to grow back, you could barely even tell that the graves were new. Hermione regretted that she hadn't have been able to see them just one last time. Hug them, tell them that she loved them and hear it in return.

She wanted to change so many things and it broke her heart that she couldn't.

Hermione turned as she heard a noise to her far right. To her surprise she didn't feel any fear. She knew who it was without seeing them. She didn't know how she knew it, just a feeling inside. It made her feel calmer and she hated him for it.

Before she could say anything he collapsed at her feet.

* * *

Severus woke up and felt something cool on his face. He was thirsty and he could still feel the distant memory of pain coursing through his body. His memory was still a little bit hazy and he had no idea where he was. The last thing that he remembered was finding Grimmauld Place empty and then deciding to risk apparating in his pained state to find her. That in itself had been dangerous. There had been the possibility that magic from the Dark Mark and that from his apparation could have collided and made for some unwelcome consequences. He'd really had no choice. He could have wasted his strength and attempted to do the three spells that would stop him from feeling pain or he could find her. Finding her had been more important at that moment.

The raw panic and terror that had torn through him when he had realized that she was missing had made the pain in his arm that much worse. For a few wild seconds he had thought that maybe the Death Eaters had found someway to take her. He had let go of that idea when he realized that he was still alive and well.

No doubt that if they were going to take Hermione they would've taken him too. That left him with only one other option. She had left of her own free will. At first he had worried that perhaps she had owled someone to come and get her, someone like Potter or Weasley. It then occurred to him that really she didn't need them. She was a powerful, intelligent, witch. Was it out of the realm of possibility that she had found some way to leave on her own? Absolutely not. In fact it was more than likely that she had.

He had to admire her for that. She could be more stubborn than he was at times.

Severus' best guess had been that she had apparated. That left him concerned for her because he didn't think that she had her apparation licence and most importantly she didn't have a wand. Dumbledore was the only wizard that Severus knew that apparated without the use of a wand. He himself had never attempted it, but then he'd never had the need to.

Through the haze of pain he had tried to decide where she would most likely go. For a moment he had wondered if she'd gone off in search of the wand maker Gregorovitch. That had caused him even more panic because he had no idea where she would have even attempted to begin her search. After a moment's thought he had decided that she wasn't fool enough to attempt that search on her own. At least he hoped she wasn't.

That had left him with two options. Her childhood home or the graves of her parents. He knew that he only had the strength for one apparation and that worried him. If she was in trouble he wouldn't be much help. If anything, he'd probably be nothing but a hindrance. If he found her and they were attacked he knew that she wouldn't leave him. Even if she was angry with him he didn't think that she would purposefully let him die. That would mean that she would have to side-long apparate him without a wand and he didn't even want to think about everything that could go wrong with that.

Severus had wanted to believe that she hadn't gone to the house. That was probably the most dangerous place for her to be. It had been a month since the funeral however and he hoped that Voldemort had given up hope of her visiting the graves. Since she had gone so long without doing so. If she had gone home there was little that he could do, he blocked out those thoughts and concentrated on the graveyard.

It had taken him even longer to remember where their funerals had taken place. It had been so long ago that it had taken all of his will power to push the pain away and remember. He'd heard Dumbledore talking about the location after it had happened. He'd posted a few wizards at the cemetery that day to see if they could catch any Death Eaters in attendance.

Once he had remembered the name of the cemetery, Severus had apparated there as quickly as possible. He'd gotten lucky because as soon as he got there he was sure that he could see her sitting next to a headstone. He remembered the pain flaring up and then blackness. Now there was wonderful coldness on his face.

His eyes finally focused and he looked around. He was in a strange room and it took him a moment to realize what was so incredibly strange about it. Finally it sunk in that it was distinctively muggle. There were power outlets and lamps, and there was a television sitting on a dresser. Where was he?

Severus reached up and pulled a washcloth from his head. It was cold and wet and he realized that was what he had felt as he woke up. He wasn't quiet sure how it had gotten there. Looking over, he found the culprit. She was laying on her side, facing him, fast asleep. He felt relief wash over him. She was safe and whole and that made him feel a lot better.

At first, he thought that they might be at her home but looking around he realized that the surroundings looked much more like a hotel. He had stayed in one as a child and while it was a far away distant memory he still remembered. He wondered what they were doing at a hotel and how she had gotten him there. Looking at Hermione, he realized that his wand was laying on the bed sitting inches from her hand. He took it and tucked it safely back in his pocket.

With a groan he sat up and took a look at himself. Physically he felt fine. There was no pain in his arm or the rest of his body. He was a little bit thirsty but that was nothing that couldn't easily be fixed. He debated upon waking her up. He knew that they were both exhausted but they needed to talk. He made himself accept the fact that he was no longer "taking care" of her. She was a grown woman and she was obviously going to do what she wanted.

Severus could accept that. What he couldn't accept, and wouldn't accept, was the loss of his friendship with her. Just hearing the word friendship in his head felt strange to him. He had never really thought of himself as having friends. Besides Dumbledore he hadn't had someone to talk to in a very long time.

He was terrified of losing that.

Severus gently shook her shoulder. She mumbled something and then opened her eyes. She looked right at him and for a long while they just stared at each other. So many words popped up in his head but he couldn't say any of them. He couldn't read her expression. He couldn't read her and he hated it.

"What did you think you were doing? Just leaving and not telling me. Do you know how worried I was?" he asked hating the fact that he was allowing her to see how afraid he had been. He didn't like showing weakness to anyone, most of all her, but the sheer panic that he'd felt when he discovered her missing was still very real to him.

"I don't want to talk. I want to sleep," she said with a sigh as she looked up at him, challenging him to ask anything of her. He wanted to see just one hint of forgiveness. Once sign that he hadn't lost it all. Just one sign.

"Please," he said, hating himself for saying that word. "Talk to me." He needed to know what she was thinking. Did she truly hate him? Had she thought about everything and begun to understand his motives? She could be angry with him, he could understand that, anger could go away, he was just worried that it ran deeper than just anger.

"I don't want to talk," she said in a clipped voice. Severus laid back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling trying to order his thoughts in a way that didn't end with him feeling like he was crawling out of his skin. He yearned for the darkness, soothing darkness. Seeing as how the muggle lamp was on, thus making his wand useless, he got up and turned it off. He stood by the bed for a moment, debating. All he had wanted was one sign that she didn't hate him, and other than the fact that she had not completely ignored him, she hadn't given him that sign. Really he just wanted to leave so that he could be miserable by himself.

Not that he could leave her. With a sigh that he hoped she didn't hear, he climbed into the bed and just laid there. Looking off into the darkness. He didn't know how to fix any of this. Really he didn't. No matter what he did, or what he said, there wasn't anything that was going to change.

A few minutes later Severus heard and felt shuffling to his left and suddenly he was engulfed in warmth and the smell of her hair. Hermione had moved so close that her head was resting on his shoulder and her arm was draped over his chest. He could've sworn that he stopped breathing for fear that the tiniest movement would make her move away. He didn't know if she was awake or if she was sleeping or whether or not her actions had been subconscious or not. He just knew that it felt so good to hold her.

* * *

As always, review, and have an absolutely wonderful, fantastic, weekend!


	19. Morning

Hermione laid in the bed silently contemplating what to do next. She felt so unbelievably lost. In more ways than one. What was she going to do now? It seemed like she no longer had it in her to hide and pretend that everything was okay. Everything wasn't okay. She knew that she didn't want to go back to Grimmauld place, she was tired of hiding and pretending that she didn't exist. She'd had enough of all this hiding. It was time for her to do something about it and for that to happen she needed a wand.

Which led her to her next problem. Ollivander apparently had no wand that would suit her. That meant she had to find some way to locate the retired wandmaker Gregorovitch. She just didn't know if she intended to do that alone or with Snape's help. That was her current worry. That, and where she should start looking for Gregorovitch.

His company would be helpful, that was if he would even go along with her plan. If she managed to even come up with a plan. Hermione wasn't sure how much she was going to able to apparate without a wand, especially if she didn't have a good idea of where she was going. If she only had the energy to apparate once per day that wasn't going to get her very far very quicky.

There was also the issue of money. In her robe she'd had a pouch of money, some muggle money as well, that her parents had given her in case of an emergency years ago. That was nearly all gone because she'd had to pay for the hotel room that they were staying in. No money, and no wand. She was starting to doubt if her sanity was even there anymore. For a moment it had occurred to her that she could always use a stunning spell on Snape, take his money, and his wand, and leave him there.

That plan had been worth thinking about for a whole five seconds before she admitted to herself that no matter how angry she was at him, and she was still very angry, she couldn't betray him like that. She wasn't the one that was the betrayer. Hermione mentally chided herself, telling herself that it wasn't fair of her to think of him like that. The last few days had been so emotionally trying that she couldn't help it.

Lately she was finding herself unable to help a lot of things. Like the way his arms felt so nice wrapped around her.

At some point throughout the night they had changed positions. She was no longer laying with her head on his chest and her arm wrapped around him. Instead they were both laying on their sides, facing the same way, and his arms were wrapped loosely around her waist. She could feel their bodies pressed together, hear him breathing, feel his breath on her ear.

Hermione had to admit that it made some of the anger disappear. Admittedly it wasn't all anger, some of it was fear, some of it was sadness. Either way, it was all caused by him. She still worried that whatever friendship they'd developed had been based on nothing but guilt. If that was the case then she wasn't sure what to do. All of that aside, it felt nice to be held.

Never in a million years had she imagined that she'd long for someone's touch, let alone his, like she did. It calmed her, yet had the opposite effect all at once. She tried not to concentrate on it but it was difficult when she could feel the warmth of his body. There were so many things that she needed to work out in her head and her thoughts of him weren't helping her be productive.

She needed to focus.

Hermione sighed and again tried to get her mind to wrap around something other than the fact that he was wrapped around her. She had to admit that she was glad that he was okay. Last night when he had appeared in the graveyard and collapsed she had worried that someone had attacked him. For a few frantic moments she had worried that he had died.

She never wanted to feel that fear again.

Last night, after the initial paralyzing terror had faded, she had given him a quick once over and had noticed that the Dark Mark was as black as she had ever seen it. After taking his wand she performed the spells that he had told her lessened the pain. Afterwards she had reassured herself that he was indeed alive and not dead she had tried to levitate him. His wand had been difficult and it had taken her saying the spell several times to get him to even rise a few feet up off the ground.

After that it had only been a matter of finding a cheap hotel, checking in, and then making sure that no one could see her float him into the room. She had laid him on the bed, put a cool washcloth on his head, and then she'd spent a long time laying on the bed beside him, propped up on her elbow, thinking. Part of her was glad that he had found her, the other part knew that it just complicated things.

He was always complicating things.

Hermione sighed and closed her eyes as she wondered if he would go with her if she decided to look for the wand. It was possible that he might. If she went alone she had no doubt that he would try to find her, so in the long run it would just be much easier for him to agree to accompany her and save them both the trouble. Unless he tried to convince her to do something else.

Which she was sure that he couldn't.

Last night when he'd woken up after passing out and he'd asked her to talk to him she had almost relented. The only thing that had stopped her was the fact that her anger had been too fresh and she had been afraid that she would say something that would irrevocably damage their relationship. Not that he hadn't done a fine job of that himself.

Hermione told herself to let go of the bitterness. It didn't do either one of them any good. She needed him and being angry with him wasn't going to get her what she wanted. She sighed again, and opening her eyes, she concentrated on looking at a random spot on the wall ahead.

She was fooling herself. She knew she was. As much as she wanted to believe that the only reason that she wanted him to come with her was because of the money and her need for someone to apparate her she knew that those were the least valid reasons of all. Truthfully, she couldn't imagine doing this without him. They'd been through so much together in such a short time. She'd gone from inherently mistrusting him, to trusting him, to liking him, to not trusting him all over again.

Hermione wondered if her reasons for mistrusting him were all about the fact that he had kept her parents' death from her. She was angry, yes, but she wondered if it was really just an attempt to push him away. She wasn't sure, but the fact that the thought had appeared worried her. She didn't want to analyze her feelings anymore. For that matter, she didn't want to have any feelings at all. That was so much easier than letting someone get close to her.

She felt Snape stir as he began to wake up. She stayed silent, not wanting to be the first one to say anything. She justified it by telling herself that she was still upset with him, when really she was just afraid that if he knew she was awake he might pull away. Honestly she was quite comfortable just the way she was. A few minutes passed and she wondered if he had fallen back asleep or if he was thinking. She wished that she could read his thoughts. Life would be so much easier.

"Are you awake?" he asked in a near whisper. He was so close to her ear that it sent shivers down her spine.

"Yes," Hermione said shortly. She wanted to say something more but she stopped herself. She was glad that he didn't move from his position of holding her. Again she wondered exactly what feelings he had for her and what was at the root of them.

"Will you promise me something?" he asked.

"What?" she asked. Hermione wondered what he could be asking her to promise. She wanted to be difficult but she decided that she at least ought to hear him out. After all that he had done she at least owed him that much.

"Don't ever leave like that again."

Hermione was silent for a long time wondering what she should say. She couldn't look into the future. She didn't have a crystal ball and, judging from her performance in Divination, even if she did it wouldn't be of much help. How was she supposed to know if there would ever be an occasion where she had to leave without telling him where she was going?

"If you promise never to lie to me again," she shot back. She wasn't sure that he had actually _lied_ about her parents but he had mislead her and omitted information and she was fairly certain that he understood, without her saying it, that those things were included.

"I promise," he replied.

"I promise," she said back to him. Although Hermione couldn't see it she had a feeling that there was a small smile on his face. She felt her heart warming towards him more than she wanted it to. What she really wanted was to turn around, wrap her arms around him, and tell him that she was sorry for worrying him. She had a feeling that would be dangerous in more ways than one so she settled for reaching down and putting her hand on top of his.

She felt more than heard his big sigh of relief.

"Thank you," he said into her hair.

What Hermione really wanted to say, but stopped herself from saying, was that she was the one that was thankful. The more that she thought about it, the more that she realized that as much as she would have liked to believe that she was strong enough to overcome everything that had happened to her in the last month she was wise enough to know that without him she might be in St. Mungos still feeling broken and unworthy. He had given her back her sense of self and she was thankful for that.

"I think we need to talk about what we are going to do next," Hermione said finally.

* * *

Severus sat on the bed while she was in the bathroom showering. He looked around the sparsely furnished room and the television set sitting in the dresser. He was half tempted to turn it on and watch it, as it had been decades since he'd actually watched television. However, he knew that he would be too distracted by his thoughts to concentrate on anything that he saw so there wasn't much of a point to that.

At the moment he was feeling rather relieved. As far as he could tell she was no longer furious with him. This pleased him to no end as last night he hadn't been so sure that she was ever going to speak to him again. The fact that she was at least talking to him gave him more hope than he'd had in the last twenty four hours. He had to admit that he was a bit worried about these "plans" of hers. Apparently all would be discussed after her shower.

Severus had been trying to come up with some plan to convince her that Grimmauld Place was the best place for her to be. He was quickly realizing that no matter what he said she was going to do what she wanted. Still, his first objective was to keep her safe. He'd just have to convince her that being out in the muggle world was not the safest place for her to be. While it wasn't particularly dangerous, as long as they stayed away from any place related to her, being at Grimmauld Place was so much safer. They had magical protections there. Protections that both of them needed if they wanted to stay alive for any significant about of time. She had other plans, he could feel it.

Finally he heard the shower stop and she came out of the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in the clothes that she had been wearing before. Apparently she hadn't packed very much when she had left Grimmauld. That at least gave him a starting point for his argument of them going back. She needed clothes didn't she?

His mind refused to answer that question.

"So, what are we going to do next?" Severus asked as he lounged back against the headboard of the bed. He was going to hear her plan and then he was going to do his best to make her see his point of view. He didn't have high hopes for his strategy working.

"I think that we should go find Gregorvitch. I know he's retired but surely he still has a few wands left, maybe in storage. Or maybe he can make one for me, or tell me where I might be able to find another one."

Severus inwardly sighed. He had been afraid that was going to be the plan. There were several reasons that he sincerely did not want to go traipsing around the country in search of the wandmaker. Several reasons and she was going to hear each and every one of them.

"Do you know how difficult that's going to be?" he asked wearily.

"I know that I need a wand. Unless you want to find Lucius Malfoy and ask him for it back I don't see what other options I have."

"We can wait and find some way to go back to Ollivander's in a few weeks."

"I don't want to wait a few weeks," she said stubbornly and he resisted the urge to rub at his temples. He had a feeling that, no matter what he said, he was going to be on the losing side of this debate. He was going to try regardless.

"It could be a month before we even find Gregorovitch," he countered.

"But at least I would be doing something. I can't stay locked up at Grimmauld Place forever. I'm tired of hiding. I need a wand, I need to be able to protect myself. If you don't want to go with me then I am perfectly capable of being able to go myself," Hermione said.

She had to know that if she was set on this course of action he wasn't simply going to give her his blessing and send her on her merry way. If she was really going to go through with this then he might as well resign himself to the fact that he was tagging along. He wasn't going to let her out in the world by herself without a wand. Someone had to protect her and it might as well be him. It wasn't because he felt obligated, it was because he wanted to.

"Do you realize that the main buyers of Gregorovitch's wands were students from Durmstrang? I'm sure that I don't have to remind you of that school's reputation. Do you not think that someone who associated so closely with them might have his own allegiances? Who's to say that he will even sell you, a muggleborn a wand? No muggleborns have attended the Durmstrang Institute for hundreds of years."

"I'll just have to take my chances then," she said. Severus was now sure that he was fighting a losing battle, if she was refusing to listen to valid points then there was really no point.

"Do you even know where Durmstrang is?" he asked her, knowing that she most likely did not know the answer.

"Not exactly. Up north somewhere," she said sheepishly.

"Up North somewhere? Well that's certainly specific. It's located in Norway."

"Norway?" she asked. She was quiet for a moment before continuing. "Well then I guess I'm going to Norway. Are you coming?"

"Of course I am. First we need to go back to Grimmauld place and get some things. If you are set on doing this I'm not going to travel through several countries with nothing but the close I'm wearing at the moment." If she didn't agree he didn't know what he was going to do. He supposed he could always go there without her and then apparate back. He just really didn't want to leave her here alone without any means of protection.

"Fine, but afterwards we're going to start our journey to Norway."

Severus was quite sure that Dumbledore was going to kill him if he found out about this but he was willing to risk it. For her. Surely he had gone insane.

A few minutes later they were back at Grimmauld place and Severus was relieved to find it empty. He had hoped that no one would be there, Dumbledore especially, because then he would have been forced to come up with some sort of a story. That wouldn't be a particularly hard feat, as her was good at lying, getting Dumbledore to believe it would've been the problem.

Severus went up to the room that he had intended to stay in through their duration at Grimmauld, thought he'd yet to sleep in. Spending the first night with Hermione, and then the second frantically looking for her had not exactly given him much time to spend there. He grabbed a black leather bag, and then began to meticulously fold his robes and set them inside. It was enchanted to hold a near unlimited amount of objects. He didn't see the purpose of grabbing any food as he had several destinations in mind and all of them would provide them with a roof over their heads and something to eat.

It might be wiser to stay hidden while they were looking for Gregorovitch but as long as they kept a low profile he was confident that they would be fine. Any dark wizards would be expecting them to remain in Britain. If they were miles and miles away they had less a chance of being spotted. Still, it might be best to use spells to conceal their identities.

Once he had packed everything that he needed, mainly his robes and a pouch full of galleons and sickles, he used a spell to shrink the bag to an acceptable size that would fit in his pocket and then he made his way downstairs. She had a pack of her own and she lifted it up for him to shrink it as well. He did and then she stuffed it into her pocket.

"Where are we going first?" she asked as she followed him to the door that would lead them outside so that they could apparate. Grimmauld place was much like Hogwarts as in you couldn't apparate while in the building.

"It's one of the smaller entirely wizarding villages to the north. It's called Magiskby." Severus hoped that he wasn't making a mistake. He didn't want to put her in danger but he felt like he was enabling it at the moment. It wasn't as if he had a choice, either he went with her or she went by herself and as far as he was concerned the latter was no choice at all. Once they had left the safety of Grimmauld Place he held onto her with one hand and his wand with the other and then the world began to spin.

* * *

Read and review and be the lovely inspirations that you all are to me! This coming week I'll be going on vacation so I don't know if I'll have time to write, or post, this story, blame my mother, she's kidnapping me and making me visit her. If I don't update I guarantee that there will be **definitely** be an update on the 18th. Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend and don't forget to read (and review, pretty, pretty, please) my other stories if you find yourself being bored with nothing better to do!


	20. Gratitude

Hermione looked around the room. It was sparsely furnished and looked surprisingly Muggle, at least in comparison to the Leaky Cauldron. Just thinking about the Leaky Cauldron caused her to have a wave of homesickness. They'd only been in the town of Magiskby for less than a day and Hermione missed the comfort of Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. It was strange being here. Not that she'd had much time to explore. Once Snape had apparated them within a mile of the town he had then disguised them with a spell and then they had walked to the town.

Hermione laid down on the bed with arms resting behind her head as she looked up at the ceiling. The walk to town was very memorable. It had been nice to be out in the fresh air and able to stretch her legs. It had also been nice to feel like things weren't broken between them. Hermione smiled to herself.

During their long walk they had ended up holding hands. She still wasn't sure exactly who had begun the holding. She just knew that it felt so unbelievably right to hold his hand, even when she looked up and saw a face that wasn't his. Her feelings for her former Professor were just as confusing as ever. Half the time she wasn't sure if she liked him or hated him. Either way the feelings were new to her.

Secretly she liked them.

Perhaps it wasn't much of a secret.

The town of Magiskby was a little bit larger than Hogsmeade but to her it seemed that it had a darker feel. She didn't like it and she didn't feel safe here. She did, however, trust Snape so if he wasn't worried, at least not overly so, then she wouldn't be either. He had thought that it was better for her to stay in their room while he went out and gathered information. Both of them were hoping that perhaps there was a wand shop in the town and they wouldn't have to track down Gregorovitch after all. She wasn't sure if the students of Durmstrang and Beauxbaton got their wands from Ollivander's or not. Surely Ollivander wasn't the only wandmaker, however Hermione wanted a wand of quality and if Ollivander suggested Gregorovitch and none others then she was sure that it was because any others didn't live up to his standards.

However, Ollivander was a crotchety old man so perhaps he had sent them on a wild goose chase. Either way she was going to get a wand whether she had to go all the way to France for one. It was worth it. It also helped that Snape was with her. Honestly, it made all of the difference. While she would have found some way to do all of this with or without his help it was definitely a huge comfort to have him there.

However at the moment he _wasn't_ there. Hermione hoped that he would be coming back soon. It wasn't exactly that she didn't think he could take care of himself, of course he could, and even on the off chance that he couldn't it wasn't like she would be much help without a wand. Part of it, was that she had finally decided that they needed to talk. She was tired of tiptoeing around whatever it was that they were doing. It was time for her to just tell him how she was feeling. She wasn't going to be eloquent about it, she didn't think that was possible, but she was going to try.

It was so easy to forgive him, it was so easy to enjoy his company, it was so easy to be around him and she found that strange. It was also so incredibly easy to enjoy the feeling of being close to him. That was something that she didn't experience on a regular basis and she wanted to know why, and if he felt the same way about her. What she was most afraid of was that she wasn't going to get the answer that she wanted and that the rest of this trip would be filled with awkward silences. Either way it would be better than keeping all of her thoughts to herself.

Hermione sorely wished that Ron and Harry were there, if only so that she could talk to them first. She was sure that wouldn't really get her anywhere. She couldn't even imagine what either one of them would think if they found out how she felt about Severus. She had a feeling that their response would be overwhelmingly negative. Not that she could blame them, Snape had never been the most trustworthy individual, at least not in their eyes, and she was sure that they wouldn't fail to point that out to her.

Well, Harry and Ron weren't there so that discussion was just going to have to wait. The longer the better, she was sure.

Hermione walked over to the window and looked outside. She had a view of the residential area of the town and there were about twenty houses sitting in nice, neat rows. She could also see the cobblestone road that wrapped around their Inn, _Alv Slottet_, which according to Snape meant fairy castle. Hermione, who had no understanding of Slavic languages, decided to take his word for it. It was a cute little Inn, much like a countryside bed and breakfast and she enjoyed its quaint nature.

Making her way back to the bed Hermione pulled out the latest edition of the Daily Prophet. She'd found it in the Lobby downstairs and was delighted to see that she could read it. According to Snape, the Daily Prophet generally translated itself into the easiest to read language based on who was reading it. There was nothing incredibly noteworthy in the Prophet but it passed the time all the same.

Before she knew it Hermione was glancing out the window only to see that the sun was beginning to set. She sat up on the bed and then made her way to the window again. Looking out, he was no where to be found, not that she had really expected to see him. She wasn't able to see the business district from their room and that was where he would have gone. She made her way back to the bed and waited. It seemed like she'd been sitting there for hours when finally she heard footsteps and then someone at the door.

Hermione felt a moment of panic but she told herself that it was probably Severus and she shouldn't worry. No one knew where they were and there was only a very small likelihood that someone was coming to do something to her. Still, in the back of her mind, all she could think about was Voldemort and Lucius. She never wanted to go back there.

When the door opened Hermione was rewarded with seeing the Snape-not-Snape but no matter what his face looked like, she was overjoyed to see him regardless. Something wasn't quite right but as far as she could tell he looked like he was in one piece. After a few seconds she realized that he was favoring his left arm. That explained it.

"Are you alright?" she asked as he sat down on the bed beside her. He shook his head and wordlessly handed her his wand. Hermione held it while he slowly pulled up the sleeve to his robe to reveal the Dark Mark. It was dark black and looked almost swollen. Hermione firmly held the wand in her hand and it felt so nice to be holding one, even if it wasn't hers. First she did a spell that would remove the glamour that was altering his looks. When that was done she did the first spell that would stop him from apparating should he touch the Dark Mark, and then she did the spell that would lessen his pain. At first the pain didn't seem to have lessened so she had to try twice more before it finally took effect. She hated that she didn't have her wand, the one that had never failed her. Once all three spells were complete, Severus collapsed back onto the bed with a long sigh.

"Better?" she asked as she handed his wand back to him.

"Much," he said with a small smile. Hermione looked at him and felt herself smiling in response. She was glad that she had been able to help, she didn't like seeing him in pain, especially if it was partly her fault to begin with. Still, she was relieved that he no longer had to go to Death Eater meetings. In her mind it was almost worth it. She wasn't sure that he would see it that way. Hermione laid down on the bed facing him, propped up on her elbow and resting on her side. She gave him a few minutes to collect himself.

"If the mark was causing you problems why did you wait so long to come back?" she asked finally. She almost felt like she was mothering him but he had to start looking out for himself a little better. This was the second night in a row that the Mark had caused him massive amounts of pain.

"I was in the middle of a conversation. I was actually getting directions. I've at least got a plan for tomorrow, nothing concrete, but at least it's something. Apparently Gregorovitch's last known address is somewhere North of here near a town called Harstad. It's a Muggle place, but has a place a bit like Diagon Alley. I was learning exactly how to access the magical community. It was important so I dealt with the pain."

"I worry about you," Hermione found herself saying. She was glad that they seemed to be making progress in locating the wandmaker but at the same time she didn't want him stuck being in pain. She neglected to tell him how she had been worried because he was gone so long. She didn't want him to think that she was silly.

"Don't. I've survived this long. I'll be fine. I suppose we should be falling asleep, it's starting to get late." Hermione agreed with him. They'd spent the majority of the day simply exploring the town and she was ready to sleep and head to their next destination. There was a little bit of shuffling around as they got under blankets. Neither of them bothered to take their robes off, it was much less complicated that way. Hermione looked over at him in the darkness, admiring the profile of his face. Well it was now or never.

"I have something I want to talk to you about," she said after taking a deep breath.

* * *

Severus turned towards her wondering what she wanted to talk about. He was trying to fall asleep quickly for more reasons than one. He wanted to block out the residual pain in his arm, but first and foremost he wanted to forget that he was once again laying in bed with her. He knew that he should have gotten them separate rooms but at the time it had just made more sense for them to share one. That way if something happened they were close to each other.

The feeling of her body so near to him was making him wish things that he shouldn't and making him think things that he didn't want to think. Really who was he kidding? He wanted to think them, he wanted to do them, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure where his strong sense of nobility was coming from but he kept telling himself that it was wrong to have the feelings for her that were slowly creeping up on him. She was his student, former, but student none the less. That wasn't even the most important thing. She trusted him to look out for her and to keep her safe and he wasn't going to use that trust to his advantage.

He wasn't going to seduce her, he wasn't going to hope that they could be something that they couldn't. He had to be content with being her friend, with helping her when she needed it and that's just what he was doing and here she was keeping him awake, making him think all of these thoughts that he didn't want to have. He had definitely put himself in an awkward place. The fact that he could feel the warmth of her body right next to him definitely wasn't helping matters.

"Hm?" he managed to ask when he realized that he hadn't answered her. He was tempted not to, just let her think that for now he was asleep. Any conversation that she wanted to have could take place in the morning when they weren't in bed together and so intimately close to one another.

"How do you feel about me?"

Severus internally groaned. It took a lot for him not to open his eyes and look at her. How did he feel about her? Well that was a loaded question. One he really didn't want to answer, especially not now. Was he making her uncomfortable? Could she sense that his feelings for her were truly beginning to cross the line from friendship into something else entirely? His mind was furiously working trying to come up with some sort of suitable answer. Of all the questions to ask it had to be that one, and now. She had horrible timing.

"How do you think I feel about you?" A question with a question. It was better than any answer that he could have come up with. He had to admit that he was curious to know her perception of him. It both intrigued him and almost scared him at the same time. It had been so long since he'd shared his feelings and emotions with someone that he was afraid that she would know without him telling her. That was a closeness that he wasn't ready for.

"I think you like me." What a complete understatement that was becoming.

"I think the fact that I'm traveling to another country with you, against my better judgement, might have been a hint," he said trying to diffuse the seriousness of the situation. He hoped that would be the end of the conversation. He could relent to telling her that he liked her. That was easy compared to other things that he could say to her. Could, but wouldn't.

"Aren't you the least bit curious to know how I feel about you?" Hermione asked.

Honestly he was. This whole conversation was piquing his curiosity. He wanted to know why she had brought it up to begin with and what her purpose was for asking him how he felt. He wanted to know why it mattered to her and how much it mattered. He really wanted to know how she felt. He wasn't going to appear too eager for the information though.

"I'd imagine that you think that I'm difficult and are getting tired of my company."

"Quite the opposite."

There it was. Had she really said that? Severus felt his heart begin to race. She couldn't have really said that. What exactly was she trying to say? He couldn't keep from wondering if maybe he was reading too much into her answers. Still, the fact that she wasn't tired of his company did mean something to him. In the last several years he hadn't ever spent so much time with one person. It had been over a month since he'd taken her to Hogwarts that night, and here she was, still wanting to be near him.

"Oh?" Again he tried not to let his interest show. A little voice in his head said that he shouldn't be perpetuating this conversation. He should end it, go to sleep, and forget everything that she was saying. That way he could stop the inevitable, feeling the loss of another person who realized that they could never... care for him. He couldn't help but have thoughts of Lily flash through his mind. He couldn't feel that again.

It had nearly destroyed him the first time. He didn't blame Lily for his decision to become a Death Eater but if she had chosen him over James Potter he knew that things would not have turned out the way that they had. He was bitter, yes, but still he didn't blame her. The loss of Lily had created a void that he never had any intention of filling. If he tried it was only going to end in disaster.

"Does it surprise you that I actually enjoy being around you? You've done so much for me, how can I not?"

"Gratitude makes people do strange things. I think your tolerance of me must be one of them." Again with his awkward attempt at humor to make himself feel better. When it came down to it he was afraid of what she felt. It was dangerous for him to have feelings for her, it was that much worse for her to have them for him. He was toxic and her feelings for him, if there were any, wouldn't cause her anything but misery.

"Strange things like this?"

Before Severus could even open his eyes to see what "this" was he felt something warm against his lips. It took him a few seconds to register that she was kissing him and then a few more seconds before his brain started working again. He was torn between two instincts, pull her closer or push her away. After a few moments the first one won out.

Hermione's lips were soft, just as he had always imagined that they would be. That was the only thing that he'd gotten right in his imaginings. Everything else was so much more intense than he had ever thought it would be. The smell of her, the taste of her lips, the feeling of her skin as he reached up and touched her face, it was all so vivid and real. He was completely speechless. He wasn't sure if that was the right word. It almost felt like the kind of speechless that you got when you were so scared that your body couldn't even make a sound. Terrified summed it up nicely.

It also felt so unbelievably perfect.

Severus kept himself from escalating the kiss, knowing that neither one of them were ready for anything else. He wasn't even ready for what they were already doing. Finally the kissing stopped and she rested the side of her face against his. He was sure that he could feel her smiling it and he couldn't help but smile in return. He had actually kissed Hermione Granger. Just the thought of it sounded insane to him.

He didn't know what to say so he didn't even attempt to fumble through anything. All the words that were coming to mind were not even enough for him to form full sentences. Perfect. That's what it was. She was absolutely perfect. The little dam inside that he had spent so much time building, broke and he felt a rush of emotions for her that he didn't want to acknowledge. He had to do what was best. He couldn't allow himself to be destroyed. He couldn't make the same mistakes he had made in the past.

"It's not about gratitude," she whispered. Her mouth was so close to his ear that it made him tremble.

Severus wasn't sure that he would be able to force any words from his mouth but he took a deep breath and told himself that he was doing the right thing.

"That's all it can be."

It took a few seconds for her to move away from him, but she did, and he didn't know whether to sigh in relief or despair. He laid there next to her, never feeling more alone.

* * *

Finally the kiss! I hope you all enjoyed it. Reviews are loved and make me do silly little dances. I'm working on a Hermione/Severus short story called "The Journal" which you are more than welcome to read so check it out and review that one too. Have a lovely weekend. Also if this story gets to 200 reviews I swear to track each and every one of you down and give you a gigantic kiss.


	21. Pensieve

Hermione tried her best to look anywhere but at him. She had to admit that it was more difficult than she had anticipated. It also wasn't easy to keep the scowl off of her face. It wasn't that she was necessarily angry with him, although she had to admit that there was a bit of that, but she was confused and she hated that he was the cause of it. She had been unable to sleep all of last night and it was his fault. He should've just kissed her and not said anything.

Hermione smiled to herself and wrapped her arms around her chest. It was a little bit windy and chilly outside and she hated that the only thing she wanted was for him to wrap his arm around her or hold her hand. Unfortunately she wasn't that lucky. She still couldn't believe that they had kissed, nor that she'd had the courage to initiate it. It had come upon her all of a sudden. Not a plan, just a reaction. One minute she had been talking to him and the next the urge had come over her so quickly and completely that she'd barely had time to examine and analyze it. She'd acted without thought and look how it had turned out.

Miserably. Absolutely miserably.

They hadn't talked since this morning. Well, she hadn't talked. Severus had graced her with one word and that had been a simple, "Ready?". She wasn't sure how he was feeling at the moment. If he was angry with her for what had happened or just uncomfortable with the whole situation. She was uncomfortable with the whole situation but at the same time at least she had her answer.

He didn't have any feelings for her.

Hermione had spent the whole night coming to terms with that and she could now say that she accepted it. He didn't have feelings for her and it was better that way. Now her feelings could fade and everything could go back to normal. She could be the Hermione Granger who had a wand, who was intelligent, and who didn't have feelings for her former Potions Professor. She wanted to get back to that and now she could.

At least he liked her, he had implied that much and she was at least content with that. Perhaps content was pushing it a little bit. It was still good to know that he didn't completely dislike her. Her mind thought back to the kiss the night before and she felt herself shiver. It had been years since she'd shared a kiss with someone and the kiss with Severus had been so different.

It had been intense, and warm, and a million others wonderful things that she couldn't even put into words. Part of her had wanted to continue kissing him, to do other things to him that she wasn't sure that she had the ability to do. To touch him in ways she wasn't sure that she was able, ways that he apparently didn't want. Again she told herself that it was for the best, this was Severus Snape after all.

Hermione looked over at him, wondering when they were finally going to reach their destination. She supposed that was what she got for not suggesting that they rent brooms. All of this silent walking. That, however, would have involved talking to him. They had reached the magical portion of Harstad a few hours ago at which point they had discovered that Gregorovitch's shop had been closed years ago. They had spent a little bit of time in the town, grabbing something to eat for brunch. Hermione had to admit that she enjoyed visiting other parts of the Wizarding World. Harstad was completely different from Diagon Alley. It was darker and had a more modern, expensive, feel than her beloved Diagon Alley. She couldn't say that she really cared for it.

A few hours spent wandering around the town in disguise had led them to find out that Gregorvitch lived a few miles away from the town itself. Here they were, searching for his house in the deserted middle of nowhere. Hermione hoped that their journey might be coming to an end soon.

Part of her was rather happy for it. Hermione was determined to go back to the Burrow once she got herself a wand. It was a hard decision to make but she was determined to make it. She was still a little weary about seeing Harry and Ron but she had to get over that fear eventually. She couldn't write them out of her life just because things had changed. They hadn't done anything to her. She felt damaged and she hoped that they would still love her anyway.

Hermione could see what looked like a chimney up ahead over the line of trees. Hopefully they didn't have much farther to go. They had silently decided that apparating was a little too dangerous so they had intended to make sure it was safe first. At least that's what she hoped they were doing. The lack of communication was getting on her nerves. Hermione looked over at Severus and he was looking in that general direction so she didn't say anything.

She wanted to smooth things over but she didn't know how to go about doing that. Did she pretend that it never happened or did she apologize? Frankly she didn't want to do either. There was that little voice in her head that told her that maybe he was scared and this was his way of distancing himself from her. As much as she wanted to believe that she couldn't. She wasn't going to talk herself into believing that there was anything there when there wasn't. Even if there was something there if he wasn't going to acknowledge it then there was no reason why she should. She couldn't change him, she wasn't even going to try.

A few minutes later they had reached what looked like a well made, two story, house. It was fairly quiet and the only thing that Hermione could hear was the regular noises from the surrounding trees. Either no one was home or the place was abandoned. While she didn't particularly want to wait in the cold for someone to show up she also didn't want to have come this far and still find no Gregorovitch. Still, this didn't look like any Wizard's house she'd ever seen. Although she had to admit that her experience was limited to the Burrow and that didn't exactly translate into normal. They began walking up the drive towards the large house when Severus stopped and looked at her.

"I think that you should stay here. I'll go make sure that it's safe," He said turning around and continuing up the path before she even had a chance to argue. Hermione decided that she might as well listen, there was no need for them to start arguing right there. She went off to the side of the path and then leaned against the back of a tree trying to stay out of sight. It was quite spooky here and she didn't relish waiting for him by herself, however she knew that he was more than capable of dealing with anything that came along.

A few minutes had passed and Severus still hadn't returned. Hermione was beginning to get worried so she decided that she might as well walk up the path and see where he was. She couldn't see the front door from her spot so she had to walk farther up the path. Once the door came into view she realized that it was wide open. She quickened her pace a little bit wondering where he was. If he had gone inside the least he could've done was let her know what he was doing.

Hermione reached the open door and peeked her head inside. None of the lights were on and she couldn't hear any talking or foot steps. She cursed Snape again for not telling her what he was doing or what was going on. Well, she wasn't going to wait for him at the door like some pet. With a deep breath Hermione walked inside. She entered the foyer. On either side there were two doorways and then ahead of her there were stairs. She decided to take the stairs.

Her footsteps seemed loud to her ears but she kept going. Hermione comforted herself with the fact that she could perform wandless magic, albeit not very well, but if she had to maybe she could find the focus to protect herself. While she wanted to believe that she had that ability she didn't really think wandless magic would be much help. It had taken so much out of her to apparate that she wasn't sure that she could pull off more than two or three spells at the most before she'd be unable to do anything more.

The house seemed empty. It wasn't entirely dark, due to the sunlight shining through the windows, but it was cold, and there was a thin layer of dust covering anything. She reached the top of the stairs where it branched off to the left and to the right. Hermione decided to take a right. There were six doors, all of them closed, as she made her way down the hallway. Holding her breath she opened the first door. It was completely empty.

"Severus?" she asked in a whisper.

There was no answer so she continued down the hallway. She felt nervous but she was trying to push it aside. Part of her was worried that she might get caught. She and her friends had gotten away with quite a bit at Hogwarts, but she wasn't in Hogwarts now. She was in a different country and she could possibly be arrested for breaking and entering. She told herself that Snape had probably done the actual breaking in, but she was still where she wasn't supposed to be.

The next room looked like a bedroom and she couldn't find anything of interest inside of it so she continued on, trying to hear any sounds that might mean that Snape, or someone else, was near by. She rationalized it by telling herself that Snape had probably decided to search the downstairs first.

Next was a study and it still looked like it was in pretty good shape. Hermione glanced over the books, most of them were about wandmaking and different magical properties. She walked around the room looking for some clue as to where Gregorovitch was. He had obviously left here some time ago, and in a hurry it seemed like.

Hermione walked over to the desk and began rummaging through the drawers. Most of them contained nothing but blank parchment. One of them was a series of invoices for different supplies dated almost a decade ago. One of the bottom drawers was larger than the other ones so Hermione attempted to open it.

Unfortunately it was locked. Hermione stared at the drawer, recognizing something familiar about it. It was very much like her father's desk at home. While the drawer could be opened with a key there was also a special latch underneath the desk that could pop it open. Hermione reached down and felt something cool and metal. She moved it and the drawer opened.

Hermione blinked as she saw something glowing. She reached down and pulled the drawer all of the way open. Inside there was a bowl with a wispy, white, substance floating in it. Hermione carefully lifted it out and sat it on the desk. She knew what this was, she had read about them and gotten a full description from Harry.

It was a Pensieve.

"Don't move."

* * *

"Don't move," Severus told her from the doorway. He had heard her walking around from downstairs and had come to investigate. He should have known that she wouldn't stay put and that she would follow him. He internally sighed at his stupidity. He had been so distracted by his thoughts that he had made a mistake. He was happy that so far the place seemed to be empty, however what he was looking at in that moment was a surprising development.

Hermione was standing at a desk, next to a Pensieve, and she was glowing. More precisely, her neck was glowing. At first he had thought that it was just a reflection, but that was not the case. She was actually glowing, and not listening to him, as usual.

"What did you think you were doing leaving me out there why you came inside?" she asked walking over to him while wearing the most exasperating expression. He had to remind himself not to find it cute. He couldn't help himself. There was just something about her that wouldn't allow him to stay annoyed or angry with her.

Severus had slept soundly the night before after the kiss her preferred to think of as the "incident". He was sure that it had more to do with the fact that he hadn't wanted to be awake to deal with his feelings than the fact that he was at peace. Waking up had put him no closer to any sort of answer about what he was going to do. It had been strange to wake up and not find himself holding her, as he had done the other times that they'd fallen asleep next to each other.

It had also been so hard not to talk to her but he didn't know what to say. He wanted to apologize for what he had said last night yet it was better that he keep silent. She didn't need to know how he felt, that would only complicate matters. He told himself that he was doing the right thing by pushing her away. It was self preservation and that was something that he had always been good at.

"I figured that you would be smart enough to stay there until I came back for you," he grumbled. The light that had been shining forth from her neck had faded as she walked away from the Pensieve. He looked at her quizzically, thoughts connecting and trying to make sense of it. This was very strange. Severus walked over to the desk and to the Pensieve. There was a memory in it, that much he could tell by the swirling strand of light.

Without saying anything he plunged his hand into it. Suddenly he felt like he was dropping out of the sky and when he blinked he was standing in very strange surroundings. There was a scene playing out before him and Severus studied it. Standing several feet away from him was a man with a white beared who Severus assumed was Gregorovitch. He was a with a woman who had brown hair that was fading to gray and who looked vaguely familiar, though Snape couldn't place her. He could, however, see where they were. It looked like they were in France, more precisely Paris, as he could see the Eiffle Tower in the distance. They were walking through the streets, hand in hand, and Severus followed them.

"I promise I'll come back Penelope. It will only be for a few more months and then I'll come back to you." His accent was thick and this confirmed to Snape that this was more than likely Gregorvitch. He had no idea who this Penelope was though. He knew that it was somewhere in his memory but he didn't know where.

"I'll be waiting for you. Only a few more months of teaching and then the children will be on vacation, you must hurry back to me before the academy begins again and I must split my time between you and Beauxbatons."

"I'll come back as soon as I can. I must be going now. I love you dear," he said giving her a tender kiss on each cheek as she smiled up at him. Severus felt the familiar feeling of falling again and then he was back in the room with Hermione looking up at him.

"What did you see?" she asked anxiously.

Severus again noticed the light coming from just below her throat. He took a step towards her and then deftly began to unbutton the collar of her robe.

"What are you doing?" she asked, but made no move to stop him. Finally he saw the source of the night, her necklace, that had a Gryffindor Pendant hanging from it, was glowing with a soft light.

"Will you hold on a minute?" he asked as he walked around behind her and lifted up her hair with one hand while the other attempted to unclasp the necklace. The sight of her neck momentarily distracted him but he managed to pull the necklace away from her. He walked back around while she looked anxiously at the necklace. Severus pointed his wand at the pendant and after a few seconds several thick, silver, strands began to float out of it. He almost dropped his wand in shock. He sent the strands back into the pendant and then looked at Hermione. She seemed as shocked as he was.

"You didn't take your memories of your capture and hide them in here did you?" he asked. It made sense. Several weeks ago she had told him that she wanted to be obliterated or her memories put in a Pensieve or altered so that she couldn't remember. He couldn't believe that she would store her memories without telling him,.

"No, I didn't. I swear. Who's ever those are they are not mine." He could hear it in her voice that she was telling the truth and he was beginning to get more excited with each passing second.

"What happened in the chamber with Voldemort? Right before I rescued you. Do you remember?" She was looking at him and he could tell that she didn't want to remember and that if it was up to her she wouldn't ever think about it again. He hated asking it of her but it was important that he knew as many details as possible.

"I told you. Lucius... assaulted me and then everything after that is a little bit hazy."

"Try to remember."

"I don't want to."

"This is important, you've got to try." Severus almost thought that she was going to refuse him but after a few moments she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. He intently watched her. She reached up to grab her necklace and when she realized that it wasn't there her hand fell back to her side.

"I heard Voldemort, I think, talking about me. Lucius dragged me forward. It smelled like death. I thought I was going to be sick. I thought I was going to die. He wanted... I don't know... I think he was going to use legilimancy. I didn't want him to read my thoughts. I wanted to keep them for myself. I felt his eyes, I think he might have been in my head, and then nothing but brightness. That's all," she said as she opened her eyes.

Severus felt the need to wrap his arms around her but he told himself that now was not the time for that. Everything was suddenly coming together. Perhaps when Voldemort had attempted legilimancy on her it had backfired and Hermione had used it on him, siphoning his thoughts and pushing them into her pendant.

There was only one way to find out for sure. Severus turned around, and pointing his wand at the pendant, he extracted the memory strands and then put them into the Pensieve where they began to swirl.

"I think you might have just discovered something that Voldemort doesn't want you to know. Something more important than his revenge on Potter. This could be what we've all been waiting for."

In truth it could. He had never seen Voldemort fly into such a rage as he had the few days after he had rescued Hermione. He had ordered every one of his followers to look for her and capture her. This had to be the reason. If they weren't her memories then they had to be his. Hermione Granger had possibly been walking around for longer than a month with Voldemort's memories hanging from her neck.

* * *

Two hundred reviews! Squeeeee! That is so awesome. Thank you all and enjoy the day and the rest of your weekend!


	22. Apparation

Hermione walked behind Snape as he made his way down the long driveway of Gregorovitch's house. She still couldn't believe what had happened just minutes ago. Severus had extracted the strands of memory from her locket and then placed them in the Pensieve. They had both looked at the memories together and while Hermione didn't know exactly what they saw, she did know that it had been important. Most of the fragmented memories hadn't been longer than thirty or so seconds but in them she was sure that they had discovered something worth knowing.

The first memory was that of a small golden cup engraved with a badger being handed to Bellatrix LeStrange. Voldemort was telling her to keep it safe because her life depended on it. She had frantically promised to keep it some place safe. That memory had been one of the shorter ones. Hermione still wasn't sure what it meant. Obviously the Badger was the symbol of the Hogwarts House Hufflepuff, but there was no reason why either Bellatrix or Voldemort should have something like that in their possession.

As far as Hermione figured perhaps it was a trophy that was, or had been, sent to Hogwarts for some destructive purpose. Snape had been quiet about his own thoughts and reflections about it.

The second memory had been a little bit longer. It was more flashes of memory than an actual complete one. There was a dark cave and a boat. They could see Voldemort holding something. He was then in the middle of the cave and in his hand was a large gold locket marked with an ornate, serpentine, 'S'. Hermione could've sworn that she'd seen it before but for the life of her she couldn't place it. They had then watched as Voldemort got into the boat and made his way through the water. As he left the water glowed red like blood and then the scene disappeared.

The third memory was the the strangest of all. It involved, Hermione found out from Snape afterwards, a young Tom Riddle. Hermione had recognized the figure that he was talking to because she had seen her many times around Hogwarts. It was the Grey Lady, the Ravenclaw Ghost. She was telling Tom, Voldemort, a story about how she had stolen the Diadem of Ravenclaw, a kind of tiara, from her mother, in an attempt to be more intelligent. She had then run away and hid in Albania where she secreted the diadem in the hollow of a tree. The Grey Lady had then been murdered by the Bloody Baron, who had then killed himself. Hermione had never heard this story and she found it unbelievably sad. In the memory as soon as the Grey Lady disappeared, Tom smiled.

The other memories had been too broken for Hermione to make much sense of. The one thing that she had managed to see was way more Voldemort than she had ever wanted to. Part of her had been afraid to look at the memories for fear that her torture might be in there somewhere. Experiencing it had been bad enough, watching it from someone else's point of view, seeing every second, she wasn't sure that she would be able to live with seeing it.

They were now going back to town, at least as far as she knew that was the plan. Severus had put her locket safely in his pocket and had the Pensieve tucked under his arm beneath his cloak. Once they had reached the end of the driveway he stopped.

"I didn't want to apparate off the property. It might have magical restrictions. We need to go back to Grimmauld Place and give this to Dumbledore. We need to call a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and get Potter to come."

"What? No. We can't go back now. We've come so far. I need to find Gregorovitch so that I can get a wand." Hermione had a feeling that she might indeed lose this argument. There was something in his eyes that told her that she was not going to be getting her way this time.

"Don't you understand? This is more important than your wand. This could actually be the key to Voldemort's downfall. These memories mean something to him or he wouldn't be tearing apart the content looking for them, for you."

"Can we at least go back to town and find some place to stay for the night? We can leave in the morning."

"What's the point of that? It's safer if we-"

Severus stopped and, from the last few days, Hermione had learned to recognize that look. She instantly got worried. Some thing was wrong and after a few minutes she realized what it was. It wasn't dark outside, not even nearing so, his mark was burning in the middle of the day. He seemed to have realized the oddity of it as well.

"Do... do you think that they know where we are?" Hermione asked in a panic. It would make sense. What if Voldemort was calling all of his followers to him to tell them all where they were so that they could all apparate here? With her wandless and Snape's Mark burning there would be no way they could escape.

"It's possible. I need you to take my wand. I want you to apparate us to Grimmauld," Severus said as he held his wand out to her. Hermione was loathe to take it. There were so many things that could go wrong. She sometimes had trouble with his wand and if it decided to be temperamental during apparation that could leave the both of them splinched. The thing that concerned her most of all was the fact that they were probably two thousand miles away from London. Even if she had her wand she would still be a little dubious on whether or not she would be able to perform such a feat.

"Listen to me Hermione. I need you to do this." It looked as if she was not going to be finding Gregorovitch anytime soon. She felt her heart fill with disappointment. She reached forward and took his wand. It was warm where he had been holding it.

"What if the reason that Voldemort is calling all Death Eaters to him is because they found the location of the Order. We could be walking right into a whole horde of them," she reasoned. It was, after all, a possibilty.

"That's unlikely. Either you apparate us or I will," he said through clenched teeth. He was right, as much as she didn't want to admit it getting the memories to Dumbledore _was _more important. Knowing that it would be even more dangerous for Severus to attempt such a distance in his current state she grabbed onto his arm and began the process. Hermione went through the three D's of apparation - Destination, Determination, and Deliberation. Right as the world began to feel like it was being sucked from them Hermione saw a bright flash of red light.

She stumbled as she felt firm ground beneath her feet and looked up to see that they were back in London, standing in front of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Even now the building was moving apart to reveal the entrance. Hermione looked over at Severus and was happy to see that he had survived in one peace. Still arm-in-arm they walked up to the door and Hermione used his wand to open it. They went inside and as far as Hermione could tell the place was empty but for her and Snape.

Hermione looked over at him to see that he was in visible pain. She pulled him into the kitchen and managed to do the spells that would ease his pain when she suddenly found herself getting dizzy. She had to steady herself against the wall for support.

"Are you alright?" Snape asked from his post in the chair at the table. He genuinely seemed concerned for her and Hermione felt her lingering anger towards him fade away. She knew that he was right. It still didn't make her feel all that better. She keenly felt the loss of her wand.

"I think I just need to lay down," she said feeling a wave of exaustion and nausea. She figured that she had the Muggle equivalent of motion sickness. Never again was she apparating such long distances. Now she understood why it was so dangerous.

"I'll come with you," Severus said as he got up and offered her his arm. Hermione took it and they walked up the stairs together. It felt so nice to be close to him and her mind wandered to what had happened in Magiskby. The question of how he felt, the kiss that had come afterwards. He still had never given her a straight answer. She still wanted one.

She told herself that now was not the best time to bring it up. She was going to get an answer if it killed her. She hated having the wall that had set itself between them. They needed to talk and as soon as the world stopped spinning they were going to have one.

Was she afraid of what his answer might be? Yes, but at this point it was better than not knowing. If he didn't really care about her she wanted to hear it. They finally reached her room and Hermione was actually glad to see it. It seemed like it had been longer than just three days since she'd left. It was nice to lay down in a familiar bed. Severus sat down on the bed beside her.

"Are you sure that you're going to be alright?" he asked, laying his hand on her shoulder.

Hermione nodded and closed her eyes, hoping that the chaotic waves in her stomach would pass soon.

"I'm sorry that we weren't able to continue our search for your wand. You will get one eventually. I promise. This just takes precedence at the moment. I'm going to go owl Dumbledore and then I'll come back."

Hermione nodded with her eyes tightly closed. She heard the door shut and then she took a breath. One of the reasons that she hadn't wanted to come back was because she didn't want Harry to defeat Voldemort. Not yet, not when she didn't have her wand. How was she supposed to make Lucius Malfoy pay for what he did to her if she didn't have a wand? She wasn't going to let Harry defeat Voldemort and then have Lucius captured and sent to Azkaban for the rest of his life. Prison was too good for him.

He deserved to die.

* * *

Severus watched the owl take off from the window and hoped that it would reach Dumbledore soon. He was sure that first thing in the morning, if not sooner, Dumbledore would be there and they could discuss what all of this meant. Severus was sure that those memories were important. He just didn't know the specific reason. Hufflepuff's Cup, Slytherin's Locket, Ravenclaw's diadem. it all spoke of a plan, and the sooner the more people knew about it, the sooner they could put the pieces together and figure out what it all meant.

As soon as that was done he would help Hermione find Gregorovitch. France, Beaubatons Academy of Magic more specifically, would probably be their next destination. However something was worrying him and he was loathe to tell her. Right before they had apparated, mere seconds before they had disappeared, he had seen the Death Eaters. A stunning charm had nearly hit them and he was glad that she hadn't seen them. With that break in her concentration they might not have made it there safely. He didn't want to tell her how close they had been to death, or even worse, at least in her case, capture. If she was taken he knew that she wouldn't be able to live through it all again. Lucius would make sure of that.

Severus felt bad for the fact that she wasn't feeling well but he'd had no other choice but to make her do the apparation. If he could have spared her that then he would have. He sat down at the table in the kitchen for awhile just thinking about what the memories might have meant.

More than an hour later he was still no closer to figuring it out, although several theories were bouncing around in his head. He that he should go make sure that Hermione didn't need anything, perhaps a potion to help her sleep if she wasn't asleep already, he made his way back up the flight of stairs. He walked into the bedroom to find her fast asleep. He was glad that she was resting but at the same time he wished that she was awake so that he could enjoy her company.

Deciding that until Dumbledore responded back to him there was little he could do, he sat down on the bed next to her. He wasn't especially tired so he_ accio'd _the Daily Prophet and began reading it as he tried to figure out how Voldemort had found out where they were. There was nothing particularly interesting in the paper. There had been a reduction in Dark activity it seemed. Severus was sure that it was just the calm before the storm.

Severus wondered if perhaps the reason that the Death Eaters had known where they were had been completely accidental. Maybe they had actually been looking for Gregorovitch themselves. Severus was in no way fully informed of all of Voldemort's plans. He wasn't sure that there was a single person in the world that was. He did know that Voldemort had side projects everywhere. Maybe Gregorovitch had something to do with one of them.

That made more sense than anything, unless they had interrogated Ollivander and discovered that Hermione had tried to find a wand and that he had suggested Gregorovitch. That was also a possibility and a likely one. When, or if they, resumed their search for a wand they would have to be much more careful. He couldn't afford to lose her. That was a risk he wasn't willing to take. She was the one thing that actually mattered to him.

After awhile he began to doze, still almost half awake, just enjoying the peace and the comfort of being close to her. She shifted and he felt her arm wrap around him and he smiled sleepily. For a moment he allowed himself to wish that he could spend the rest of his days like this, laying next to her, wrapped in her arms. It was a feeling that he was getting used to even though he was fully aware that he shouldn't be.

He _really_ shouldn't be.

It took a moment for him to work up his resolve enough to get up and go back downstairs but he made up his mind to do it. He moved to make his way off the bed and she held on to him.

"I want you to stay," she mumbled sleepily. He looked over to see that her eyes were open.

"I really should go downstairs," he said, although the fact that she was asking him to stay pretty much guaranteed that he would. Either he stayed or he'd be standing outside of her door, kicking himself, and regretting leaving. He settled back down on the bed and she took that opportunity to move closer. Her head resting on his shoulder. He couldn't deny that it felt good to have her near.

"Much better," she said, as her warm breath his his neck and sent shivers down his spine.

"How are you feeling?" he asked trying to block out any and all sensations that he was having that he shouldn't. There were quite a few of them.

"Fine, however I don't think I am ever apparating again."

Severus could understand that although he was sure that once she got her wand her mind would change. He again felt guilty for making her apparate all the way back to London, but at the same time it had been easier than standing there discussing some other place. He was glad that he had made the quick decision, those few seconds had mattered.

"Look at me."

The request came out of nowhere and he was so startled that he did look at her. She was staring up at him with her beautiful brown eyes. He felt his resolve to not kiss her crumbling. There faces were just inches apart. Suddenly her hand was tracing it's way up his neck, to his face. He relished the warmth, she was making it so difficult to think clearly.

"In Magiskby you never answered my question," she said softly. The question. He knew what question. How did he feel about her?

He couldn't give her an answer, there was just no way to give her an answer. The amount of courage that would take... well he just didn't have it.

"You didn't want to answer that question. I have another question. How did it feel to kiss me? I've been laying here, awake, since the moment you came back in here and I need to know. If you don't want to continue things, if you don't believe that I feel anything but gratitude, that is fine. But tell me how you felt, before I lose the courage to ask you again."

Severus stared at her wondering what he could say. He wanted to know how she felt as well but he was content not knowing. It was easier that way. He didn't understand why she had to ask. Why she had to make this harder on him. Not impressed by his silence she seemed to have decided to take matters into her own hands. She learned forward and touched her lips to his.

"How does this make you feel?" she asked.

Fire. He felt like every inch of his body was on fire, and he liked it. Still not satisfied by his lack of answer she kissed him again.

Severus couldn't help but give in and pull her even closer. His hands were tangled in her soft hair and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her again. Again and again, but he couldn't. They couldn't. He had already let it go too far. He had to walk away now or he knew that he would never be able to. He had never allowed himself to feel so much for someone, not since Lily and that had nearly destroyed him.

It had destroyed him.

"We can't do this," he said, loathe to pull away, to distance himself from the smell of her hair and the feeling of being so close to her. He looked into her eyes, they were so beautiful, she was so beautiful, but he couldn't let himself be pulled into her, he had to get away. He sat straight up and had almost made it off the bed before she grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving.

"Why? Why won't you let me in? Why 'can't we do this'?"

"There are plenty of reasons, Herm – Miss Granger." Because he had to. Because kissing her felt too right. Too perfect. Nothing that felt that wonderful was meant to last, at least not in his life.

"So we're back to formalities now? Well, give me a reason then, one good reason," she challenged and there was something in her eyes that wouldn't let him look away, wouldn't let him hide.

"I'm old enough to be your father." He had been hiding behind that insecurity although it was true. He was so much older than her he couldn't fathom how she could want him. That was just one of the many, many, reasons.

"You're not my father so that doesn't matter. I said a good reason and if that is the best you can come up with then this is pointless."

"I'm a Death Eater," he could see that it had made some sort of impression. She didn't look happy and he almost regretted giving her a reason. It had to be done. There was no way around it and the sooner they both realized it the better.

"You _were_ a Death Eater, you aren't anymore, not in the way that it matters. Your heart is in the Order, you are a good man and what ever else you do it doesn't matter."

She believed he was a good man. He had waited for so long to hear that from someone. To have someone believe in him. He had waited his entire life to hear those words, to believe those words, and now he had to walk away. He had no other choice. Walk away while the hurt was small or let this, let her, completely tear him to pieces in the end.

She continued on her rant.

"Those aren't reasons, those are excuses. If you don't care for me at all, that's a reason. Just because you were born before me or you sometimes have to do bad things to help the Order, those are not reasons. Why can't you just be honest with me?" she asked looking into his eyes with such emotion that he was taken aback, and afraid of what it meant.

"The reason is because of all the things that I deserve in this world your... affection... is not one of them," he said quietly, walking out the door.

She didn't follow him.

* * *

Thank you for reading, please leave a review, I appreciate them so very, very, much. Have a fantabulous weekend!


	23. Friends

Hermione laid in bed trying desperately to sleep but unable to. She didn't know where Severus was and she couldn't bring herself to work up the courage to go look for him. He was right, he didn't deserve her affection, no one did. She felt tears spring to her eyes again and she brushed them away. She had decided that she was done with crying two hours ago and that was the way that it was going to be. No more tears.

No matter the fact that he didn't want her.

That no one wanted her.

Hermione squeezed her eyes tightly shut, whether against the tears or the memories, she couldn't decide. She felt helpless, absolutely and completely helpless. Just like she had in that chamber with Lucius and Voldemort. Helpless, helpless, helpless, it was a feeling that she was getting all to used to. No matter how hard she tried to do something, to make decisions for herself, she always ended up helpless.

She didn't have a wand, she didn't have anything, and she hated it.

Hated herself most of all for everything that had happened. It all seemed like it was her fault. Severus' exposure, her parent's death, the fact that she was here, the fact that she was wandless, the fact that she had pushed him away when her only intent had been to bring him closer. Of course he would push her away. She was damaged. As much as she tried to move past it, to make herself whole, that fact didn't changed.

Hermione had spent the last month helping Severus with his potion, dealing with her parent's death, trying to find herself a wand, trying to do everything but deal with her feelings and now it was all coming back to haunt her. If she didn't acknowledge it, what had happened to her, then everything would go away. Wasn't that the way that it was supposed to work?

She had never felt more alone.

Hermione missed the person that she used to be. The person who had everything. Friends, family, a wand, a future. Now she was laying there with nothing, absolutely nothing. What was she going to do once this as all over? When was it going to be over? She couldn't stay here forever hiding out in this room for the rest of her life. What kind of life was that? What kind of life did she have now? Hermione wanted nothing more than to go find Severus so that she could expel all of the venom she was feeling but at that moment she felt like she couldn't.

With a heavy sigh she finally fell into a restless sleep. She woke up many times throughout the night, always from dreams or nightmares that she couldn't remember. It always presented with the same feeling. Hopelessness. Absolute hopelessness. Finally she saw the light of dawn filtering through the window and Hermione decided that it was a new day and she wasn't going to spend it crying in bed. She went to the bathroom and showered and then, stepping out and wrapping a towel around her, she looked in the mirror. She looked older than she remembered. She supposed some of it might be the dark circles under her eyes and the fact that they were still red from crying, and the frown that seemed permanently branded onto her face. She felt much older than eighteen. Almost nineteen, she reminded herself, as her birthday was in a little over a month.

Hermione got dressed, pulled her hair back, and then decided that she didn't have the nerve to go down to the kitchen, not that she was particularly hungry anyway. She pulled a book off of the battered bookshelf in her room and then she sat down on her bed, her legs crossed, the book laid out before her.

She had read a few chapters when all of a sudden she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. They were going at a fairly fast pace and it didn't sound like Severus. She felt her heart plummet to her stomach in fear. Suddenly the footsteps stopped and then there was a knock at the door.

Hermione felt her voice tremble. "Come in," she said, feeling like she was ready to have a heart attack. She knew who it was, the someones it was, and that scared her more than anything. The door opened and standing there in the doorway was Ron, with Harry standing right behind him.

In that moment she felt like the world stopped. She could hear her heart pounding furiously in her chest. Why weren't they saying anything? It was so damn silent. Harry was the first to step forward. He walked into the room slowly, as if he was afraid that she was going to run away from them like a frightened animal. That thought made her simultaneously want to giggle and burst into tears.

"Morning, Hermione," he said cheerfully, as if he was supposed to be there and nothing was out of the ordinary. Hermione wondered why Severus had not come up here to give her some sort of advanced warning that they would be coming so soon. Maybe he hadn't known? Of course he had known. He hadn't told her because he didn't want to see her.

Hermione looked over at Ron who was still standing at the door looking around the room awkwardly. For the first time Hermione realized how entirely sheltered she had been this whole time. The only person she had been around was Snape, on occasion Dumbledore, Ollivander once, and then a few random hotel clerks. She suddenly missed that solitude.

Pretend. Pretend. Pretend.

Hermione repeated those words in her head like a mantra. Everything was okay. Everything was fine. It had to be. Everything was fine.

"Feel free to sit down, I'm not going to bite. Regardless of the fact that you have interrupted my reading," she said briskly but plastered a grin on her face. The nervousness surrounding Ron seemed to immediately fade away and he walked forward and then sat down on the bed next to her. Harry proceeded a little more cautiously and sat down towards the end of the bed.

"We've missed you Hermione," Ron said sincerely. Hermione again felt the urge to cry but she made herself stop it. They wanted to see a happy, okay, her so that was what she was determined to give them. Damn Snape for not warning her.

"I've missed you too," Hermione said, trying to put as much feeling in it as possible. It sounded fake, even to her but ,she smiled anyway, hoping that they wouldn't notice. They didn't seem to and if they did they were pretending not to. She mentally thanked them for their apparent obliviousness.

"How have you two been?" she asked wanting to steer the conversation as far from herself as possible. She didn't want to talk about what had happened, she didn't want to talk about what she had been doing. She wanted to pretend that the last month had not happened.

Hermione listened to them talk and tried not to feel much of anything while she did. Harry had applied for a job at the Ministry of Magic and Ron had just finished tryouts for a spot on the Chudley Cannon's reserve team. He was optimistic about his chances of at least getting to be a member of the reserve team and then getting an official spot. As he happily pointed out, the team as a whole was quite accident prone so he was bound to get to play eventually.

Once that conversation was over, Hermione proceeded to individually ask about every member of Ron's family. Bill was the only one that wasn't doing well. He had been attacked by Death Eaters and had barely escaped. Thankfully they had found him in time and, more than a month later now, he had nearly made a full recovery. When Hermione mentioned Ginny, Ron stopped and looked over at Harry, as if waiting for him to jump in.

"Go on mate," Ron encouraged him with a grin.

"I sort of asked Ginny to marry me," Harry said sheepishly. Hermione was sure that her facial expressions mirrored her surprise. Ginny and Harry had gotten quite close throughout the last few years, but marriage? It all seemed as if it was going a little too fast. Then again the whole world seemed to be speeding by without her.

"Did she say yes?" Hermione asked and Harry nodded. "Congratulations," she said, not knowing whether or not she truly meant it. Here was Ron, ever so close to his dream of playing for his favorite Quidditch Team, and Harry was engaged and going to be working for the Ministry of Magic. She felt like a complete and absolute failure.

They had been talking for nearly a half hour when Harry glanced regretfully at the door.

"We should probably be going down stairs before they start without us. Are you coming?" asked Harry as he got off the bed. Hermione could only assume that there was going to be some sort of meeting in regards to the necklace and Voldemort's memories.

Hermione shook her head and pointed to the book that was still laying open in front of her. "Reading to do. You know how I am," she said with a blindingly false smile.

Harry smiled back and then walked towards the door waiting for Ron. Ron leaned over, gave her a hug with one arm, and the jumped off the bed and walked to the door.

"We're probably going to be staying the night. We'll come find you once the meeting is over with. Alright?" he asked hopefully. Hermione could do nothing but nod. Once they were gone she got up off of the bed and locked the door behind them. She then sat down on the floor and felt the tears begin to fall from her eyes in an uncontrollable flood. The worst part was, she wasn't entirely sure why.

* * *

Severus sat in his chair at the kitchen table, his arms crossed against his chest, absently listening to Dumbledore. He really shouldn't have allowed them to go up there. Not that he'd been given much of a choice. The moment they had apparated there their first thought had been to see her. He could have protested, he had wanted to, but he had resolved himself to the fact that she needed to see them. He wished he would have at least told her that they were coming.

He hoped that she was ready.

He really should have told her. Severus again glanced towards the door, straining his ears, hoping to hear some comforting sound. Some bit of laughter coming from the upstairs. He heard nothing. It had been nearly twenty minutes and still Potter and Weasley hadn't appeared. He told himself not to worry. Surely if something had gone wrong they would come and get him? He noticed that he was impatiently tapping his foot against the table and Arthur Weasley was glaring at him. Severus looked around the table at the other members of the Order that had appeared. There were several Weasleys, Tonks, Lupin, Dumbledore, Moody, and Kingsley Shacklebolt. They were all patiently waiting for Harry and Ron to return.

Severus wanted them to appear already. He had half a mind to go up there and make sure that she was okay. He again felt guilty for just springing them on her. He kept trying to tell himself that it really was for the best. She needed her friends and her friends needed her. It was as simple as that. He was giving her what she needed. The space that she was trying, unsuccessfully, to fill with him. He couldn't be what she needed.

He sighed and waited for them to return. Several minutes later he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He looked at the door expectantly and he had to admit that he was a little disappointed when only the two of them walked through the door. He had been hoping that she would join them. He wanted to see her, to make sure that she was okay. He wanted to ask Harry and Ron what had happened, how they had been received, but they were in a room full of people and he couldn't bring himself to ask.

Dumbledore sat the Pensieve in the middle of the table and then Severus gave a short explanation about what had happened. He tried to keep Hermione out of it as much as possible but it was necessary that he explain the situation fully. He briefly touched on her capture, and then went right to what had happened when he had appeared in the chamber to rescue her. The white, blinding, light, Voldemort's scream. How, ever since that night Voldemort had been fervently looking for Hermione for some inexplicable reason. He then told them how they had found a Pensieve, he left out the where and who's Pensieve it had been, and how the necklace had been glowing. He then told them all how Voldemort had tried to use legilimancy on Hermione and how it seemed to have backfired, somehow forcing some of his memories into the necklace that she had been carrying around for the last month or so.

Dumbledore then took over from there, handing out parchment and quills to everyone present so that they could take notes on what they were about to see. Severus had spent the early morning discussing everything with Dumbledore so he really didn't see the point in staying. He was interested in hearing everyone else's theories but at the same time he needed to make sure that she was alright, that his choices hadn't caused her any harm. Honestly, well, honestly he hoped that she had been happy to see her friends.

So happy in fact that when they left tomorrow she would go with them. He ignored the dull ache in his chest, telling himself again, for the millionth time, that it was for the best. It was time for her to move on, without him. She belonged with her friends and it wasn't doing either of them any good to stay near each other. He stood up and silently moved towards the door, no one asked him to stay. He knew that Dumbledore had sensed that something was wrong. The Headmaster had attempted to ask him about her earlier but Severus had evaded the questions.

With good reason. He wanted to fix this as quickly as possible before it got even more complicated. He didn't want, or need, Dumbledore's advice. He knew what the advice would be and he just couldn't accept it. Dumbledore couldn't be right all of the time. The plan was for her to leave with Harry and Ron, they would go off to save the day, as usual, and he would remain there, alone, reveling in his solitude. Solitude was something that he sorely missed. That and piece of mind, another thing that he had been without since the moment he had saved her.

Although he had to admit he had been given other things. Wonderful things. Companionship, friendship, affection, he just wasn't sure if the torment he was feeling was worth it. He finally made it up the stairs to her room and he knocked on the closed door. There was no answer. He tried the knob but it was locked. He pressed his forehead against the door and sighed. This wasn't good.

"Hermione?" he asked, using her name in an effort to get her to open up. He wasn't above using his wand to open the door if he had to. He wanted to give her the choice. He didn't want to invade her privacy, yet at the same time he needed to make sure that he hadn't hurt her, once again. As much as he wanted to push her away, hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do. Especially if she thought that it was on purpose. He had hoped seeing her friends would be therapeutic, let her know that there were people out there who loved her. Like he couldn't.

He really hated that word.

Severus knocked again and again it was met with silence. What to do? Risk upsetting her even more or do what had to be done to soothe the uneasiness that he felt? He was spared having to choose when he heard a small click, indicating that the door was unlocked. He slowly opened it and walked inside. She was sitting on the bed, a book in her lap. Looking like she hadn't even moved. She answered his silent question on how she had unlocked the door, with a wave of her hand the door shut behind him and locked with a click. She was getting much too good at this wandless magic. The only one that Severus had ever seen do such things were highly advanced wizards, mainly Dumbledore. Her subtle power awed him.

Trying not to feel too uncomfortable he walked forward and took a seat at the edge of her bed. It was obvious that she had been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she looked composed. He supposed that was a good thing. He wasn't sure what he would do if she started crying. Hold her suppose, and never want to let go.

"Did you know that they were coming?" she asked, still reading her book, not even looking at him.

"Yes," he said honestly. He figured that it was pointless to lie to her. It was better to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. If she hated him it wouldn't be worse thing in the world .It would actually make this all easier. He wanted it to be easy to let go of her.

"Do you think that it was fair not to tell me?" Her eyes remained glued to her book.

"It wasn't fair bit it had to be done. It was time for you to see them again. They wanted to see you. Did it go well?" he asked. He wanted to hold her hand, really wanted to. He wanted to let her know that he hadn't meant to hurt her, that he only wanted her to be well and healthy.

"I think I should have been given a choice as to whether or not it was time," she said and he could sense the anger in her voice.

"I think that you should go with them when they leave tomorrow." There he had said it. No tip-toeing around it. He told himself that there was nothing wrong with his suggestion. She would be happier at the Burrow, with her friends, with the Weasleys, people who were not deathly afraid to show their affection for her.

"Is that what you want?" she asked, her eyes finally looking up from the book and into his eyes. She was really angry now, he could feel it radiating off of her like a tangible thing. He didn't answer her. He couldn't look at her and give her the answer that he wanted to.

"It's what will be best for you."

"Is it what you want?" she asked again. He felt obligated to answer her. Wanting her to know that it wasn't anything that she had done. It was him and his inability to deal with his feelings anymore. Did he want her? Of course, without question. yet he couldn't have her.

"No, it's not what I want," he finally admitted. It might not be what he wanted but it was what he needed. He needed to be far away from her so that he could forget the way he felt. The way he wanted, the way he hoped, the way he desired. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't look at her and into her brown eyes and war within himself every single time. He was so tired of fighting. He just had to let go. Let her go. He _needed_ her to go.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed. Reviews make me happy in the pants so do your part to contribute!


	24. Choices

Hermione fought against the desperate surge of hope that she felt in her heart as she repeated those words to herself. He didn't want her to go. Those words buried themselves in her heart and began to blossom. He didn't want her to go. Just the thought that he actually wanted her to stay filled her with many emotions. She was surprised to find anger among them. How dare he come in here and tell her to leave when he didn't mean it. She amended the thought, he probably meant it alright, but it wasn't what he _wanted_.

When was he going to get over it and stop trying to do what was best for her? She knew what she wanted and the fact that he was telling her what to do, making her mistrust her feelings, making her mistrust _his_ feelings, well, it made her a little infuriated. She was going to let him know exactly how he was making her feel.

"You want me to stay?" she asked, wanting to hear him admit it just one more time before she blasted him for telling her to leave. She was still upset by the fact that he had known Harry and Ron were going to be visiting and she was saving that discussion until after she confronted him about this point. He was so _infuriating_. She looked at him waiting for him to say something and he just gave her a simple nod. She found her anger growing.

"If you want me to stay then why ask me to leave? You think that I want to go with them? I don't! Doesn't it matter what I want? What I _need_? I know what makes me happy. I know who I feel safe with, who I feel happy with and yet you decide to disregard all of that simply because you can't face what you want and what you feel?" Hermione had to take a deep breath. It felt like she had spilled all of that out without even stopping to take a breath. She felt her face redden.

Severus had allowed her to sit up here in her room feeling sorry for herself. Feeling like she was unwanted and broken just because he didn't want to admit the truth. Well, she was not going to have any of that from now on. She was tired of being pushed away. She wanted, no _needed_, more than that. He was looking anywhere but at her and she patiently waited for a response. None came.

"I should leave," he said making to get off of the bed. Hermione sighed in exasperation. He was walking away. She couldn't believe that he was walking away. This was the man who had faced the wrath of Voldemort for countless years. Lived with the thought that at any moment Voldemort could find out where his allegiances lay. He had gone through so much and he had survived. Now he was running from her. She didn't know whether to feel flattered that she seemed to instill such a fear in him or insulted. Was he really that afraid that he might damage her in some way. Or even worse yet, that she might damage him?

"Please. Don't." Through all of the feelings of frustration and anger Hermione knew that him leaving was the last thing she wanted. She just wanted to understand how he could so easily suggest that she go with Ron and Harry. Why he didn't ask her to stay with him if that was what he really wanted. Severus seemed to hesitate for a moment and then he settled himself back onto the edge of the bed. They sat and looked at each other.

Hermione's eyes traveled over the sharp planes of his face. His porcelain white skin seemed even paler in contrast to his dark hair. She yearned to reach out and touch him but she fought back the urge. That wouldn't do any good, not here, not now. She didn't know which one of them was more wounded. She was afraid of never again being... cared for, and he was afraid of caring. What a pair they were. He must have caught her sardonic smile.

"What if I told you that I wouldn't go with Harry and Ron?" she asked trying to fill the silence. She wanted him to ask her to stay. She was quite sure that he wouldn't. He seemed to consider the question before answering.

"I'd tell you that if you didn't go then I was going to leave," he stated plainly. Hermione tried not to let the matter-of-fact tone in his voice hurt her. It did anyway.

"So you'd just leave. Abandon me?" Hermione purposefully threw that word out there. She wanted him to know what it felt like. He needed to understand the full implications of what he was doing to her insides. They all felt like they were breaking. She was under no illusions about how she felt about him. She wanted to be. She wanted to forget the way she melted when they touched, or the way her heart froze when he pushed her away. She didn't want to feel things like that. It would be so much easier if she could just make them disappear, but she couldn't. Deep down inside she didn't want to.

"Yes." The word lingered in the air and Hermione hoped that he hadn't seen her flinch. "You can go with your friends, you can move on, forget all of this. Forget me. It will be like I never existed. "

Like he never existed? The only way that was going to happen was if she was obliviated or someone stole her memories. Forget _him_? Just the very thought of it gave her chills. She didn't want to forget him. She wanted to remember every moment that involved him. Even the bad ones, even the ones when she hated him. They were all so precious to her. She could no longer imagine a world in which he did not exist.

Like he never existed? That wasn't going to happen.

"Why would I ever want to forget you?" When he looked at her he looked pained and she simultaneously regretted and prided herself on her words. She didn't want to hurt him but honestly he was bringing it all upon himself. All he had to do was let himself fall. She was willing to try and that scared her. These last few months had been an arduous climb up a dangerous mountain. If she was willing to fall in the hopes that he would be there then why couldn't he?

She was absolutely terrified but she was willing to try. She wasn't the one running away.

"I can't be what you want me to be... what you need," Severus explained, his eyes looked everywhere but at her. Again Hermione resisted the urge to go to him and pull him close. She was angry with him after all. Incredibly angry.

"How do you know that?" she asked levelly. One good answer and she would let him go. All he had to do was say that he didn't care about her, that there wasn't a single part of him that wanted her in any way. That was what it was going to take. She wasn't going to have it any other way. If he could say that and mean it, then there was nothing that she could do. If he could say that and lie to her, then there was no use in being with someone who could hurt her like that.

It would hurt.

"I've never been enough for anyone," Severus began. Hermione wanted to tell him how wrong he was. "Nothing that I have ever done has ever been enough. In my misguided youth I tried to be 'evil', I tried not to care and what happened? I ended up with the death of the only woman that I had, up to that point, ever cared for on my conscience. I then decided that perhaps I ought to try the other side and where did it get me? Stuck in a castle, year after year, wasting away until there was nothing left but the need for vengeance. Vengeance towards myself for ruining everything.

"Of course I'd like to really believe that I did all of those things to put an end to Voldemort. But really, _really_, I think I was just trying to put an end to myself. What better way than to drag it out for nearly twenty years? Relieve the memory, the pain, the shame? Is there any better punishment?" he said bitterly.

Hermione felt her throat close up and she was afraid to breathe. His words had cut wounds inside of her and she didn't know how to fix his or her own. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling but she wanted to. She really wanted to and she knew that there was no going back now. She couldn't let him go on like this for an indefinite amount of years. Blaming himself, hating himself. It wasn't fair.

Severus was staring blankly at the wall as if trying to mentally push down the feelings that he had drudged up. Hermione made her way across the bed and when she was close enough she tentatively wrapped her arms around him. He didn't pull away.

"You're good enough for me," she whispered against his cheek.

She wanted so badly for him to see that and to believe her.

* * *

Severus fought with himself as he felt her arms wrap around him. His instincts were telling him to leave but he fought them down. He couldn't leave. He couldn't even move. He didn't know why. Perhaps it was her acceptance of him. Perhaps it was the fear that if he left in that moment all would be lost. Maybe the inner turmoil that he was feeling was too much to complicate by trying to walk. He sat there, silently, unmoving, while the warmth of her arms permeated his body. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't do this. Not now, not ever. Just the thought of her, of him, of their ever being anything more than friendship made fear bubble up in his stomach. He couldn't make the same mistake twice.

He'd destroy her, he knew that. There was barely enough left of himself and now she wanted to be part of him? Of his life? There was nothing to be a part of. Memories of Lily flashed through his head and he let them wash over him. The pain wasn't as potent as it usually was. Generally when he thought about her there was a dull aching and throbbing in his chest. Now it had lessened. It was bearable.

The thought of Hermione suffering the same fate however, was not.

Severus turned to her and, planting a tender kiss on her forehead, he unwrapped himself from her arms. He needed time to think, to process all of this and do so in a way that wouldn't hurt him, or her. He was loathe to leave the comfort of her arms but it had to be done. He wanted her to know that this didn't mean that it was the end. He wasn't pushing her away indefinitely. He just needed to sort through his thoughts and having her there was not helping him to be objective.

"I'll be back," he promised. He let his hand linger on hers a few moments longer than he should have. Her face was carefully hiding her emotions and he wanted to know what she was thinking but he couldn't bring himself to ask. He really needed fresh air, time to think, time to figure something out. He couldn't bear to hurt her, he just wasn't sure what would hurt her less.

Severus walked out of the room and he didn't look back. It was too hard already not to turn around. What did he want? That questions was perpetually playing in his mind. It was not a difficult question. There were so many levels of what he wanted. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to be happy. he wanted to be happy with her. He didn't want to make the same mistakes. He wanted to make the right choice. He wanted to do what was best for the both of them. So many questions and too many answers.

He didn't know what to do.

He scaled the stairs, going up to the third floor and into one of the empty bedrooms. He went to the window, opened it, and looked down onto the Muggle street below. Anyone looking in his direction would be unable to see anything but the brick exterior of the building. He breathed in the muggy London air. It was hot, but the dark storm clouds up above spoke of the rain that was soon to come. Severus rested his arms on the window sill and looked out over the city. How easy it would be to disappear and never look back.

Throughout the years he'd had so many wonderful fantasies of running far, far, away. Some place where there were no Death Eaters, no Order, no Hogwarts. He wanted to start anew. He wanted to obliviate himself and forget that any and all parts of him had never existed. It was strange but the urge had been strongest nearly eight years ago. When Harry Potter had first arrived at Hogwarts, eyes exactly like his mother's.

It had taken everything in him not to run away like the coward he had always showed himself to be. Protect Lily, or at least the only living part of her that he had left. He could run now. There was nothing more left for him to do. Harry had survived to graduate, everyone was now downstairs forming some sort of plan, no doubt to destroy Voldemort. He had kept his promise. He had kept Harry safe.

What now?

What did he have left now? Was it fair to let her fill the gaping holes that riddled his body? The regrets? The deceptions? The lies? How could he ever let her be a part of who he was? Just the very thought of it seemed impossible to him. She needed someone good. Someone that would bring her brightness and happiness.

He wasn't that person. He could never be that person.

"I thought I might find you up here."

Severus turned around to see the Headmaster standing in the doorway looking at him with those all knowing eyes. Severus never knew exactly how, or what, Dumbledore knew. Maybe it was all a bluff. Why hide anything from someone who you thought knew everything? There didn't seem to be much of a point in that.

"How did the meeting go?" Severus asked, hoping to distract his thoughts. Perhaps clarity would come to him if he just ignored the thoughts of her. Like a dream that you couldn't remember, the harder you tried, the farther away the mists of memory drifted. Maybe, if he just didn't think, the answer would come to him.

"We've made some progress. How much do you know about Horcruxes?" Dumbledore asked him as he walked to the window sill just as the rain began to fall. Severus couldn't admit to much knowledge about Horocruxes. He had only come upon one or two very vague references to them in all of his years.

"Aren't they some sort of totems?" Severus asked as the rain began to fall with a vengeance. Instead of making the air cooler it only seemed to make it more oppressive.

"Much more sinister. They are items which contain a fragment of a person's soul," Dumbledore explained. Severus had to manually steer his thoughts away from Hermione to absorb what Dumbledore was saying. The pieces fell into place and Severus realized what Dumbledore was implying.

"And Voldemort..." Severus didn't particularly want to finish the sentence.

"I believe so. Several years ago I suspected that perhaps Tom Riddle's Diary was something of that sort but I was foolish enough to believe that he wouldn't dare tamper with magic such as that. If my assumption that he did is correct then it means that there are perhaps several objects out there that can potentially lead to the destruction of his very soul."

Severus looked out into the pouring rain. Could they really be nearing the end? He couldn't believe that it was possible. The thought of not having to look over his shoulder, of not being here, having a purpose, scared him. If Voldemort was defeated then there was no reason for him to go back to Hogwarts, even now there wasn't a reason. What was the use in obeying Voldemort's orders when the Dark Lord wanted him dead?

"I'm arranging several teams to go out and look for these objects. Those memories gave us an advantage. Hopefully it is not to late to find them. If Voldemort has no memory of what, or where, he hid these objects, that definitely gives us the upper hand." Severus looked over at the Headmaster and saw the fervent look in his eyes. He was savoring the possibility that once and for all Voldemort might be destroyed. He felt guilty for almost wishing the opposite.

"I suppose I should stay here, keep guard," Severus said sarcastically. The wind had shifted and was blowing the rain inside but he stood there taking it. It felt kind of nice, soothing in some way. He supposed he couldn't blame Dumbledore for wanting him to stay hidden, after all, there was a gigantic target on his back.

"Actually, I would like you to go."

Severus looked over at Dumbledore sure that he had mistakenly heard what the Headmaster said. "Why?" was the question that came first.

"Harry and Ron refuse to go without Hermione. They decided that through the last seven years they have been a team and that shall continue."

"I'm not sure I follow."

"She refuses to go with them unless you join them. They refuse to go without her. I'm sure that they'll give in, of course. Harry is stubborn but not entirely reckless. He knows that this has to be done with or without her if Voldemort is ever going to be stopped. Still, he's adamant that go along with them."

"And she won't go without me?"

"It appears that way."

Severus sighed and resisted the urge to rub at his temples. It seemed as if his choice was being made for him. He resisted the urge to fondly strangle her and he felt a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He couldn't believe that she had given such a black and white ultimatum. She really wasn't giving up on him.

Why should he give up on himself?

The answers to his questions began to fall into place.

* * *

Pretty, pretty please review. Enjoy your weekend and Happy Reading!


	25. Staying

Hermione sat in the kitchen area of #12 Grimmauld Place trying not to look as unhappy as she felt. It was harder to pretend around them than she thought it would be. Harry and Ron were sitting at the table with her and no one was saying anything. She hated the uncomfortable silence. It was something that she was so unused to. Both because she had gotten comfortable enough with Severus not to hide, and because things had never been like this with Harry and Ron. They had always been extensions of herself. A part of her. It didn't feel like that anymore.

Lucius had taken them from her.

She felt her stomach churn at the thought of him and pushed it away. There were other things to think about. Important things. A little while ago she had made the decision that she'd go with Harry and Ron on whatever new adventure they were about to embark on. If, and only if, Snape went with them. Dumbledore had been seemingly delighted by the idea, Harry and Ron not so much.

Not only did she need to go but she wanted to go. There were so many reasons why she had to do this. It was time that Voldemort paid for everything he had done. For having her parents killed. Hermione closed her eyes, she tried so hard not to think of them. It was too painful. She just needed things to be the way they used to be. At the same time she couldn't let Severus go, not now, not ever. She let a sigh escape knowing that if he had his way "ever" would be sooner rather than later.

Hermione glanced up and cast a sideways glance towards her two friends. In regards to Severus it was obvious that they were biting their tongues for her benefit. She was well aware of that. They didn't like Snape and didn't want him looking after them. She was half expecting either Ron or Harry to announce that they didn't want, or need, her to go with them but she could tell that they wouldn't go so far as to do that. So they all had been sitting in silence while Dumbledore went upstairs to talk to Severus.

Hermione let her thoughts wander to him. They still had to finish their talk. He'd said that he needed time to think and then he'd come back. It had been hard but she'd been as honest with him about what she felt and what she wanted as she could be. She wanted that same thing from him. She needed to know how he felt about her. She needed to know if it was all hopeless. Deep down she knew that he felt something for her. After all they had been through she couldn't imagine him not. But he was so scared, she wasn't sure that if he felt something for her, really felt something for her, that he would admit it to himself, let alone her.

Hermione glanced over at Harry, who was writing on a piece of parchment with his wand. The parchment was enchanted to send messages to another piece of parchment almost instantly. Hermione was sure that he was talking to Ginny. He had a far off smile on his face. Hermione's eyes traveled to Ron, only to catch him looking at her. He smiled at her in the way that Ron did, the way that always made everything better and Hermione felt herself smiling back. Maybe things hadn't changed that much after all.

"Pass me an apple, will you?" asked Ron, motioning to the bowl of fruit sitting on the middle of the table. Hermione picked up an apple and chucked it at him. He caught it easily with one hand. She hoped that he'd get to play for the Chudley Cannons. He'd be pretty good if he didn't let his nerves get to him. Again she was reminded how everyone was moving on without her. Everyone was making progress but her. What could she have accomplished in these almost two months since graduation? Would she be enrolled in a study program at the Ministry or St. Mungos? Would she be traveling abroad? Would she have found someone to date? Would she be spending time at home with her parents?

Again she inadvertently opened a wound that hadn't healed. She felt tears sting her eyes. Her poor parents. They'd never wanted anything other than to make her happy. Always so proud of her, so supporting, and it had gotten them killed. She tried to brush the memory of them aside for the second time that morning. Tried not to remember their faces.

Hermione felt an arm wrap around her and looked up to see that it was Ron. While she wanted it to be someone else she was thankful for the comfort and buried her head in Ron's shoulder. Telling herself that crying didn't change anything, didn't make it better, only made the pain and the grief more real. After a few moments she managed to compose herself. She looked up from Ron's shoulder just in time to see Severus walk into the room with Dumbledore behind him.

She wished she hadn't seen the momentary flash of pain that crossed his face when he saw her in Ron's embrace. It was gone seconds later, replaced by his mask of coldness. Lately she had been seeing that mask more than she'd like to. Severus and Dumbledore sat on the opposite side of the table and Hermione moved away from Ron.

Then next hour was spent listening to Dumbledore as he explained, mainly for her benefit, their theories on the horcruxes and where they could be found. Due to the images in the memories that Hermione had inadvertently stolen they had concluded that the horcruxes were several items, Rowena Ravenclaw's tiara, Hufflepuff's Cup, Voldemort's snake, a ring, and Slytherin's locket. Dumbledore also explained how Tom Riddle's Diary had also more than likely been one. Dumbledore and the rest of the Order had even managed to discover where some of the items were probably hidden.

Thanks to Harry they knew that the Ravenclaw horcrux was in the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts, Bellatrix had hidden the Hufflepuff cup, quite possibly at Gringotts. Dumbledore had an idea as to where the ring was. Nagini was wherever Voldemort was, which was a problem. The locket was the only thing that puzzled them. Tonks and Lupin were doing research in hopes of finding it.

Hermione learned that Moody, Kingsly Shacklebolt, and Arthur Weasley would be attempting to infiltrate Gringotts and get into the LeStrange family vault. No easy task. They were currently in one of the many rooms in Grimmauld trying to come up with a plan by morning. According to Dumbledore, she, Harry, Ron, and Snape were going to be apparating to the gates of Hogwarts in the morning where they would search the Room of Requirement for the Ravenclaw Horocrux and hopefully find and destroy it.

Hermione was glad that this war with Voldemort could possibly be coming to an end, but at the same time she was scared for so many reasons. It seemed easier to run, to hide. She wondered where her Gryffindor courage had gone, yet it was true. So many, many things could go wrong if Voldemort was confronted. Ron or Harry could die, Severus could... she brushed that thought away and looked over at him. He was staring resolutely at his clasped hands. She wanted him to look at her but no matter how much she willed it he didn't look up.

It was then she again thought of Lucius and she felt her heart speed up. She wanted him to pay. While she looked forward to that thought she wasn't sure that she was ready to face him. She still didn't have a wand, she was still so scared of him. In more ways than one. Of course she was afraid of what he could do to her, had done to her, but it was more than that now. She was afraid of what _she_ would do to _him_. Her hate, her loathing of him, knew no boundaries and for her, there had always been boundaries. Could she kill him? She had no doubt.

Use a Forgivable curse against him?

Only as many times as he had used them against her.

Crucio him until he begged for death.

Sectumsempra for good measure.

And then... well then she'd use the killing curse.

She could hear the words in her head, feel her wand in her hand, see his face in her minds' eye. There was no doubt that she could, and would, do that to him.

A little part of her mind wondered if that would be more damaging to her than what she had endured at his hands.

She wasn't sure that she cared.

Hermione looked up and realized that she and Snape were alone in the room. He was looking at her with a perplexed look on his face. She wondered how she could have not noticed that the others had left the room and she felt her face redden. This was not the time to be lost in thought. Especially thoughts like those.

"Where did everyone go?" Hermione asked, looking at him from across the table, wishing he were nearer.

"Outside," he said shortly. "What were you thinking about, Hermione?" He asked softly. There was something in the tone of his voice that scared her and she felt compelled to answer.

"Him." That was all that needed to be said. That was all that she wanted to say. Just thinking his name made her feel tainted, she didn't want to say it aloud. It was even hard for her to admit to him that Lucius had been in her thoughts. She didn't want Severus to worry.

Hermione watched as Severus used his wand to flick something across the table at her. It landed in front of her, belly up, legs folded, a dead spider.

"What's this?" she asked, not understanding. Had they graduated to the point in their relationship when they could gift each other with dead arachnids?

"It's the spider you just killed with the killing curse," he replied sharply.

It took Hermione a moment to process his words. Surely he had to be joking. She couldn't... not without a wand.. And she wouldn't be that reckless... not with Harry and Ron in the room, and Dumbledore, and him.

She felt tears filling her eyes.

"I didn't...?" It was more of a plea for him to contradict himself than it was a question. She was Hermione Granger, she had control, more than anyone, she had control. There was no way that she would have done this. Absolutely no way. She had bested every single student at Hogwarts with her skill, she would not have done _this_.

"We all heard it. You whispered "_avada kedavra",_ there was a spark of green light and then the spider was dead. It seems that you did." She hated the accusation in his voice. The coldness. If she'd done this, really done this, what was she going to do?

Hermione heard her heart beating loudly in her ears and she covered her face in mortification. She had come so close to potentially killing the four most important people in her life. Was she that... unhinged? She'd thought that she was getting better, that she was moving on, but the thought of Lucius, of what he did, of what he deserved, it brought her back to a dark place. She wasn't sure there was any escaping that.

The only thing that she could think about was if she would have opened her eyes to find Ron or Harry, lying dead, slumped on the table. Her fault. It would have been her fault. She couldn't ever let this happen again. If she had done something like that she never would have forgiven herself.

Hermione looked up at Snape, his arms crossed against his chest, just sitting there, looking at her. She couldn't read him and she hated that. She hated that he hid so well from her. Hated it more than anything that it was getting harder and harder to hide from him. He knew her so well, knew the shadows that lurked inside of her. Understood them better than probably anyone could.

"I'm sorry. I know that's not enough, I didn't mean to, I just... I got... lost." Hermione said helplessly. She didn't know how else she could explain it. There wasn't anything that she could do to take it back or make it better. She had a passing thought that perhaps they were going to try to make her go to St. Mungos.

"Promise me that you will never again use those words. Whether in thought or action. Those words will haunt you, they will tear apart your soul and leave nothing left. Promise me Hermione." His gaze captured hers and she was unable to look away. The candles that were lit around the room cast shadows in the depths of his eyes, she was entranced.

Hermione was silent for a moment. Wondering if she could make that promise and keep it. When it came down to it she wasn't sure that she could. Her hatred went so deep, she wasn't sure a promise to anyone could keep her from extracting her revenge. Not after what Malfoy did to her.

"Promise me."

She looked up, looked into his eyes and she could see that he was no longer asking. He was pleading and to see him like that she knew she couldn't say no.

"I promise," she said hoping for his benefit that it wasn't a lie.

In seconds he was by her side and had wrapped her up in an embrace so tight that she lost her breath. It was then that she realized how nice it was to be in his arms and away from the darkness of her revenge. It was like walking out of the shadows and being embraced by warm spring sunlight. He represented so much goodness to her and she couldn't comprehend why he couldn't see it. See the way that just being held by him pushed away the echoes of vengeance. She buried her head in his shoulder, unable to say anything but hoping that he would know that she was sorry.

"It's alright. I know how it feels to be lost," he whispered softly into her hair.

She believed him.

* * *

Severus stood next to Dumbledore, deep in thought, as they watched Harry and Ron apparate. The two were going back to the Burrow for the night and would return again in the morning. Severus was glad that Hermione would have the rest of the evening without them around. Seeing them again seemed to have churned up emotions and feelings that were not having a positive effect on her. He was having doubts about whether Hermione should be taken along on this trip to Hogwarts in the morning. He trusted her, he trusted that what had happened a few hours ago wouldn't happen again, but he was still worried about her. He understood her rage, more so than he would like to and he couldn't blame her for it.

Still, what had happened this afternoon had been... surprising, on several levels. Not only had she cast the killing curse effortlessly, but wandless as well. That was very rare in any witch or wizard. If she was getting better at wandless magic he was truly happy, and even a little bit relieved, but at the same time, if she let it get out of control as she had today it could be disastrous if not, as already proven, deadly.

Severus looked over at Dumbledore who was looking more and more his age as each day went on. He refused to entertain the notion that the Headmaster wouldn't be around forever, just the thought seemed impossible to him. Times were changing, everything was changing and things were never going to be the same. The end was near, he could feel it, and it was strange, but up until these last few days he'd never thought that maybe he'd survive it, and now he knew why he wanted to.

For Hermione.

In the past it had seemed that once Voldemort was defeated he'd have nothing to really live for, no purpose. He'd stayed Potion's Professor at Hogwarts because it had been what both Voldemort and Dumbledore had wanted. He'd lived to atone for his past mistakes. If Voldemort was destroyed what more would there be for him to do? He'd have no real reason to stay at Hogwarts, no real reason to do anything.

She was quickly becoming his reason.

Severus silently shook his head. He knew that he ought to go upstairs and talk to her but he was prolonging it as long as possible. He didn't know what to say or how to say it and he wasn't sure he trusted himself to just walk upstairs and blurt everything out without some sort of outline. What was he going to say? Earlier in the day he'd had some sort of idea but what had happened earlier had changed his mind.

Neither one of them were ready for this. It wasn't just what had happened today, although that had played a part. She was still tremendously effected by all of the things that had happened to her. Adding complications that would develop from his sharing of his feelings, was not something that would help her.

And then there was the small matter of one Ron Weasley.

Severus had been unprepared for his own reaction when he had seen them together. It had come as a shock to him because it had been so long since he'd had feelings of such pure jealousy. Not since Lily. He spared a thought of thanks that he hadn't found Hermione wrapped in Harry's arms. First the father, then the son.

That would have been too much for him to bear.

Hermione needed someone like Ron. As much as he hated and despised to admit it it was true. If someone had asked him a few months ago he would have said anyone but Weasely. However, things had changed. She needed someone like Ron, someone not like himself. Someone who would make her laugh, someone who would keep her from the shadows, not lead her into them.

However the thought of letting her go nearly undid him. He knew that this had to end eventually, probably sooner rather than later, but he wanted it to last as long as possible. He wouldn't be the one to walk away from her. When she was ready... well, when she was ready she would leave him.

"Severus, I must be leaving soon but I wanted a moment," Dumbledore said heavily.

"Yes?" Severus replied, breaking out of his thoughts, wanting desperately to come up with some sort of resolution to all this inner turmoil.

"I just wanted to tell you not to judge yourself or your faults too harshly, Severus. Sometimes it takes someone else to show us who we really are." With that he disappeared with a pop. Severus stood there for a long while afterwards, thinking.

He walked up the stairs, each step echoing in his ears. They were all alone, everyone else had left. Severus was pleased that there was little chance of an interruption. He finally reached her closed door. He stood in front of the door for a few minutes before he finally knocked. Seconds later the door slowly opened and he walked in.

Hermione was sitting comfortably on the bed, legs crossed, a book in her lap. Again with the wandless magic. As he walked in she waved her hand and the door shut. With a few muttered words the rest of the candles in the room sprung to life. He had to admit he was impressed. Of course he wasn't all that surprised, when Hermione set her mind to something she usually did it, and well.

Severus stood there in his black, foreboding, clothes never feeling more foolish. How could he possibly tell her in words what he was feeling? The fear, the hopelessness, the shame? He wasn't sure if he was more afraid that she would understand or that she wouldn't. If he explained himself, told her everything, would she accept that they could never be... anything? Or would she contradict him at every turn, like she usually did?

"Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to sit?" she asked him impatiently. Her eyes were beautiful in the candlelight. As was the rest of her. He sat down next to her on the bed, as he had done so many times before. It was still strange to him how easily the two of them had fallen into a routine with one another. How they complemented one another, he had never dreamed that he would find that rapoire with anyone, let alone a former student.

"When you said that I was good enough for you did you mean it?" he asked softly, afraid to touch her, afraid to be touched by her. Afraid to hear her answer. In all of his years of being a Death Eater he wasn't sure if he had ever been more afraid of what lay ahead.

Her face turned serious and he had to stop himself from flinching as she reached up and laid a hand on his face. Her touch was gentle and her hand was warm and he closed his eyes, savoring the touch.

"Look at me," she said softly and he was compelled to open his eyes and look at her in the candlelight as it cast flickering shadows across the room.

"When I said that you were good enough for me I meant it with everything that I am," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

Severus closed his eyes and let those words wash over him like a wave. It had been so long since he'd really believed that. He had no doubts about his magical abilities, his knowledge, his precision when it came to potion-making and magic. There were things that he excelled at and he was aware of them, if he was being honest he might even say that in some ways he was conceited. Relating to another person on any level had never been one of those things. It didn't come effortlessly to him and it never would.

He resisted the urge to compare her to Lily. It was different, he knew that it was different if for one reason only. Hermione needed him, wanted him, desired him even. If hadn't mistaken the tone of their kisses. He had never had that with Lily, which again, made this more difficult, made it more than he could handle.

"What are you thinking?" she asked, her hand moving from his face, to his neck, then moving down his arm to clasp his hand. There were tingles in the wake of her touch. It had been so very long since anyone had incited this sort of reaction in him. If ever.

He'd had flings and affairs in his youth. None of them had been about love. None of them had ever made him feel like he felt when she touched him. Never had he...

Severus closed the distance between them his lips crashing against hers. He wanted to tell her in words how he felt but he couldn't. No matter how many times he ran the words through his head he knew he wouldn't be able to say it right. What he felt for her wasn't intellectual, it was emotional, and overwhelming and he allowed himself to lose control and let her feel what he was feeling inside.

With one hand he reached up and touched the smooth surface of her cheek. She was so warm and he loved the feeling of his skin against hers. His hand moved down to her neck and he could swear that he could feel her pulse pounding against his hand. She was responding to his kiss as hungrily as he was. Her arms were wrapped around him, holding him close. The feeling of her body against his was inciting reactions in him he had long thought dormant. It was time to stop.

It was so hard to let go of her when it had been so long and felt so good but he pulled from that pool of inner strength. The strength that had, ironically, got him through every Death Eater meeting that he had ever gone through. It unnerved him that he had to use it with her.

His lips traveled to her neck and he heard her draw in a breath and then she exhaled. He rested his forehead against her shoulder and took a deep breath. Was Dumbledore right? He hadn't necessarily said it but Severus knew that he was trying to play matchmaker. It wouldn't work, couldn't work... but he wanted it to work.

"We should get rest, for tomorrow," he said into her shoulder. He was feeling more tired than he wanted to admit. His brain had been constantly running all day, and while this wasn't unusual it was the constant indecisiveness that he was feeling. He didn't know if he should go with her, Potter, and Weasley. He didn't know what to do about _her_. He wasn't used to not having answers to his questions.

"What was that kiss about?" she asked. He removed his head from her shoulder and then looked into her eyes. It was hard not to kiss her again.

"You asked how I felt about you. That's how I feel about you," he replied softly.

"I could infer a lot from that," she said. Severus was surprised to see the corners of her lips were tilted up in a smile.

What was he going to do?

"Infer what you will," he said, not knowing what else to say. He actually wasn't entirely sure what he wanted her to think other than that he cared for her, that she meant something to him, and that he truely wanted her. Wanted her almost more than he had ever wanted anything in his life.

Hermione laid back against the pillows, pulling him down with her.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked, repressing a small chuckle.

"You said that we should sleep, so I was listening." Hermione waved her hand and all of the lights went out. He felt her rest her head against his chest as he was used to by this point. He liked the way that she wanted him close while she was sleeping. Even in sleep she wanted him near.

"I should go-" Severus began.

"I want you to stay," she said quietly, an arm draping around him in the process.

Severus pondered it a moment. Accessed his feelings, accessed his control, and then decided that perhaps it wouldn't hurt.

"I'll stay," he said. As the words left his lips he wondered if perhaps he meant it in more ways than one.

* * *

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	26. Hogwarts

"We really should be sleeping," Severus said softly into the darkness. Hermione felt his thumb travel over the back of her hand in one of the many small gestures of affection she'd noticed over the last few hours. Neither of them had been able to sleep so they'd spent the time lost in sleepy conversation.

"This is much more fun than sleeping," Hermione said as she suppressed a yawn. It was getting late and they had a big day of horcrux searching in front of them.

Hermione loved the sound of his voice in the darkness. There was just something so beautiful and comforting about his voice. Especially when that voice was directed at her. She loved the closeness of him as they lay together. It was still so odd to her how much she had come to want him near to her.

"Be that as it may I think my stories of Flitwick's African Safari can wait for another day," he said with a chuckle that was stifled by the fact that his lips were resting against her hair. Hermione smiled and snuggled closer to him. There were worst things in the world than being tired, but he was right, they did need to get sleep.

"Sleep time it is," she agreed. "Severus? I hope that you have sweet dreams."

"You too, Hermione."

Hermione listened as his breathing became more even and the arm that was wrapped around her softened. She felt safe and secure and that was a feeling that had been eluding her lately.

This day had been Hell and she was trying her hardest to just breathe and let go. Something much easier said than done. Every single part of her felt exhausted. She wasn't sure she had fully recovered from Apparating, and even if she had, her earlier act of magic, the one that she didn't think she would ever be able to comfortably think about, had worn her out. Being around Ron and Harry was also hard. She told herself that she had to find some way to deal with how she was feeling about them. They were the only family that she had left and whatever negative feelings she was holding onto needed to be let go.

Then there was Severus. He was probably taking the greatest toll on her energy. One moment she was sure that everything would work out and then the next it felt like she was one step away from never seeing him again.

It was difficult to resolve herself to thinking of him as a coward. He was one of the bravest people she had ever met. He was so dedicated, and intelligent. His depth of knowledge about so many topics impressed her to no end. When it came to feelings and emotions he was more lost than she was. She had grown up in a household filled with love and affection.

She'd spent the last seven years of her life being so close to two other people that they had become extensions of herself. She knew what it felt like to always have someone there for her. To always be loved. To have someone to confide in and listen to. Severus had never had that. She hated knowing that. She felt for him in that respect.

Hermione wanted to change that. She wanted to show him how it could really be. How safe and wanted he could feel. He had helped her feel those things during the hardest period in her life. She wanted to gift that back to him. It wasn't gratitude. It wasn't the need to take care of him as he had taken care of her. She wasn't trying to fill a void left by the trauma of what had happened to her. She wasn't trying to distract herself from everything else going on in her life.

She felt something. Something real, and tangible, and heartfelt. It would be so much easier to have no feelings for him. To pack up and go to the Burrow and forget the last few months had happened. Yet, she couldn't do it. Not without knowing that he would still have a place in her life.

Hermione realized that she had been on the edges of sleep. Fading in and out of consciousness, the only thing keeping her from diving into oblivion was her stream of never ending thoughts. Here in the darkness of night, surrounded by the smell of him and the warmth of being held so tenderly, she felt brave. Braver than she had felt in a long time. There was so much uncertainty in her life but there were things she knew she wanted. One of those things was him.

She didn't need a definition for his feelings, or hers for that matter. She didn't need a commitment. She didn't need to justify anything. What she wanted was for him to not run away from her, or himself for that matter. Feeling better about her course of action, with everything, she fell into an easy sleep.

Sleep was short lived. It felt like she had only been asleep a few minutes when there was a knock at the bedroom door. Hermione roused herself from sleep and managed to coherently walk to the door without bumping into anything. She opened the creaky, wooden, door and saw Ron standing there in the hall.

"Morning, Hermione," he said cheerily. It took a few moments for the world to right itself and for Hermione to remember where she was. She was also reminded of the fact that there was something very important they were supposed to be doing today.

"Good morning," she said, returning his smile sleepily.

"Didn't think you were up yet. Long night? I couldn't find Snape. He didn't leave you alone here did he?" asked Ron as he handed her a steaming cup of coffee.

"No, no. He's around here somewhere." Hermione said sheepishly, all to aware of the fact that Severus was in the bed behind her.

"Right. Well, we were planning on leaving in about an hour and a half, just thought I'd let you know. Harry and Ginny are downstairs making breakfast. She wanted to come along and Harry didn't have the heart to tell her no." There was a significant pause before he continued. "Can we talk Hermione?"

"Uh, Ron…" she said fumbling for an excuse. "I, uh, actually…" she heard a barely audible popping noise behind her. "Of course, come in," she said recovering fairly easily. To her relief the room was empty with no trace of the former occupant. Ron sat down on the old, ancient, bed and Hermione closed the door behind them. She sat down beside him and was pleased to feel okay about being alone with him.

It wasn't about the trauma she incurred just over a few months ago, it was about the fact that it had been so long since she'd been alone with someone other than Severus. She worried about her ability to keep up with conversation, to not let the awkward silences overwhelm her. She was filled with confidence right now. She could do this, she could be herself and have a friendly conversation with her best friend.

"There's something I wanted to ask you," he said and Hermione was almost amused to hear the nervousness in his voice. Of course it was warranted, she hadn't necessarily been very welcoming to he and Harry the other day. Especially after weeks of silence.

"Yes?" she asked with a reassuring smile.

"I wanted to ask you if you needed a place to stay for a little bit? What I mean is, see, I've got a flat up in Chudley, nothing special, quite a dump actually, but there's more than enough room for you, for a little while of course, until you get settled you know? Mum also said that the Burrow's empty with all of us moved out and she'd love to have you stay. Think she's quite excited about teaching you recipes or something. I guess the cooking thing never stuck with Ginny, ya know? Harry's getting a flat in London too and he'd love for you to stay with him, you'd be close to the Ministry and all that. Neville's alone in his Gran's house now that she's passed and he told me there's a spare room with your name on it if you want. And Fleur would be more than happy to let you stay with her and Bill in France if you just want to get away for a bit. I just wanted you to know that there are loads of places for you to stay that aren't this gloomy dump," he said with a lopsided grin.

Hermione almost expected herself to feel insulted by the offer. After all, she was a grown witch, capable of standing on her own two feet, without the need of charity. However, in all honesty, she just felt incredibly humbled and grateful. Over the last few months it had been hard to remember that she still had a life out there somewhere. Still had friends and family that loved her and cared about her and wanted her to feel safe. Unbidden, tears sprang to her eyes and she hugged Ron tightly, drinking in his comfortable familiar scent.

"Thanks Ron, that means a lot. I'll think it over," she said trying to compose herself. All of those options sounded lovely. When this was all over she could picture herself at the Burrow, sitting by the fire reading, after an exhausting day of jam and jelly making. It sounded quite close to Heaven. However, there was something that she wanted even more than that. Something that she wasn't quite sure she could have.

"Well, ahem," Ron said clearing his throat as he patted her on the back. "I should probably let you get ready. Found this at the Burrow the other day in Fred and George's room, I know you don't have a wand so I thought this might be helpful," he said handing her a sack. "There's some Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes in there. The portable swamp, instant darkness powder, and decoy detonators. It's not much but it's better than nothing."

"Thanks, Ron," said Hermione as she accepted the sack and he got up and left the room. Once the door was closed Hermione looked at the bag. "_Reducio_," she said with a wave of her hand and the bag shrank down to the size of a small purse. With a pleased smile she began to get ready.

An hour later found the five of them gathered in the foyer going over the plan. Harry had taken over the role of leader, which wasn't very unusual.

"This should be fairly safe. The only thing we need to worry about is the small amount of time that we are outside the gates of Hogwarts. There's no reason to believe that Hogwarts security has been compromised. In fact Dumbledore has been spending the last few weeks reinforcing all security measures. Which is going to make in impossible for us to floo, portkey, or apparate on the grounds. It's too risky. So we'll be apparating about ten feet from the front gate where it should open, only allowing the five of us to enter. From there, we go to the seventh floor, find the Room of Requirement, or the Room of Hidden Things as it is also called, locate the Ravenclaw Diadem, and come back here as soon as possible. Any questions?" Hermione noticed that Harry gave a pointed look to Snape but he stayed quiet.

Hermione knew that there was probably part of Harry that was enjoying being "in charge" of Snape. She couldn't say she blamed him, especially after all of the years of animosity that had bubbled up between them. In all honesty, it was kind of fun to go on this adventure with all of them. She missed this.

Since Severus was the most practiced at apparation and used to arriving right at the gate, it was decided that they would apparate as a group with him leading. They stood in a circle each of them touching. Hermione looked over and smiled at Ron who stood across from her. It was when she saw the look of confusion on his face that she realized she was holding Snape's hand. The world started to spin and she couldn't discern anything else.

When the world righted itself they were in front of Hogwarts, standing a mere ten or so feet away from the gate. Severus hurried up to it, a key already appearing in his hand. As he inserted the key, he tapped his wand on it simultaneously, and the gates silently opened and they hurried inside as the gates closed behind them.

Hermione looked up at the vast grounds of Hogwarts. It was hard to believe that it had only been a few weeks since she'd left. It looked quiet and empty and it made her sad. She missed the days where it was full to the brim with students and teachers. Laughter, homework, Quidditch matches. All things that she wasn't going to experience here again. She had graduated, and that time for her was over. She felt like she had taken it so much for granted.

Hermione wondered what Ron was thinking as they walked up the long, winding, drive towards the Castle. He had been avoiding her gaze since they arrived. When they apparated, everyone else's hands had been on shoulders and forearms, she could understand how holding Severus' hand could have been disconcerting. As much as she hated to admit it, she worried what Ron was thinking. It was hard for her to imagine that he wouldn't think less of her if he knew her feelings for her former Professor.

He wouldn't approve, no one would. That thought hadn't really bothered her until now. She looked ahead to Snape who was striding with purpose towards the Great Doors. What ridicule would he face if he allowed himself to be with her? She could imagine the rumors and the whisperings, the articles written by Rita Skeeter.

Was there anything between them that would be easy?

Once they entered the Castle, the oppressive silence began to fill Hermione with a sense of foreboding. During her time here with Snape the quiet had been much needed, now the echoing of footsteps seemed almost haunting.

Ginny apparently thought so to because soon she struck up a conversation with Hermione. Hermione felt like her voice sounded too loud in the hallowed halls and she was waiting for a mysterious phantom "shhhh" as she carried on with the conversation. She and Ginny had gotten to talk a bit that morning over breakfast and Hermione was happy to feel that things felt normal between the two of them.

Maybe everything hadn't changed so much after all.

They finally made it to the Seventh Floor and to the place where the Room of Requirement would appear. They all concentrated on needing The Room of Hidden Things. One use for the Room was hiding all of the things that other people did not want to be found.

A rickety door appeared and they went inside.

* * *

Severus had to admit that he was excited about this. He had never actually been inside the Room of Requirement during his tenure at Hogwarts. He had heard of its existence but he had never sought to find it. All he required he had in his rooms down in the dungeons. Rooms he was sorely missing at the moment. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the adventure of the last few weeks, parts of it were exhilarating and other parts terrifying, but he missed his comfortable routine. Missed the hours lost in study and potion making. He missed his solitude.

He looked over at Hermione and knew that she was worth it. What a strange revelation that was. Any further thoughts were interrupted as Severus looked into the cavernous room, his eyes widening in shock. There seemed to be centuries worth of acquired junk in here. He had a feeling this wasn't going to be as quick as he had originally anticipated. In fact, it looked like it was going to be a very long day indeed.

The five of them split off into two smaller groups and Severus was not surprised to find he and Hermione working near the same area. While most of this stuff was harmless, he did exercise care in digging through the piles of junk. There were tons of books, countless broken trinkets, ruined uniforms, singed tapestries, broken swords, and things he couldn't even hazard a guess to identify.

About an hour into it, the dust was starting to get to him, and a thin layer of sweat had gathered on his brow. It did give him an excellent opportunity to think through some things. Mainly Ron Weasley. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was in competition with someone half his age for a woman he wasn't even sure if he had the capacity to be with, but honestly that's how it felt.

This morning when Ron had showed up at her bedroom door it had been hard to leave. He knew that he had to be respectful of her relationships so he had apparated to an empty room. He knew nothing of what had been said and he wasn't sure that he wanted to. She was easily falling back into her habits and falling back into her life with her friends. He could easily see the writing on the wall. Soon she wouldn't need him, and that was a good thing.

Severus was never one for co-dependency. It wasn't something that had been a theme throughout his life. He had never had anyone rely on him on a personal level and had never in turn relied on anyone else, with the exception of Dumbledore. This relationship with her, the neediness they showed to each other, it wasn't healthy, not for him. It turned his entire world on its ear.

He looked over at her occasionally as he dug through a huge, scorched, wardrobe. Her hair was pulled back into a bushy mass of curls and she was flinging books behind her as she moved steadily forward into a pile of junk. He found it endearing how, in the beginning, she had tried to respectfully stack the books in neat piles. An hour later, the neat stacks had turned into one big, messy, pile.

Severus turned his attention back to his task. He was very used to being single minded in his wants and his needs. The ambiguity that he felt in regards to her was literally driving him insane. Soon, he was going to have to make a decision and stick with it. Pursue her or let her go. He knew what choice he wanted to make. It was finding the courage to go through with it. He continued searching, an absent smile on his face.

"_Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure_!"

It had been at least another twenty minutes when Severus heard her voice and looked up to see her holding a silver glinting object. Hermione had found the diadem. Severus stood up in relief, brushing decade-old dirt off of his black robes.

Snape watched as Hermione gave the tiara to Harry who stuffed it safely in his cloak. As they left the room he had to resist the urge to gather up discarded vials of strange substances. The academic in him thought about all of the interesting experiments that could be run but he cast those thoughts aside. Another time maybe.

The group made it back into the hallway where Ron gracefully informed them that he had to use the bathroom and would be right back so that they could leave. While they waited for him to return, Severus looked down at Hermione and smiled at the dirt smeared across her cheek as she excitedly talked about all of the interesting objects she had noticed.

He reached up to wipe her cheek with his thumb when he was hit with a spasm so violent his hand jerked and he almost inadvertently hit her.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" asked Harry, immediately situating himself between the two of them. Severus was almost too overcome with pain to even notice. His arm was on fire, worse than it ever had been before.

"Stop! It wasn't his fault," he heard Hermione say as his legs gave out. It wasn't just his forearm that was burning, it was his upper arm, shoulder, chest, stomach. This had never happened before and he found himself absolutely terrified.

He heard Weasley come back, heard some sort of explanation about the Dark Mark, heard murmurings, and before he realized it he found himself staring up at the ceiling as the realization dawned that he was flat on his back.

He could feel Hermione pulling up the sleeve of his robe and the sound she made when she saw it concerned him enough to resist the unconsciousness that was trying to claim him. He tried to pull up his arm, bring it closer to his face so that he could see, but she wouldn't release her grip on him.

"Don't look," she whispered. He ignored her and continued to struggle. Finally she lifted his arm so that he could see it. He was repulsed by what he saw. The Dark Mark was literally boiling on his skin. All the veins in his arm stood out in stark contrast to his pale skin. His veins were black, pitch black trails running up his arm.

Suddenly everyone started talking at once and Severus couldn't discern what was being said. He had the feeling that whatever Voldemort was doing to him at this moment involved the Crucio. Voldemort knew. Whether he knew they were at Hogwarts Severus couldn't say, but it was obvious that this call to Death Eaters was not to be ignored under any circumstances.

Either their group, the group at Gringotts, or maybe even Grimmauld Place itself were going to be in trouble, very soon.

He heard Hermione reciting the spells that usually helped ease the pain. He waited for relief that never came. He felt her digging in his pocket for his wand, the spells were repeated and still relief didn't come.

"Ginny, your wand core is dragon heartstring right?" he heard Hermione ask.

"Yes, why?"

"That's what mine was. His wand is a little temperamental when I use it. Can I borrow yours for a moment?"

He assumed that she handed it over because Hermione was still repeating the spells and relief still did not come. The pain was just as intense but he was forcing himself to breathe through the waves of it.

"It's not working," Hermione said and he could hear the panic and worry in her voice.

There was currently an ebb in the pain and he felt able to talk. "Leave me here, I'll be fine. Get back and find out what happened." In all honesty, despite the pain, there was a streak of humiliation that his former students should see him in such a vulnerable state.

"Absolutely not. I'm not going to leave you in the castle, by yourself. Who knows what's going to happen. I don't want to doubt Dumbledore's ability to protect the castle but I will not leave you here. Would you like to be conscious or unconscious?" she asked briskly. He gave her a puzzled look in response.

"You're coming with us. I can stupefy you if you prefer, so you don't feel the pain."

"No."

She seemed to take it as an answer to the question and not a protest to the whole idea as he had intended it. In the next instant he was steadily floating through the air, by whose magic he had no idea. The next few minutes were a blur of blinding white pain. If he would have been able to speak, he might have swallowed his pride and asked to be stupefied after all.

Reality blurred and next he knew he could see the gate up ahead of them and the area beyond them looked clear. He felt some relief. He had almost expected a line of Death Eaters standing just outside the gate ready for a fight.

He absently heard them discussing the best strategy of exiting. One at a time? All at once? How was the best way to do it? To apparate you had to get a full ten feet away from the gate before there was guaranteed success with no security magic interference. They decided on he and Harry first while the others covered them in case of an ambush.

Severus found that his pride was in tact enough to be annoyed by this decision. He was a liability at this moment and the weakness frustrated him. He told himself that something good had come out of this. His arm was a warning of sorts, it made them more conscious of danger than they might otherwise be.

The next thing he knew, he was floating out of the gate, Potter's hand resting on his shoulder. The next few seconds after that were a blur of yells and bright colors flashing and crackling in the air. The last color he saw was red.

He felt every single one of his years. Bones and joints ached and he realized this was what it felt like to be truly exhausted. It was tempting to fade back into the cool darkness of sleep. His mouth was dry and he found his eyes hard to open but he did it anyway. Looking around, he was relieved to see that he was in a bed, in a dimly lit room. He didn't know what had happened but his first concern was for her. As worry filled him, he sat straight up and instantly regretted it as head began to simultaneously spin and pound. It was then that he realized that there was someone very warm, very safe, and very whole, lying next to him fast asleep.

With a shaky breath he lay back down and sunk back into darkness.

The next time he woke up he felt decidedly better, the smell of strong coffee didn't hurt. His bed was empty and, sure that he hadn't dreamt having her in bed with him, he allowed himself not to worry. He took a few minutes to look himself over while he indulged in the mug of coffee that had been sitting on the bedside table. He was happy to see that as far as he could tell, he was in one piece. His Mark was slightly raised on his skin, swollen, but other than that there were no remnants of the previous day's, he hoped it had only been one, happenings.

Once his coffee was finished he walked down the hall to the restroom and indulged himself with a hot shower. A few flicks of his wand dried his hair and thoroughly cleaned his robes. Feeling much more like himself, he made his way downstairs to find out what in Merlin's name had happened the other night.

As he thought he might, he found them all gathered around the kitchen table. In addition to Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione, the fact that the latter two were sitting side by side did not escape his attention, they were joined by Dumbledore, Arthur, Tonks, Lupin, and Kingsly.

Severus took a seat at the far end of the table and was happy to have another cup of coffee pushed his way. It was then that Severus noticed sitting in the middle of the table were the diadem and Hufflepuff's cup, both of them were now a tarnished, nearly black color.

In his opinion, that was probably a very good thing.

"How are you feeling, Severus?" the Headmaster asked. It took him until that moment to notice the somber mood of the room. Something bad had happened.

"As well as can be expected," he replied casually. There was a dull ache in his head that he was hoping the caffeine was soon going to chase away.

"Yesterday Mad-eye Moody was lost to us, killed by Bellatrix LeStrange outside of her Gringotts vault. He was, however, able to help secure the Hufflepuff Cup, which was indeed as we suspected a horcrux."

Severus spared a moment of silence for the Auror. They had never gotten along but it was still a sadness for the loss of one of their own.

Snape listened as they fully recounted the story of the ambush inside the depths of Gringotts. Kingsley and Mad-Eye had managed to kill two Death Eaters and Arthur had wounded several. Just as he had suspected his group had been ambushed outside of Hogwarts as well. Severus learned that he had been hit with stupefy right as they had apparated. Thank Merlin it had been him and not Potter, that probably would have ended up with both of them horrible splinched.

Harry had apparated him, and the diadem, safely to Grimmauld Place and that's when the real battle had begun. Hermione, with the help of Severus' wand, Ron, and Ginny had staved off the Death Eaters and beat them back. Severus was happy to hear that Hermione had been the one to subdue the most Death Eaters, first allowing Ginny to escape and then escaping with Ron.

He wondered how Hermione had handled it emotionally. He knew there were very few things that terrified her more than the thought of recapture. It sounded as if she had kept her wits about her and everyone had come back alive and mostly unharmed. Ron had a singed eyebrow but it looked as if, even now, the hairs were rapidly growing back.

He listened to more talk of horcruxes. They had discovered the location of the locket and quite possibly the ring. For the first time in a long time it felt like the Order was making real progress in its efforts to defeat Voldemort once and for all.

Soon talk turned to more plans and Severus learned that they had to infiltrate the Ministry for the locket. There was so much to think of, all sorts of contingency and back up plans. Word had it that Voldemort was threatening Wizards all over England into being his spies. No place was safe and those in the Order, or even thought to be in the Order, were being watched as closely as possible. It was no longer safe for anyone.

Dumbledore had come up with a plan that involved a large group of Order members and massive amounts of polyjuice potion to infiltrate the Ministry. It was going to take a concentrated, strategic, effort, but if they could get their hands on one more horcrux, they'd be that much closer to defeating Voldemort for good.

Once conversation had died down, Severus realized that for the immediate future everyone would probably be staying here. He found himself resenting the fact that more than likely there would be little time for him for him to spend with Hermione.

It bothered him more than he wanted to admit. Dumbledore got up and Severus walked with him as they discussed the logistics of making such a large batch of Polyjuice Potion. Long ago Severus had stocked one of the rooms in the basement with lots of ingredients. That most likely wouldn't be a problem. He and the Headmaster talked about how many doses would be needed, and various other dynamics. After awhile Dumbledore wandered off to do whatever it was that Dumbledore did, and then Severus found himself alone, staring out a window into the bright summer sun.

"There you are."

He heard her voice and turned towards it, finding it difficult to hide the smile on his face.

"Yes. Here I am," he said wryly, as she came and stood next to him.

"How are you really feeling?" she asked as her hand boldly covered his as it rested on the warm windowsill.

"Better than I was yesterday and last night. A little sore, but nothing that can't be explained away by my age," he said with a dry smile.

"You were being crucio'd last night weren't you?" she asked softly. He could tell that she was thinking back to her own time, when the pain had ripped through her body.

"Yes, or something similar. It's never happened before in my almost nineteen years of bearing this mark. I didn't know it was capable of enacting that much pain. Are you all right after…. after yesterday?" he asked, trying to phrase it delicately, he didn't want to bring up unpleasant thoughts if she wasn't ready to talk about them.

She nodded and looked at him.

"At first I didn't think about it. They came out of nowhere, flinging spells at you and Harry. I didn't even think, I just acted. Once it was over, after Ron and I managed to apparate, I wanted to look after you and make sure you were okay. It took awhile for it to really hit me, for it to sink in how close I was to going back there, to that chamber, to the cold stone floor. The shock wore off and I lost it but Ron was there, he reminded me that we were all safe."

Severus made himself suppress whatever feelings the thought of Weasley comforting her drudged up. He had been unconscious after all, he hadn't been able to do anything. She had needed someone and he made himself be glad that she hadn't been left alone with her feelings. She had spent so many months internalizing, it was good that she rely on other people. People that would know the comforting things to say and follow it up with something to make her laugh afterwards…

"Being able to go upstairs to you, and lay next to you, knowing that we were both safe was the only reason I was able to sleep. I was so worried about you at Hogwarts. You couldn't see how bad you looked, the veins… I thought Voldemort was going to kill you."

"So worried for my health that you were threatening to curse me?" he said with a teasing smile.

"It was for your own good! You just had to be stubborn didn't you? You got stupefied anyway. I'm surprised I'm even able to joke about this right now." She let go of his hand and then wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back.

"Are you sure this is wise?" he whispered into her hair.

"I don't particularly care if anyone sees me with you. Ron knows that we stayed together last night. He walked me up to the room. Does it bother you?"

"No. No, it doesn't bother me." He'd had many bad things thought about him over the years. Being seen as a… friend to her was not something he could really bring himself to be ashamed about.

She pulled away from him a little and reached into her cloak. "I found this yesterday at Hogwarts. I wanted to give it back to you," she said as she handed him a book.

He looked at her in confusion until he opened up the cover and read words written in a very recognizable script:

_This book is the property of The Half-Blood Prince _

"This was in the Room of Requirement?" he asked in surprise. That was one book he had never expected to see again.

"Yes, I knew Harry put it in there long ago. I was keeping an eye out for it. I thought you might want it. As a memento."

Once upon a time this book had literally meant everything to him. It had been his escape from the real world. A testament to his intelligence, it had, in a way, been his best friend, until one day it had disappeared. Silly how a book had come to mean so much to him. Of course this was Hermione Granger, of course she would understand.

"Thank you, Hermione," he said sincerely. He wasn't sure that anyone had ever been so thoughtful towards him. Strange how such a small gesture could affect him in such away. Hermione refused to give up on him and honestly he didn't want her to. Not any more.

He tucked the book safely into his cloak and then his hand found hers again. He was almost ready, almost ready to try to be brave.


End file.
